Monday, January 31, 2005
- 5:06 am
snakes kiss when snakes hiss,
i know this, i know this
this was like what? september 22nd onwards i think.
be prepared for longness, cos its about to smack you straight in the face, like how that guy who dint want braces paid someone to do. just stop reading right here and now, because youll probably not understand much of what im saying due to the fact that the whole thing is a chunk of hidden meaning, and nothing is what it seems.
life is a waterfall,
you think you got something,
but then you gone and lost it all
let the edgar allen poes have their say, and the mark twains cry wild, ill just write. sitting here in delifrance hearing them play that stupid 'pretty boy' song over and over again. some fag he musta been, so i put on the headsets, cos system of a down telling me that their building a prison for you and me sounds much better.
and the time disappears and im back in my little glass sanctum starbucks, with a mocha frappe in fronta me, a ton of memory over me, rammstein playing, the handphones going, and the wallet lies down like a docile little thing...but its different. its wrong. it not how it shoulda been. somethings missing. in a while, the tone of this writing will change with the music in my headset. industrial rock is telling me to become a striking industrial worker, but i know what i want, to go to europe or america and act. of course if ramya becomes a director, its settled, otherwise ill do something else, failing which ill become a bearded old man living in a cave in the mountains. itll probably be in india, cos there they worship most things from cows to half naked old men, so why not me? or ill join nat geo and film animals. nope, wont happen.
weises fleisch!
the prelims have passed, outta sight, outta mind, for now.
glass windows
the exterior is fascinating, and so is the green plant placed specifically against the black, highlighting its colours, and above me lies zara, temple of fashion, although giordano, levis (from whom -yeah i refer to them as people- i got my happy ol' jacket), Topshop and Tommy Hilfiger are hanging around.
no shumin, i will not forsake hilfiger, cos i dont believe he said those things, and besides, oprahs just a crazy old biddy. the wall here is nicely done, and im gonna have it done like that in my own room whenever. maybe ill invite a bunch of people over and well paint all sorts of things on it.
industro rock is interesting, more so when its german, and to the extreme, reminds me of coldly beautiful communist russia, which also reminds me of broken glass. the 'fight, kill, strike!" syndrome. so metallic. damn, lachzeits boring.
propheten der apokalypse are the prophecies of the apocalyspe. if you couldnt get that, then proceed to bash your head against the wall, and pay homage to your chair, its probably gotta higher IQ than you.
the most interesting and fun part of the week comes 3 hours every sunday, playing soccer, and this time i promise ill stretch properly, im infused with no desire to hurt you anymore dear calves.
whoever thought that nobody could change their stars? anyone can change anything, as the individual is stronger than most believe, bearing little thought to the thoughts/ideas of the dissentious. dissent if necessary, worry your little numbskulls off, and see what it changes. nothing at all, and though i speak not from experience, i believe it to be a non beneficial trait to be eradicated.
if you dint understand anything of what i just wrote- fear not! i dint understand it either, it just came from the hand, cos right now, im not paying much attention to writing or looking at the paper, my head is full of how stupid i was to let a once in a lifetime person go. forgive and forget they say, especially the forget bit, cos very few things are worth remembering, and some people come along only once in a lifetime, and hey! i think i done used up my once, so here i say it loud, proud, and something else-oud -
there goes the neighbourhood
and if it was russian, itd be
dair goes da nayberhuut!
so much for love thy neighbout. come here, and ill teach you to love my shoe, hippie.
wait.
im supposed to be a hippie of the sorts, according to a number of people. peace man.
wheres the love?
get the guns people, and this aint a drill, we need to find the love, like soon, before it gets stepped on! oh scratch that, lets all just have a tea party!
such incoherent nonsense from a sad incoherent boy, who, with the imminent removal of his braces will be merely sad, but sad in the dawn of a new era of oral freedom, crisp and crystal clear pronunciation, and a whole new world of linguistics. but ill be content with sad.
despair
woe
misery
they dont mean the same thing.
its so interview like.
to the self proclaimed emotionless people:-
hey! do what you want with your life.
to the self professed gays:-
hey! do what you want with your life.
to the seclusive reclusive people:-
hey! do what you want with your life.
to the poachers:-
YOU DIE! i come kill you now, because you not only kick my dog, you kill it with your elephant gun!
maybe i should write my next play soon, but i cant, i already wrote and burnt the last one for this year, and that was already three over the quota of seven (what a stokhanovite!) although i doubt that two of them count, considering they were about a single person, done in march and in july, and yet another explored the concept of showing the first scene, the last scene, and mixing up everything else in the middle, and was aptly named Puzzle : Caught In The Middle. its like giving this sense of interactivity to the audience, although sometimes i mourn the burnings, but i must, i want to, for noone else must ever see my work, save one person, who no longer exists. the only exception was competition, and that was it.
maybe ill become a playwright. nope boring.
sigh.
what now?
theyre all gone.
and in a while, things will go back to their normal continuum,
time will resume once more,
as i take the seconds apart and peer at their innards.
what makes a second?
okay, lets take time to be a wave.
and then lets consider it to be a fourth dimension, and a sort of treadmill on which the other three dimensions run. this wave has crests and peaks, and occasionally you can look back in time and see things from beyond the dimensions, in other terms, see memories, things that once moved through a certain place - which explains ghosts and paranormal sightings. this wave of time comprises of slides, because the smallest unit is not a second. the smallest unit of time is infinitely small, but if we were to consider it in context with a living person, it would be the time taken for the smallest macromolecule in the body to move very, very slightly. a second is made up of millions of these, like an eternity to the small things withinm but just another second to us, as it slips us by. it just moves along- unstoppable. technically, travelling back in time should only be made possible with the advent of interdimension travel - and that would take millions of years to do. to put a living thing from three dimensions into existence on a piece of paper, or on the floor like a perpetual cartoon without damage to the organism mentioned would be the first form, and from there, things will progress. the innards of a second can be divided into slides, which once lived, can never be returned. look outside now, and watch the trees move and sway, then come back in. now think of the time you were standing there a few seconds ago, watching them sway. it seemed so inconsequential then, while it was happening, but you realise you can never have that time back.
you can never take it back.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
- 2:48 am
ill be fast, cos in ten minutes saturday night live will be starting and i wanna see it.
its been a long day, goin out in the afternoon, and then playin soccer. today was okay towards the start, and james could make it! and will be able to do so for the next three weeks until other pressing engagements pull him away for a long time to come. i scored this lovely goal at the start then my legs gave out and i was really tired; ran too much yesterday and this afternoon, so i just defended a bit and assisted her and there, switching sides twice.
icc modelling was a joke, cos i kept referring to my three minutes done before script written by moi, though it was very well complemented, i dint find it very good. nevermind. if we make it to the next round (if, thanks to the grace of madness mathura and oh no! i lost the numbers! woman). rupa is very nice and amicable though she made it seem like we nearly killed her when we kept spinning the parasol about. akram and khalil are tons of fun; we are going to cheeky monkeys soon. after the modelling we went to makan at this hawkers centre with this dude, and khalils 60 cent bandung was practically finished by the rest of us before he touched it. i finished one of my two prathas and gave the other away to the dude (who's probably the richest beggar around and might have my name tattooed on his body for my generous donation).
anyway, on with my disjointed ramble. after soccer i went to relax at the clubhouse with james, when all of a sudden colin and clara arrive, and we all talk about the good times at the park. and of course there was the customary chicken wings, and james telling the old waitress bitch to fuck off. haha colin was like so embarassed cos we were makin huge hints as to his enamourment with grace..james was like 'colins feeling the pressure now!' and indeed he was, sipping his coke with a huge blush coming on. gosh..how long will all this last? i really dont want this to end, the last vestige of my childhood, and some of my best friends. everything around the park is cheap and easy (hey! just like that whatshisnames mom!) and life is slow.
in any case i need to go, saturday night live beckons. actually it doesnt. it reaches out and drags me by the lapels downstairs where it does a lap dance. actually it doesnt. it just comes on tv. how mundane. mundance. moondance. whatever. i hope it rains on monday i havent jumped about in the rain for four whole days; most people think its mad; sucks to them. i need to find someone to do it with. or maybe i dont. what do i care?
everything was free,
everything was fast,
never ever thought it wouldnt last
and nothing could be more true.
i tell a lie
fin
Thursday, January 27, 2005
- 10:54 pm
and everything else.
too busy right now;
but safin won!
- 1:18 am
im sorry; im completely drained,
i dont know what to say or do.
all the nightmares came today
angel from my nightmares
fin
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
- 8:50 pm
i got back from skool today at eight; it was long; but by no means boring for the later part of the day. most of it was spent singing and wishing people happy birthday along with this new jingling song haha. the morning was so boring; we had so many periods but after that it was all fun; cos we had P.E at five, so nabil and i went and ran three rounds round the track; before joining in two different games of captains ball just for the kick of it. then we went down to the gym (and oh my god! i can do one pullup! as compared to my previous record of 0.25) and the best part is my 800m run; down from 4min15 to 3min30. gosh i amaze m'self. so we work out a while before joining nabils pe session and playing soccer; then going for mine at 1730 hours. we played basketball; but nabil and i went and did pull downs on the stupid volleyball net instead and were caught and told to run 2 more rounds; a punishment we gleefully accepted; running is actually quite fun. but nevermind all that. at the end of the day, skool still sucks.
shes a total blam-blam
actually no. there arent any total blam-blams around in sight anywhere. damn. everyday passes with a deeper sense of foreboding; and slower than ever. i feel empty; i have nothing to divert my emotional being into. nothing really truly matters anymore right now; nothing or nobody is in sight for this emotional fulfilment; every 24 hours is a mere mundane passing of hours, although somehow, i feel enriched and freed from; i dont know.
Monday, January 24, 2005
- 9:53 pm
i think the name about sums it up. the fact that mondays are nothing but bad news has been promulgated so widely its no surprise thats its the first day of the week, and already im drained emotionally, physically and financially. its been a long day, starting off with two long lectures and then two tutorials back to back, all at a grand total of 4.5 hours with a half hour break somewhere within the frenzied mess.
after skool i went and tried out for the debates team; it was quite a debacle watching everyone else debate; though i shant explain why or let anything out aside from this argument by a certain idiot which wasnt an argument at all but a load of bullshit on the trail of several red herrings (when did brazilian road companies become multi national corporations pray tell?), an carried on with an argument with about as much information in it as a menopausal old hag is fertile. anyway since we're on the topic of menopausal old hag, i might as well say MOLE. if you dont know why; dont worry, its not meant for you to know. very few people survive the experience sarah did (yawns and stretches) in which case she was exposed to certain unsavoury elements. poor sarah seah.
ch-ch-ch-changes
its a dark dark night; and the bed is so alluring to my tired self; yet i press on merely for the sake of writing to ease some of my boredom and need for expression. today i read out some dramatised lines with some other guy; and i felt it all coming back. the thrill, the adrenaline rush that comes with being someone else, doing something else, the thrill of putting up that masquerade for an audience; and debating is not the same; no way it can match drama. unfortunately the ELDDS isnt having any first three month productions; so sad for me.
i went and sat outside a while and thought about everything. about how life went about its strange ways; and having my entire perception of it change. i mean what dyou want? the poetic version, or the politically correct explanation of life? figure it out for yourself; everyone discovers something unique to their own belief. and all the moon does is stare down and bathe me in her light; cool and comforting; unlike the harsh bright heat of the day. its a soft, mellow glow; inviting and caressing at the same time.
your hair was gold, your eyes were blue,
all i ever got from you
was sorrow
the ways of the world are strange; but its up to us as individuals to find that way, and change whatever we can for the better. you only live once; and if its true that the spark that burns the brightest burns longest;
i hope i die before i get old
death. falling slowly from a cliff in the middle of the velvet night to the sound of the waves crashing below, and realising at that very moment that that is
the end.
fin
- 1:24 pm
is what today has been. and although barcelona beat racing santander 3-0, im infused with certainty that yeah, madrids gonna catch right up by beating mallorca 5-1 today.
dont wake me up cos its almost over
i was walking back from haresh's place and i met micheal today. i dint know he was back in singapore, because hes been at phuket most of the time helping out the tsunami victims. like how noble is that man. its when you realise life is about much much more than your little universe that you attain some form of nirvana, and then achieve completion by acting upon that bit of enlightenment. and so i went to donate my mp3 player money to the tsunami victims by leaving it with a trusted confidante. sigh. there goes my player, till next time. left with a miserable $120. ah well.
im quite pleased, because the past few days ive been having some of the best matches of my life. like yesterday, when everything was tied up at 5-5, and uncle shouted 'last goal!' and for the first time in 13 years of playing, i scored the last goal. together with one other goal, so we won 6-5, and then amrit came over. we switched on the com, but the dumb thing suddenly died and wouldnt come back on, so we set up the monopoly shit, realised that heck, we dont rlly wanna play, then set up risk until jamal came and we decided that a tsunami swept across the globe and wiped out all our soldiers. then amrit has to go, so while lamenting liverpool being 2-0 down at the 21st minute, jamal amrit and i run to his house (jamal trying to run with his huge hockey bag), all the while invoking the name of allah (allah! allah!) with utter disdain and disregard for the beliefs of others. but thats what you get when you have three drunk indians (JAMALS MUSLIM HAHAHAHAHA! so of course he dint take part in this but looked at us with some affrontment) but then we decided against drunk indian behaviour (which involves lying on the road outsides amrits house with all forms of drink while swearing and cussing like theres no tomorrow) and instead watched skool of rock till we got bored and then i ran home with my shoes in my hands screaming like a dervish.
and when it rained, i danced,
soaked and infused with the essence,
of the world, and its lifeblood
todays match was fantastic. uncle harbhajan, some man, two small boys, joshua nakata, evan, alistair, amrit, jamal, roy, boon, colin and darren came along with a number of people i think ive forgotten by now. my hamstrings are killing me, i think i strained them. but i scored four brilliant goals which im very proud of, although today we lost the match 7-6, roy scoring the last goal. but the four were so cool, one was a magnificently taken free kick, the other two tremendous efforts dribbling through everyone else to score, and this other time i passed through two players to colin who went on to score. we all fuckin rock.
the past few days have been great, but as we learn time and time again,
all the great things go away
Saturday, January 22, 2005
- 1:22 pm
the past few days have been really hectic or slow, depending on how you look at it. i have been in an emotional slump, and have lost the mood for everything, a circumstance deemed inexplicable.
why have you forsaken me,
in your eyes forsaken me,
in your heart forsaken me?
events of the past few days have been disturbing, and to those of fragile mental constitution and fanatical soccer mentality, highly disturbing and potentially unhinging. so when you see that naked man running down the street with real madrid or liverpool colours on his butt screaming 'why god, why?!' before being led away by a) the police or b) (and this is only applicable if at night) led away by a group of transvestites smiling sinisterly, you should understand the fact that our poor friend is horribly upset about reals' loss to valladolid, or he could be sad about liverpool loosing to burnsley. a fantastic double. ugh. those events prompted me to believe that hey! god just might do the great treble, and singapore might loose too, but i guess he isnt that bad.
trust in my self righteous suicide
i cry when angels deserve to die
and indeed they do. in any case the second week of skool has passed, and its been long, hard and really really boring aside from the bouts of soccer occuring randomly, and being harangued and connived into joining the ICS. on a higher note, ive joined the ELDDS and the debating group, and we'll see what happens from there. another happy thing to note is that i am receiving valentines day cards, and the happiest bit (according to my twisted logic) is that i get to politely decline them, and in the more insistent cases, pretend to be gay and already have a date with a guy and so never see little ms insistent ever again. i dont want a valentine this year, or ever actually, because as ramya rightly pointed out, its quite a meaningless thing. when in doubt, look to the east on the morning of the third day of the war, and gandalf ramya will be there to answer all questions.
the strange thing about coldplay is that they make you feel. like really feel. music that seeps past whatever protection youve thrown over yourself against the wonderful things and ways of the world and makes you understand. i think they should be nominated for an OBE, for bringing chillout rock to places it has never ever been.
i havent acted for a long time, and this disturbs me. the essence of my being requires acting as a proponent to life, and throws me into withdrawal, although unlike those of the world cup in 2002 (which brazil won! and will win again in 2006).
yesterday i watched pirates of the carribean - and johnny depp is SO DAMN COOL as is the kohl around his eyes - his character was amazing, and i shall from now on look to that character for inspiration in everything i do. so fuckin cool. cant believe that woman went for that dumbfuck wuss orlando bloom instead of jack sparrow. captain jack sparrow.
god put a smile on your face
its early afternoon, and its a beautiful day outside.
if only it was the same inside
Friday, January 21, 2005
- 2:30 pm
reach out, touch me
you want commitment,
put on your best suit,
get your arms around me cos im goin down down down
and when we were good,
just close your eyes
the death of one is a tragedy
its one of those warm days the sun loves vaingloriously proclaiming his prescence by bathing the world in the glow of his resplendance, and we all dance, minds intoxicated by his radiance, awash with joy and a mixture of all sorts of sentiments. for the world is young on days like this, and the spirit free.
i want to be free.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
- 1:21 pm
sometimes I feel I've got to
run away I've got to
get away
from the pain that you drive into the heart of me
the love we share
seems to go nowhere
i've lost my lights
i toss and turn I can't sleep at night
once I ran to you
now I'll run from you
this tainted love you've given
i give you all a boy could give you
take my tears and that's not nearly all
now I know I've got to
run away I've got to
get away
you don't really want any more from me
to make things right
you need someone to hold you tight
you think love is to pray
but I'm sorry I don't pray that way
don't touch me please
i cannot stand the way you tease
i love you though you hurt me so
now I'm going to pack my things and go
tainted love
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
- 12:39 pm
im so sorry, i dont mean it, im just so frustrated,
your so close and so far,
and your gone.
i miss you.
emotionally exhausted
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
- 8:21 pm
and when hatred burns away at the soul, all that is left behind is the charred black heart
in blackest night,
when love took flight,
and the end was close at hand,
with the passing of days
the place vacated,
the place where hate now stays.
its all consuming, all encompassing, like hell unleashed 'pon thyself,
or fury free to roam,
with fury, fever, hunger, pain,
and no place to call home.
but the truth remains your gone and
i aint never comin back to you
and i hope never to never behold the vile deceits that stains your countenance, hidden malice behind eyes i once upon a time loved, never again. never fucking ever. you lied to me again and again, but your biggest lie was telling me you loved me, and that hurts the most.
nobody said it was easy,
noone ever said it would be so hard,
so imma take us back to the start
never again.
Monday, January 17, 2005
- 7:51 pm
such is the way of the world that the biggest and most accountable explanation of life is found in its more dimunitive beings, and the truth behind meaning is pointlessness, as we meander about our little worlds with our little minds being the centres of our own universes. that each cell of the body works specifically in tandem with other cells to perform specific functions is fascinating, although right as i write this on my lecture pad m having the heck bored out of me by that biology woman and her stupid cells.
weep for me father,
weep for me,
most accursed of beings,
and bless me with sweet fury
to earn repentance from the sinners
of thy world
it occurs to me that AIDS is actually the Morgana Le Fay of viral infections. in any case, lets jump back to yesterday.
the stadium was packed, the indonesian fans (maids mostly, wasting a day off. poor sods!) in one tiny corner doing their little ripple whilst the remaining 60000 singaporeans performed the kallang wave in preparation for the kick off. speaking honestly, ive never really felt any national pride (the closest to it being some semblance of skool pride when im on a stage), but that day was a first. everyone was jumping and screaming, from the fat man whose seven chins jiggled violently, to the boy shouting hokkien vulgarities at the referee (kaninabe chou chibai bloody fuck referee your mother is a dog stupid fuckhead nabe!). this of course happened after Aide Iskandars sending off. gosh! i wonder who the boy was. ;) and finally, the customary cheers of 'KAYU!' for the dumbarse ref, who was such a bitch it hurt. and when we scored the first time, and again, i heard the kallang roar. it wasnt simply great, it was awe inspiring; and it carried with it the impudence of the boy telling his teacher 'for fun and laughter, peace and joy' when questioned on questionable aspects of his behaviour, as it was hurled at the indonesians. we got our penalty scored by the brilliant agu casmir (agu! agu!), and we were all so happy, so ecstatic tears came to our eyes as indonesians had their hopes dashed, and fears realised (yes keane, i know. so sue me.). poor poor bambang. lionel lewis was brilliant, and i remembered thinking before i left of someday how id tell people, 'i was there.'
the previous paragraph was a politically correct answer, and as such, was a whole load of bullcrap which did not in any way represent any of the writer (akesh)'s views.
and then at home i dreamed. i dreamed like i have been the past nights, that i could fly, and meet you, and carried you away to the clouds. i dreamt a dream of a dream, i dreamed of a lost path, a broken road. and when i woke up in the middle of the night i did something very stupid. i will get over you.
someday.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
- 10:37 pm
there'll be more on the title later. right now its different all different. its so heartwrenching to see all your carefully laid plans unfurl and die before your eyes, making every single call, to the florist, telling them to cancel the flowers, to the hangout bar, telling them your cancelling your reservation and losing your nintety dollar deposit, and to the U2 ipod you specially ordered and now cant bear having it for yourself knowing it was going to be for someone else. for all your dreams which were smashed without much regard for the future or carrying on. stumbling and falling at that first hurdle in the race while everyone is cheering you on, but the person that matters the most has left; for good.
hell hath no fury like love spurned,
affection turned to hatred,
endearment to scorn.
even though its gonna crumble down,
break my heart,
i keep building till i die
so imma cry myself to sleep,
cry myself to sleep
when youve invested so much of your being into one thing, and suddenly its gone,
and everything suddenly seems so pointless, seems so redundant. but its the end.
and thats that. and its strange ruminating what life would be like without an outlet, an interactive repository for information that i have in the form of dearly beloved ramya.
anyway today i was at the singapore indonesia tiger cup match which we WON 2-1, and an overall aggregate of 5-2 against the favourites. i was up the whole way, shouting at the 'kayu' referee and - i really cant continue. i dont have any mood for this.
just throw it all away,
you let me down,
like everybody says,
you let me down,
write me off like yesterday,
you let me down,
id like to thank you,
it dint have to end this way.
or i guess your not good enough to be with me
whos the man?
the man in the middle
when i reminisce,
ignorance was bliss,
back in the days when the magic exist,
never be the same as it was,
cause the way it was,
was another day in the myth,
everything was free,
everything was fast,
never thought it wouldnt last,
when you got the mind of the man in the middle,
life is just a big fat riddle
its like love,
some people get it,
for some its a glove that just never fit it,
for me its just a pain in the ass,
but im addicted to the taste
of hoping it could last.
such a lonely world
Saturday, January 15, 2005
- 11:15 pm
The end is near, the summer days
All the great things go away
Feel the cold comin' 'round again
Everything's gonna change again
Oh, the winter i adore
Summer's gone forever more
Some days you come back to me
Seasons change, and set me free
Don't have to bore you with details
And every morning, the sun rise
If i could hold you to my road
When she's cold in the ocean
The end is near, my winter fling
Change is melting everything
Now it's time, to sing for love
Season come, season go
I keep saying goodbye
Keep saying goodbye
And she's all that's coming back,
She keeps coming back
I keep saying goodbye,
Keep saying goodbye
And she's all that's coming back,
You keep coming back
Down another day
and this morning i dreamed of you. this morning, the first person on my mind was you, tonight before i sleep, you remain the last person on my mind. i love you so much, but now we're down another day, and thats it. i remember this happened once before, but that time i got back with that someone else the next day, but this is different.
if i tried enough,
got high enough,
most grown men dont cry enough,
so imma cry myself to sleep,
gonna cry myself to sleep
knowing that we'll never get to do the things we used to do, knowing that ill never have you with me just sitting about the neighbourhood, never doing so many things ever again. and the stupidest part is cancelling the booking at the jazz bar, cancelling the flowers, and cancelling the ipod order. and the stupidest part is losing you.
and for one month we were fine,
for one month i woke up every morning thinkin of one thing,
for one month, we were so happy,
for one month, everything was so perfect
its not always rainbows and butterflies
heartbreak is a headache
thats what i get,
for feelin this
anyway,
let me know all i'll miss,
when im gone
just throw it all away,
you let me down
youll always be perfect to me
its dark outside,
and the stars are shining brighter than ever.
- 7:19 pm
and you will never know.
indifference
i saw it coming a mile off,
and i thank you for doing it for me.
i love you,
but this is the end.
forgive me
Friday, January 14, 2005
- 9:23 pm
its been a long, long week, and exhaustive both physically and mentally. and yeah, i guess this was the straw that broke the camels back. i actually wrote the following paragraph days ago, deciding against writing it after certain events, but what the heck now after i done wasted my fucking day waiting for fucking nothing to fucking happen. and y'know what? fuck that.
things have changed. its so obvious. what was once so pleasant, sweet and light is darkening with about as much rapidity as the sky outside, and similar external influences take their toll and things become more and more strained. i pretty much know what i have to do now although the thought alone pains me, for i cherish this far too much, obviously so much more than you do which probably explains your three word replies and never calling back. you make me feel like an idiot, a complete moron to carry on thinking everything is going fine, when its not. why are you being someone your not? and why am i? what the fuck are we doing? your being harsh and cold obviously has much more effect than you believe them to, and if indeed you want to continue making showering attention upon you a chore? then fine. i guess your just not as desirious of some things than other people. whatever. perhaps you would rather i be a fixture in your life to be called upon when needed and forgotten when not. we'll see what happens on friday yeah? abd guess what- we did see what happened, and i thank god i dint ask you the question i was going to, because im pretty sure you woulda broken my heart with your answer just like you did tonight.
everything undergoes constant change, and we arent exceptions to the rule, but this is absurd. and roy did have his points, and we discussed things you will never know, and would be loathe to not do so. that come what may, i will always have a backup plan, that no matter how fall, it wont be far, considering the faith and belief my friends have in me, and vice versa. and for this i thank you most profusely, hulin, shumin, kat, max, alec, and above and beyond all, ramya.
no way this can continue like this, i am at an impasse as to what to do, and how things are; a main causative factor being how you appear to feel, and the things you do.
-what is that isnt-
dont waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head
dont let this go. theres very little else to believe in but for the sanctity of this bond; our bond, and its breaking before my eyes; and i yearn for a change of mood. dont do this because; no, do what you will, do what you want. see if i care. i couldnt really give a fuck seeing as to how you put me through the works doing little more than nothing. thats that.
and might fine, only got you there half the time
its so perturbing seeing how everything has changed. all for the worse with you. dear god dont do this. dont go down this road, i want this to last.
time to face the strange changes
back to reality, back from the long acted script. whats real and what isnt? what emotion is real and true? whats the point of love when its about as sincere as a faked orgasm? i dont know, ive been sincere everyday so far.
im haunted, you got what you wanted
dont go down this road girl,
dont go down this road.
forgive me
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
- 7:21 pm
i sit at the park under the watchful gaze of the earth mother and the tree spirits, as they cast their web of green enchantment about my mind, pleasing to the eye. a semi lurid reminder that this is life, and what its about, the tranquility and silence broken only by the occasional drone of cars passing by, whilst in the backdrop, the hum of vehicles on a faraway highway akin to a nest of angry hornets. the sun hides itself behind clouds, both grey and white, but amongst the density of their cotton like exteriors, i fail to see any silver lining although i know its there, albeit somewhere else.
and thisll turn into something else,
somewhere else
fifi sits on the table on which i write, quietly taking in the myriad scents wafted gently in our direction by a cool, caressing breeze, and i am disrupted temporarily as she steps on my pad, asking for a pat and a kiss. the green yellow of the trees is somewhat reassuring, as is the prescence of my dearest beloved on the table, watching the world go by. already the sky darkens although-
time shifts and i no longer remain where i need to be, but instead am somewhere else, quietly debating the events of the yesteryear and especially two nights ago when you told me the few words that made everything seem right again; that you loved me too.
what do you mean?
we'll wait and see.
- 3:06 pm
while although ive already gotten the card,
nothing is happening like it should,
and i dont know what to do.
girl i love you.
and the last kiss was so long ago;
the last kiss,
he does not remember it anymore
Friday, January 07, 2005
- 2:27 pm
das ist mein teil
and so i seek solace from the fact that writing, an otherwise seemingly meaningless activity, brings some respite to the discomfiture trailing me like a shadow. apart from the fact that as i write, the sky remains dark, and almost as grim as my prospects over the next few months.
wake me up inside
it is all futile; hopeless. there is nothing that can be done or will be done to break down the unassailable walls that despair has built around me, encasing, encapsulating my mind in solid grey, a monotony broken only on occasion by thoughts of my dearest beloved which float peripatetic through my mind, so close and still so far.
save me from the nothing ive become
just wait and see. it will all change in one huge burst of glory, and no, this is not some macabre soliloquy purposed on the definition, meaning or essence of the transition between life and death, or an almost seamless, surgical execution of life as it should be, but rather in some ways a monologue of mourning expressed by the pen in ways the sword never could, or will. make love, not war.
lets take a moment to think about the tsunami victims. your still alive to read this. your lucky. great. moment over.
look what you've done
take me back. to times more filled with joy, and relish for each passing day of life, days now almost non existent, time slowing to a weary halt, on occasion trudging aimlessly, pointlessly, but to what final destination. i will never know, because i still believe the bending of the fourth dimension, time, to be nothing more than a fantasy.
youve made a fool of everyone
is it all you really think about? what thoughts pick their way meticulously through your mind in the late hours of the night? and then during the day they suddenly become so strange, so stupid, so...wrong. on how things change, and the mind changes to meld itself into whatever form to reach denial, or acceptance, whichever is easier, no matter how hard you try to fight it after change, drastic change in environment, metaphysical and mental.
look for meaning in a whispered sentence, and see ever concealed emotion shout back at you. a whisper can convey so many emotions, anguish, fear, pain, sadness, all across the spectrum to joy. sheer uncontrollable euphoria as that whisper slowly gathers strengh and you scream; and then it all falls down. which is why the littlest things are the biggest, and why the meek will rule the world after man faces his biggest, most basal fears, loneliness and silence. an event as predictable as the apocalypse, yet just as likely to happen. i have no desire to explain myself further, i have nothing to say to you or anyone else. how it gnaws at night insidem how unquestionable predictability bears so much in common to 'and all their answers unquestioned', and how that has become the new perestroika, or openess of the new millenium. free speaking might be a great ideal, but like most ideals? it never suits society, or the government. too many skeletons in the closet.
amour amour
what world is it that we live in when openess and unquestionable predictability in words of authoritarian figures are synonymous, and great literary works have ceased production? culture was always a fad, and now it is dying, replaced instead by plastic gambling chips, and greenbacks carrying imagined value; lifeblood of the economy, jesus of economists and businessmen, ichor to democracy and governor of the world. so long as people are money minded, democracy will always be preferred, and influence of a certain democratic nation which considers its duty to the world to involuntary violent 'assisted' revolution to the aforementioned cause. how can we ever truly consider ourselves free, shackled as we are by that national economy, brainwashing an entire generation and in so doing creating a stigma towards what was always ours, tradition and culture, now relics of a previous age.
and indeed if words have the power to move, and to open eyes, let this writing be that Hup Seng moving pte ltd, or that big lasik surgery in the sky. failing which can it be at least rolled up to bat that pinata? ooh. pinata.
RAMYA! i know your reading this. I MISS YOU. cya in july aiite?
come here to where i stand, and look up, straight up into the sky and at the starrs. look up and see if you can find the brightest starr in the sky; there she is. and her name is belle. ich liebe mein mansh.
skool is as skool is. nuff said.
oh yeah - guess who's back?
break; live for never, love forever
i dont know. its very confusing, especially since these past 3 pages of writing have to be typed out in a number of days.
but i digress. such is the immediate changing swing of moods, that im becoming somewhat disturbed by my discomfitable, and on occasion perturbing behaviour. ill continue some other time. there are other things to attend to right now though, and baby we got to set things right. i figure you'll be reading this too mansh, so i love you. and you. and you. all of you for boarding the rebelstarr. not really. after all, lying is a cardinal sin.
digressions, confessions and finally, interventions
bitte bitte, gib mir gift
Saturday, January 01, 2005
- 6:44 pm
the end is here,
my winter fling
change is melting everything
maybe someday i'll be back with you
season come , seasons go
and how different is once again; what a whirlwind of change and new experience this year has been, on highs and lows, and i'm just thankful that i found my radiantly beautiful happy ending and y'know what?
i'm pretty soon you'll find yours sooon too
it's all falling a part slowly, the lights fail, all of them to a near blackout, propped up only by the brilliance of one little star, keeping us from oblivion and that star is you, because
i found my reason to live
and my reason is -