Sunday, October 30, 2005
- 6:14 am
ruminations on a cloudy night
what passes through your mind at night?
those thoughts flitting by,
ruminations sometimes staying
a while
to disappear
just like that;
covered up,
hidden.
what holds you to yourself in this,
the deepest part of the night?
out from your balcony,
up to the sky where
the stars hide themselves in
their velvet cloaks and
snuggle down warmly
to everything that is;
to your world beyond.
thinking and seeing;
what is that never will be
and sometimes the memory of
what was lost
still brings a smile
and some warmth
semblance of comfort
before the cold presses in
all over again
how do you ascertain
anything to diffentiate
between memories
and everything that is
it was all lost beyond control
and before
within grasp
to slip out of sight
like the moon
this cloudy night?
what do you truly have
but image; and a being
to go back the next day
like nothing happened
whilst emotions fight
and run wild
through the night
the endless expanse
clouded by the truth
knowing that the next day
will come as it will
then to slip silently
back
to the facade that is
to keep everything
inside
to burn
no finality
to this never ending cycle
the end is close at hand
though many years might separate us
from a single blink
beyond any willing expression
return
come back
to how it was
before the fall
come as i call
come as i call
a memory of it all
kill me.
i can emote no further; i refuse myself allowance of any such liberty and so i give you break; live forever, love fornever for the last time; and it ends.
fin
- 5:29 am
at the end of it all,
what do you really know?
just ask yourself; about everything and anything around you. the world is a tangled mess of confusion and its all you can do to sort out your own life until you turn around and realise hey. what the fuck is going on?
would it not be considered true to understand that benefits to the overall synergy of a group of people to be much more important than some fickle belief in the self and that alone? to hell with all o that, carry on in your sad stupid torpors, your waking dreams, stuck in your own little universes parallel to all those others as another thinking breathing so called rational person passes you by without so much as a flicker of a glance, moving on erratically and mindlessly towards their own aims of money and whatever form of personal glory is to be found in this world.
at the end of it all,
you'll be dead.
so will i for that matter. but change; change is constant and yet nobody seems to want to be remembered for any of the right things; or their causes are supposedly righteous and benevelont, still after everything happens its all just a bunch of crud. take a look at the big picture and understand that everything is linked, everybody is a living, breathing piece of this planet, our strange little sideshow of human infrastructure and culture.
the way those two contrast. it kills me putting them into the same sentence, but whaddaheck. on one hand, we have something rigid and non malleable and on the other side you got yourself an ever changing set of beliefs. both mean nothing in the end; what life is for is perpetuation; continuity and progress. no not moral or technological or any of that bullshit but just the ability to move forward with time and not go on in some bungled attempt to move time with you.
forget the writings, forget everything and just freeze. two tables away, a man is stuck with his espresso in the air, his lips just touching the edge of the cup while on the other side two women engaged in conversation gesticulate wildly at (and about) nothing in particular. new trends, fashions, armani, gucci, giordano, belozoglu emre (no wait, thats an inter milan player) quit flying above our heads like the proverbial shite that ended up hitting the fan. terribly sad innit. and then all of a sudden it all continues, the man takes his sip, and the women carry on like a couple of hens crowing about a new egg. or not crowing. cocks crow.
im shocked, stunned and everything else. or maybe not. actually no, not really, i done changed my mind. its like late; too late and too early all at the same time. somewhere between the sacred silence and spring, a place only a few of us will ever find. who cares?
now im back to set the record straight
anyways drama nite be comin soon so i's hopin that plenty a you managed to get yourselves tickets to come watch me host a threesome. its gonna be a lotta fun; take it all on the other side and throw it right back and maybe the world'll become a better place. spread some joy around the toast that is our lovely little world; or plant your arse down on the ground and wave your hands in the air like you just dont care. congratulations; you officially look like an idiot.
anyhows, whens its all done,
you dream like the deadened lover
die forever the only one
dont wake me up cos its almost over
Friday, October 28, 2005
- 12:30 pm
come here- my star is fading
how it was my beginning and end; and meant the most- descriptive of the times- time which flashed by in a blur, moving too quickly to be appreciated, savoured like a good wine.
im on the way back down
what is and was when its all nothing- of no consequence- anymore; and remembering when it ever was of any detail, blurry though it may be, but still there, somewhere; to live memories at night.
and then those funny, familiar, forgotten feelings, start walking, all over my mind
think back to when everything was free, fast and easy- and now when the undercurrent threatens to pull you away, every tug trying to drown you beneath a superficial surface- and then again to how it is and isnt; dont fight it- you'll lose; just live harder, faster, and how you want to live. dont conform, we are who we are and keep the you that nobody else needs to judge- that self that is. the spirit is a marvellous thing; dont chain it, hide it, confine it- release.
stuck on the edge
so take a step forward and plunge- fall face first through that deep black night and feel the cool wind whip through your hair and against your face; feel the fear well up and dissipate with the knowledge that this is it- all you've been waiting for- and forget everything else to revel in the wondrous beauty of being- you; and then stop, inches above the sandy shore before taking the dive into the warm wet of the sea to lie on the beach and be with the stars, a bit of wind, and the dark blue sky.
and then i come back; to where i am; and look around. another sunday night has come by- and the dew carries the scent of grass upwards to the sky it will never reach; and yet i am already there- my mind is with you, sky sister; watching you paint your trails of white and gray on your warm beautiful purple self. i was ever in love; i had an affair with the sky.
warm yellow
and so the moon is revealed, casting a warm silvery beam down towards me as wet grass spreads rays of soothing cool comfort through my form; and illuminate with greater care than the glow of the industrial street lights burst to life hours ago. the trees sleep and the sky watches over us all- for she and i are one; and i was named for her- akash in hindi is sky.
and i leave my writings by this safe little haven, safe for the knowledge that it is mine alone, the secret i share with her above; and none else.
fin
- 12:22 am
cheers to one o my best buddies
http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=9226827
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
- 11:00 pm
its dark outside and i just got back; its been a long day and not one utterly devoid of meaning as most school days are. it just was; and what is will always be unless change picks it up by the scruff of the neck and throws it into a corner- or far away for that matter. in any case,
and that'll be that.
Monday, October 17, 2005
- 10:31 pm
i have seen the way
the earth takes the sea
a distant memory
of times past
fast
and free
put your eye to the keyhole johnny boy,
can you see where theyre trying to screw you?
rumour rumour rumour
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
- 10:22 pm
a toast to y'all;
you kids have fun now
- 1:33 pm
the wound so deep
the cut so clean
so long i sleep
yet not to dream
the blood so red
the heart so still
lacklustre and dead
death had his fill
a quicksilver flash
to burn and crash
the random dash
burn to ash
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
- 1:39 pm
change
hits you like a wave,
helpless
against its inexorable tug
as the tide
exerts itself over
your slowly stilling form,
quickly and quietly
in the middle of the night
you go below
a white crest of foam
gasp
water pours into yourself,
weight of time
and the ages
on its back
surging forth
to break yours,
suddenly
clearness
clarity
previously unattainable
it fills you
with its essence,
motionless you sink
to the ground
the sky so clear
the world so young
and still i ask
what have i become
still i fade
till i rise
forgot to say
all my goodbyes
black
Monday, October 10, 2005
- 1:21 pm
do you love your ___________?
a) god
b) guns
c) government
d) fuck you!
got love songs in my head
killing us away
Saturday, October 08, 2005
- 2:37 pm
you take the legend for a fall
a full fuckin year to get over; well true and proper, but still its done- and so here we are; here i am.
the promotional exams (promy-o's; the great new breakfast cereal) are finally over; so what better way to spend the day after with a movie (Goal! which kinda sucked), some football, dinner with your brothers (james and bhavan) and then some kopi with your other brother, poolside under the sky.
to come with nothing but chat and your soul to bare is quite a dangerous thing; i used to do that but people get behind you, over you and try snooping about things which dont belong to them; sending tendrils of self squirming and squeezing through every crack and crevice of your mind before you realise its time to shut it; and when you do- it feels so filthy and corrupt; and yet time has washed all that away and you start anew; and life is so refreshed.
played soccer with skool injuns today; of course when one guy has the ball twenty others rush in hacking and kicking; theres no space to run, move or time to look up and around especially when your only using half the astro- i ended up aggravating a recurrent thigh injury. god bless the fact that my ankles survived the ordeal intact; still i should take better care of them.
tomorrow i have filming for this kichiro movie from 1 to 12. sweet innit?
at the end of the day what do you really know? nothing that is; but yourself, to push yourself to the extremes of your ability and revel in the fact that its you and nobody else is ever gonna even come close to being that person. a collection of thoughts, images, jumbled up memories and words clatter down into the expansiveness of the mind- only to burn- flames that burn and crisp and blacken and destroy- fire that cleanses and heals whilst breaking from what was and is; and everything in between.
Bright white night plants
so wild and hypothermic
Lured by a will-o'-the-wisp
and washed up on the shore
Your hands are hectically fumbling
for what you desire
and your senses are feverishly waiting
for the happiness that you're experiencing
The night will be to serve you
See how they greet you
Eternity, it lies before you
and the world is yours
Strange how everything gives in
Everything seems so easy
Time stands still as the fire reaches you
Your mind is exploding like a supernova
Time seems to stand still
You're flying through the night on white clouds
Your stuff is
whiter than white
hotter than hot
One time to the stars
and back again
so high, like never before
to glow like they do
When the morning awakes
it is the Devil, laughing
One time to the stars
and back again
All the way up and still much farther
through the roof of this world
The great illusions
you, the glorious hero
On white waves through the night
so high, like never before
you climb up to the stars
to glow like they do
nothing is the way it really is- our somethings are purely materialistic and truthfully nothing whilst the nothings; virtues of kindness and the backup for those without- oh lacking so inherently everywhere- and then forget it; be careless in the non conventional sense and move on as yourself; but being everywhere with everyone you need to be with- and sometimes you realise that person is you and you alone; who could understand your thoughts better than you? carbon copies of the self are hard to find; yet when found- rendered incompatible by some cruel twist of fate yet forget all that; its unimportant- what needs to be remembered is the will to carry on forever and never. for i were to break everything and make mine my life- and that is; was done; oh so long ago, back from the start.
and so here we are once again; standing at the crossroads, an impasse between tiramisu and chocolate cake. smells like somethings got a decent alcohol level in it; with some teen spirit to go; tiramisu it is.
My God
Who are you
and what do you want here
To burn
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
- 7:57 pm
dont wake me up cos its almost over
what it look like?
when i sit back onto the dew streaked grass in the middle of the night there are few things i really think about; really think. to show true character would be tantamount to suicide- no it wouldnt it would just ruin the sanctity of the whole thing. i dont care much. you; who are angry and refuse to talk to me for god knows what; have helped me reach finality at long last; finally its all over. it has to be because i need it to be, i want it to be i dont care really i dont i need all this, every memory from the year past, everything to go- disappear.
stay back in the memories of movies in the dark
i dont know where im going