>===nothing gold can stay===<

Monday, April 27, 2009

- 12:23 am

saturday night at sentosa was a blast; cafe del mar and the beach till six. the lost boys live, and the king is back.

long live us.

fin

Saturday, April 25, 2009

- 2:29 pm

its now, in the cold darkness, that the desolation hits you. the solitude of the expansive night, like the sky over the vast stretches of constructed nothing we have construed from the fabric of our reality. a chill wind blows through, caressing, inviting a reunion with the essence of being. there are no stars this night, obscured as they are by the clouds, no rain; only silence.

to have had somebody, shared the entirety of being with; gave some reason to reasonless existence; because there was emotion, and it was pure; and it was something out of the nothing. something to centre life around, to take care of, to protect, to dream with. but circumstances were as they were; and had to give that up. for pride, for folly, for love. what is no longer there; but yet, the glimmer of flickering light, pure, brilliant and beautiful. and so, now, in the bitterness of the empty dark, there is no comforting voice at the other end of the line to assuage this grief, this love burns inside. no longer for what was, for what isn't. there is no solace from the night this time, only the quiet air of untrammeled sorrow.

silence/harmony/artifice/reflection/nihilism

the light in my room is darker than the gloom outside. i am a shadow, flitting from thought to thought, unexpressed expressions protesting, heaving in turmoil within the confines of my insignificance. love is blind until you find something more. love is blind until you see the irrepressible beauty in another being. love is something more than the nothing everything else is. to love is to share.

the silence is broken by the movement of the clouds; and soft whispers of moonlight ease their way down through the sussurus of leaves once more.

tum agar saath dene ka vaada
if u promise to be by me forever

fin

Friday, April 24, 2009

- 10:04 pm

this whole aware thing is bloody ridiculous. its a womens group which had its leadership usurped by a bunch of born again christian fundamentalists (they should actually be called subnormentalists) who have been going on and on saying that aware was promoting rampant homosexuality and accepting it with open arms when in fact all it was doing was promoting an open and accepting society a.k.a a progressive modern society free from stupid fucking religious dogma based on some village squabbles and god asking abraham to kill his own son (what kind of god is that anyways? "yo abe, kill your son. why? aww cmon do it for shits and giggles. and if you dont ill be angry and kill you and everyone just for kicks. do it bitch." god is just like man. in fact he is modelled after man. vicarious, greedy, power hungry and constantly demanding worship and obeisance. and if you're born again he also wants your money. so exactly what god is there, pray tell? youre better off with a jug of peyote and 3 seasons of barney the dinosaur on tape). but yeah.

the current exco of AWARE in singapore disgust me. they go about saying homosexuality is negative, is wrong but seriously speaking who the fuck are they to dictate how other people live their lives? like shut the fuck up and go do your own thing. just because you look like a bunch of 45 year old virgins with faces only a mother could love (seriously. have you seen them? _____ will agree with me when i say that if we looked like them we would die.), but on a more serious note come on. leave them alone. so what if people are gay or lesbian. are you? no? then shut the fuck up and worry about your own shit.

jesus. surely, today, someone must die.

fin

- 10:00 pm

you idiot
i was supposed to tell you on saturday.

otherwise you know everything

fin

Thursday, April 23, 2009

- 12:17 am

met maverick at windy corner. just got home.
we talked about a lotta stuff. settled a buncha issues.
no point being like this. its stupid.
dhurrga will come on saturday.
maverick and dyana dhurrga wilson and hema ash and tt girl, krinesh pavithra godfrey dipak and i. tomorrows last day in camp.

havent had much deep too say. drained emotionally, for very, very stupid reasons.

im out.
this was stupid from the day i fell. time to start again.

fin

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

- 3:02 am

akesh abhilash. 20 and a buncha months.

for all the things ive written there've been a thousand things that remained unwritten; not lost but still hanging around, somewhere. and all the things ive seen, people ive known, i know- lives lived and lives lost.

aandhkaara

saturday is coming. and every day that leads up to it i feel pieces of me coming back together, a walking mess of conflicting realities that are falling into place, waiting for saturday. saturday when everything happens.

saturday.

i am the thousand dreams of our singular reality.
i am the endless expanse of time.

i am.

fin

Monday, April 20, 2009

- 5:34 am

okay. lets do this. too much to say.

saturday

the return

fin

Monday, April 13, 2009

- 1:55 am

i find that almost all my writings are done at night. at night the sky is true, real. you see the stars and worlds around that were hidden by the daytime sun.

where there is openness, there is quiet. you find a grassy hillock in a quiet space in the dead of night, let the clouds pass and leave the sky open; you'll find meaning. a passing shower; the light drizzle against your skin reminds you with every breath of cool wind that you are alive, opens your heart to the world around you, opens you up to become a part of what is; and then yourself.

i was named for the night sky, and am glad of it. its beauty holds me to he meaning of being, and reminds me of love and simplicity.

the tears rolling down my cheeks are not mine.

in a sense, the night sky liberates me.

fin

- 1:33 am

the worlds done gone and changed a fair bit since the last time we woke up and decided to open our eyes, but then again blind man is a game for people with long termism in mind because the next thing you know you're seeing again, but everyone you thought you knew was gone. so heres to the old cast of the world and another toast to the new because bush is gone and nixon is dead but we're still living our merry old lives so lets not give a damn about that anymore and look back to the future.

sometimes you're stuck in something thats been there for so long; but for the sake of having things the way they are you live with it because change? change is scary man but dude you wouldnt have any spare to give a poor ol' stranger wouldya? mans gotta eat. which happens to be precisely what that mafia boss dude told mr 'ooh look im so cool wearing sunglasses but i wear them at night too so i must be an idiot' contract killer when he paid him to whack the next guy but then again who'm i kidding i just cant say it.

black and gold

it shouldnt be this way

fin

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

- 9:22 pm

Don't tell me if I'm dying,
cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun,
maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming,
of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know,
never leaves too soon

fin

Monday, April 06, 2009

- 3:09 am

"well, here i am. and for the first time in a long time, im me. talking to the sky off blades of dewy grass. soaked by the rain and holding the elements close to my heart. i dont know. no pretenses, no facades.

have you ever seen the way
the night takes the day
leaving nothing to chance
in their daily romance

i came home and sat by the pool for a while and i talked to the sky. and i talked about the world, and pain and humanity; and then i left my body, and i saw everything. and i think i finally understand the human condition. its beautiful. so we're letting the cables sleep, just for tonight.

i am."
-Nov 3 2006

i remember writing this. it was a still november night back in 2006; i'd just gotten back from a rehearsal and was walking home when i suddenly realised how beautiful the night was. it was right then when i truly realised how alone we are; how to still my heart and become a part of everything. since then i've been lost for so long its been hard finding where i stand but i think im getting there.

its three twenty-one after midnight but i cant sleep. its just that right now, i need to write. god its been so long. the last time was that november night i closed my eyes. theyre opening again.

i'm coming home.

fin

- 2:40 am

o loveless life, o unhappy hour,
so the beating heart brought forth the flower
that blooms where wishes and cherished dreams
make space for another amidst tangled reams

of lives that twist and twirl away
to seek out now the light of day
trapped in the night of dark dismay;
the guttering thought,
the broken way.

o miserable breaking lonesome speck
o songless bird, o quaking wreck
o shadowy song of covering clouds
o broken heart, o shapeless shroud,
still your quest!
to breathe into us, the luckless lot,
through destitute despair, a rampant rot.

till such time comes the night must fall
and cast its dark cloak 'pon us all.
so with final flourish and a bow to the wind,
you look to the north and make up your mind
till back in the west, a light yet true
for too of a many to make two of a two

and then, there was you
and then, there was you.

fin

- 2:39 am

i last did this in 2006. time to find out how much has changed.

1. how old did you wish you were?
im happy with my age. its all good; im 19 till i die.

2. where were you when 911 happened?
i forgot. dont really care.

3 what do you do when vending machine steals your money?
vending machines are good to me.

4 do you count yourself kind?
how do you count yourself? you can count yourself as a person but not as an attribute.

5 if you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
a dragon on my back.

6 if you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
hindi. never got the hang of it.

7 do you know your neighbours?
my neighbours are all either 4 or 40. no in betweens. in sunset i knew almost everybody, but everybody knew me.

8 what do you consider a vacation?
foreign country, good company.

9 do you follow your horoscope?
hahaha what kind of idio- oh you. sorry

10 would you move for the person you love?
yeah i would.

11 are you touchy feely?
are you fouchy teely?

12 do you believe that opposites attract?
sometimes, maybe, depending on the weather.

13 dream job?
wildlife photographer/actor.

15 favorite place to go on weekends?
anywhere beautiful with good company.

16 showers or baths?
jacuzzis

17 do you paint your nails?
not any more. i used to paint em black, for kicks.

18 do you trust people easily?
no, not anymore. only a few people.

19 what are your phobias?
I FEAR NOTHING but cockroaches kill me.

20 do you want kids?
i think so. a boy and a girl.

21 do you keep a handwritten journal?
yeah, sometimes. but i always end up burning them. yknow how it is, all this dramatic razzmatazz.

22 where would you rather be right now?
sunset way

23 who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?

24 heavy or light sleeper?
very very heavy. hard to fall asleep and harder to wake.

25 are you paranoid?
no paranoia. but i like being tidy, even though my room is not.

26 are you impatient?
VERY

27 who can you relate to?

28 how do you feel about interracial couples?
race and religion are just lines drawn to divide people.

29 have you been burned by love?
i dial 995 when i think this about to happen

30 what's your favorite pick-up line?
pick up lines are for stupid people

31 what's your main ringtone on your mobile?
keeps changing. right now its california vacation by the game.

32 what were you doing at midnight last night?
drinking too much

33 what did the last text on your cellphone say?
Gona plaY Footbal dnt knw whether pple playin -james

34 whose bed did you sleep in last?
dipaks

35 what color shirt are you wearing?
beige and red, topshop

36 most recent movie you watched?
i dont even remember. sweet jesus

37 name five things you have on you at all times.
a pair of boxers, my wallet, my handphone, my ipod nano and house keys.

38 what color are your bedsheets?
some intricate reddish maroon design.

39 how much cash do you have on you right now?
45 bucks?

40 what is your favorite part of the chicken?
chicken is boring

41 what's your favorite town/city?
its a three way tie between venice, honolulu and rio de janeiro.

42 i cant wait till...?
im pretty much happy taking things one step at a time.

43 what did you have for dinner last night?
i dont do dinner very often.

44 do you own a gun?
no. guns are bad

45 what do you prefer to drink in the morning?
apple/orange juice.

46 where do you think you'll be in 10 years time?
in a court of law defending some schmuck, with a damn good secretary.

47 last thing you ate?
roasted lamb rack

48 what songs do you sing in the toilet?
john lennon and maroon 5

49 last thing that made you laugh?
a phone call

50 worst injury you've ever had?
ankle injuries from football.

51 does someone have a crush on you?
does someone think i give a fuck?

52 what's your favorite candy?
dark chocolate

53 what song do you want played at your funeral?
i will never die.

54. four random people to do this
maverick, wilson, dipak. yeah i know it says four. there are four.

you just cant see one of 'em.

fin

Saturday, April 04, 2009

- 1:56 am

driving was awesome fun

we were the fastest

fuck the black car

i am happy

dont stop calling.

fin