Sunday, November 20, 2005
- 8:51 pm
its all so strange;
and now; its a
drive-in saturday
on the way
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
- 8:34 pm
wake up boy;
its over;
and its been for a long time too.
today i almost told you
almost.
Monday, November 14, 2005
- 4:04 pm
a story, a message and then some
a story
the author would like to announce that the narrative below bears no reference to any person, living or dead, and is merely for the sake of trying out new methods of narration.
visions. the way they race through my mind; sometimes lingering a while tantalisingly until my attentions rest on them, and in a flash theyre gone. and then the long day passes itself over to night, which i dread the most; because finally, oh with such painful finality, yes finally i have to face you.
i wish i could get these images out of my head. i spend hours every damn night fighting memories, and the urge of immersion within them. my eyes close and immediately my thoughts jump to you, to every time we were together, to every word you ever said. how do you think i remember all our old conversations? i still keep whatever i can of you, that piece of paper you wrote our movie timings on, our ticket stubs and memories; of calling you early every morning after skool assembly to wake you up at nine, or just to give you score updates. i remember how the subtle scent of your perfume would waft around us, so very...you. i remember that time you called me in the middle of some meeting i just left in the hands of my brother just to meet you, to be about you, and then us going into Ella Enchanted for the heck of it for some privacy. i remember our first kiss right there; how you tasted and how i felt. you probably remember none of this by now, but heck, you wont ever be here to read this anyways.
that day you said yes, i never felt anything close to that again. you might have been older than me by a few years, but it didnt change a thing. now its all just a void, everything that is. i cherished everything you gave me and relished every chance of meeting you; but back then i was such an idiot; and i didnt have a clue as to what i was doing. so much has changed in the space of a year; back then i didnt know what to do around you; i was more terrified of making any mistakes, doing anything wrong than doing anything right. and then finally, inevitably, we had to break up; i was shattered. back then, i thought i had it going perfect- everything was coming together, and i, through my sheer lack of any experience whatsoever destroyed everything. god, what i would give to go back in time and make everything right.
i was so stupid, i had you, you whom i adored, and still do, and i lost you. eventually we fell out and lost all contact; and that finished it. my preliminary examinations went down the drain; and something inside of me is gone- i cannot find it anymore. you got back in touch with me earlier this year; meeting up again- and i was so lost. so i tried pulling away because i couldnt stand wanting your affections the way i did, knowing that you already had someone else. and then one day you asked, "are you over me?". of course i said yes, and i apologise for that, the only lie i ever told you.
and now again, we are through with each other. this time i dont know why, and dont care for reasons. you were the kindest girl i ever knew although you refused to show it, so beautiful and i loved you so very much; a memory of how things changed ever since that cloudy evening on the 30th of july, 2004.
its been a year
and a bit more
and god how i miss you
left to love a memory
your supposed to be dead;
get out of my head
the message
on the illusion within
tonight i will wash my face with soap and water. i will look down the shelf for my toothpaste and spread it evenly down my toothbrush. i will then work that about my teeth for about ten minutes before spitting it all out and rinsing with water. i will then towel my face dry and go back to my bedroom.
click
the lights go out and i lay back, my body aching from a day of exertion, my ankle and back injuries flaring up again before i finally close my eyes.
and a whole new world snaps into being. i have many dreams, and each, a message.
i dream of a world of understanding, where people aren't judged by their skin colour or 'social status', that vile (and i do mean vile) phrase, but for who they are as people. not for their achievements or scholarships or their similarities to the masses, but for the simple fact that they are outstanding personalities in their own right.
it sickens me to see racial segregation and prejudicial values anywhere. in the US this is especially prominent; and France is now suffering for this very malaise being rampant throughout the nation. the aftermath of katrina was an extreme manifestation of this. how is it possible for a nation to avoid helping its own countrymen based on the fact that they are afro americans? and by that same token, they want to 'help' the Iraqis by sending many of their own young men and women to death, a facade maintained to ensure the interests of their government. a vast majority of the people left without help or assistance of any kind days after the Katrina tragedy were afro-americans, poor and non-white as they were. maybe condoleeza rice us a figurehead, to quell minority racial groups strongly against the Bush administration. go ask micheal moore, he might tell you quite a bit. anyhows why are there so many afro americans specially left in new orleans and stuff? why is there cruelty and violence in this world? go ask human nature.
i dream a dream of love and support in development. its sad to see a world ruled by money, and yet it is. tens of millions of pounds are spent on football players to kick balls around fields and into nets. in the English Premier League, champions Chelsea spent 245 million pounds on new players. strangely enough, only a 1 million pounds was donated to the tsunami relief effort, and this from 20 premiership teams. surely as human beings it is our responsibility to alleviate suffering amongst our own kind, surely human life is more imporant than any sport? or perhaps i am mistaken?
i dream of an end to poverty
i dream of an end to discrimination
i dream of an end to violence
i dream a dream of new beginnings
i dream a dream of freedom
i have so many dreams; so much so that i am almost overwhelmed.
almost
someday, i will live those dreams. someday, i will make those things happen, and i invite you all to join me. "what can a single man do?" they all ask. "i mean its all noble and stuff, but i hurt my back so i really cant help." i dont really care. what matters is that there is a will; and the dream.
i mean come on. we're all looking for things really quite inconsequential; when you die, what are paper qualifications going to do for you? and i really dont think anybody is going to remember you for your shiny new merc benz when half the cars on our roads are mercs or BMWs anyways. getting that car you want or that shiny new thing that dont do much in particular is nothing compared to making sure a starving village has enough comfort to see themselves through a tough patch; and the chance for an education. we're think we're so modernised and "into the future" like; maybe that'll be the day when the word privileged disappears from our vocabulary, for if there is a privileged there must be an under privileged; and every man deserves an equal chance to live as a man. no i am not preaching communism. that shite ideology can rot in the muck of its failure for all i care;
its just that we're looking at things the wrong way round
so get your feet back on the ground
and take a look at the real world
this new one you just done found
and then one, from me
you know what?
i dont know anymore.
fin
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
- 3:02 pm
god emceeing threesome was fun
you have no idea as to how much
i love hearing you people laugh