Tuesday, December 28, 2004
- 5:16 pm
arrivedecci, sorella
and so i bid a long goodbye to my dearly beloved friend,
rachel
we'll all miss you.
ciao belle
Friday, December 24, 2004
- 12:52 pm
the dearth of sehnsucht
its passing little mourned,
its prescence unmissed.
what was that never was,
what is that will always be.
we all fall down
its how we get back up
Friday, December 17, 2004
- 11:30 pm
and yeah, i miss you.
its been so long.
come back
soon.
everything is so busy right now, so many things to do, things to buy, people to be with, so busy. and then you'll be back, the point at which all those other thingsll disappear and i wont have to bury myself in so much work to forget about everything else, because
youll be back.
im waiting.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
- 11:09 pm
Without you I cannot be
Without you
With you I am alone too
Without you
Without you I count the hours without you
With you the seconds stand still
They aren't worth it without you
and nothing could be more true.
father time and mother earth were rather disappointed when they found out that their progeny, life, was a haemaphrodite
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
- 11:45 pm
this is for my dear fairy godsiblings/best friends Hulin Shumin and Kat who sent me such wonderful christmas cards, and to whom i say THANK YOU for makin my table look nicer. you guys ROCK! ill see y'all soon.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
- 10:10 pm
all my questions unanswered, all their answers unquestioned
this brings back a lot.
it is dark, and for the first time in a long time i revert to this older form of writing with the sole difference being the fact that this time i am no longer shackled to the dread of a certain impending doom most people like to refer to as the 'o levels'. the slats of the blinds are facing upwards preventing direct view of things outside, so i turn them the other way to allow the night sky to be seen and the stars to peer through them curiously to see me stabbing the various keys on the board with precision and a certain amount of dexterity.
light travels in straight lines. anything you can see, can see you.
the night is like velvet, and everything moves slowly through the dark, almost hesistantly moving towards a premeditated destination, or mindlessly, without heed to the wonder and feeling in the night air - the night carries with it a sense, a certain aura, as if it knows. as if it knows everything, as if it passes straight through you and takes with it everything it wants, as you open yourself up and release yourself to the night, it becomes one with you and your personality is superimposed like a timestamp on the fabric of everything we know.
i was thinkin of writin about yesterday but hey! maxine got it all down on her blog so go there if ya wanna. in any case i done decided that writing ABCs for the year is gonna require too much mental work for my brain dead self so im just gonna confine myself to writing as usual rather than goin all 'uhhhh...what to write for J. jay jay okocha. jeans. gym. oh wait. that dont start with J.' in any case i had a lotta fun with max and alec whom max rather fittingly described as 'woah tall'.
reise reise
i spent most of the day with jamal rachel and grace cos it RAINED and we couldnt go to the park like wth man. and then sixish i got an sms from my overseas friend which was immensely pleasing although it was rather strange to that grace pointed out the fact that you'd been gone two days and not five.
i am the the human spirit, i am the non conformist soul, i am the voice inside your head. though your life burns away, i am with you all the time, yet how you treat me is by your own choice.
treat it as you will, its not gonna go away. nor are you gonna take away anything in me, nor will you crush my spirit, im not gonna let go ever.
it grows darker, and clouds move to block the moon.
come with me, is this really everything you thought it would be?
is this really the person you thought you'd see?
cos now its you and me baby,
in our own little reality.
and slowly, bit by bit,
its me.
- 3:46 pm
it done been a long time since i last posted so aight - here we go.
oh yeah - liverpool faces watford in the semis!
i just came back from bali. its like nice to be back in singapore - the park, hulinshuminkat, msn, goin out with people, everythin about it. like you dont realise how much you miss it until your gone, and how mindless fun can get until the 'o' levels come crashin down like the hindenburg, in flames, massive,like totally whack. anyway yeah - the year is like endin so i gonna sum what been up and all down here. its been great - specially sing to the dawn.
A is for akesh (me lah!), aishwarya rai, and angelina jolie. its also for a maths, the only subject i excel in (yeah right). a for adidas like my old boots, and a is for all sorts of other good things. nuff said. and why not give a to the bitches at AC Milan while we're at it?
B will be for bowling, which i really suck at, and proved to be so when i played with hulinshuminkat. its also for bling and bobby robson, the poor chap who got fired. lets not forget beckham! with his ratty new hairstyle. its also for break, one of the plays i wrote - and burnt, one which was particularly meaningful because it meant a lot to me, and had a lot about someone else. like the person whose name was written in blood on page 13. i dont know how i wrote it? but i did. and i wont ever do it again - took me too many places i never wanna see ever again. b is also for bubble gum, cos i smuggled like three boxes into singapore for hulinshuminkat. and hey! why not bali too??
C is dedicated to carlito carribean cool for his really whack phrase 'i spit in the face of people who arent cool!' which dipak and i had a lotta fun with, and for colin, my chubby tubby (okay lah. morbidly obese. minus a little. maybe a lot?) soccer playing friend who still thinks he can wow girls by being loud and using a lot of hokkien vulgarities. ah heck, you try colindosamy! you try. no lah. i known him since he was like small. hes cool, like one of my better friends - cos i known him for so long. one of the reliable guys who'll be there for you through like thick and thin. cheers man. its also for caroline from that roses song. just for the song. lets also give it to camouflage lingerie like what ramya suggested (rock on ramya!).
D is for dolphin, cos theyre rlly nice animals, dalvey, my cousin sister, and most importantly, debauchery. very very important. D goes to the darkness who'll forever be special to me for all their songs, and everything every one of them meant at the time i got em. D is also for the dot in think.dot.ri and for my newest sorella, dhanishta whose been hit on by some clown name prabhu. sad, sad name. reminds me of potato for whatever reason.
E is for engel, that rammstein song, and another sorella, elena (stay strong girl!) and ear piercings as contemplated by hulz and moi. its for that stupid album elephuck (oh wait! elephunk.) and enigmas. and while were at it - why not add e math? another 'specialty' of mine. also, its for eifersucht, which just sounds really nice, and is another rammstein song. its also for exclamation marks (many of which your about to see)
F is for fuck!, frichen!! and fickt!!!. along with feuer frei!, and figo, whos still to me the most good lookin footballer. no i am not a fag. f is for the frappuchinos at starbucks, and f is for many other things, but lets go on.
G is for german, golly! and gazundheit! g is for goodness gracious me! and graduation. g is for ginger, which is an important spice. gee.
H is for my best friend (its no longer ramya. ramya became a goddess and so transcended friendship. she is now to be worshipped and wondered at from afar. blessed are those who are given the permission to touch the symbol of her power, which is occasionally thrown at stage people who arent sufficiently funny. hail ramya, goddess of everything rebellious, and in a sexy way too.). anyway, H is for my best friend Hulin, whos there for me like 24-7 and likewise. its for the whassup brudders, which is who we are, cos hulins like the best. hulins like totally there. i wont write it down here cos if i did - thisd go too long so i leave it here - H is devoted solely to hulin - so there.
so here we stop a while for your minds to thaw, and for those of you who dont know what it is cos you been sittin there at your com the whole day, haul your fat melanomic vitamin D deficient self off that computer chair and through the door to that place you dint know existed, a little place we like to call 'outside' where you get to be exposed to the 'sun'. play some sports maybe. i dunno.
anyway,
this break has been sponsored by heineken. go grab your beer now.
madrid 3 - 0 roma
liverpool 3 - 1 olmpiakos
how sweet does it get?
ich will das sier mich gut sehen
anyway we all been playin a lot of soccer recently, and i been spendin my evenings and mornings usually looking at a star, and some times its so close its as if i could hug it. its a really beautiful star and whoamagosh! i done fallen in love with a pretty pretty star.
on a totally unrelated note, mansheel been scoring goals all over the place, and done scored more than cloud (HAHA GRACE) and
pretty warm (ttd be rachel) and gaymal (jamal da) put together. sweet. and of course, colin done come back from church camp so we all realise now that THE BITCH IS BACK. jamal wants to build a shrine to grace cos apparently she quietens colin down. colin da who of course uses big words dae, to sound like a man. big loud words like tamade. nevermind la. small boy only.
yeay! ramya approves of somebody.
gosh. and so does amogh.
heir kompt die sonne
amogh says:
you know.
amogh says:
even if you get 6 for Os.
amogh says:
dun come RJ
amogh says:
its shit.
grace and rachel, aside from being the didactic duo gossip squad, are badd. they stole a number of sticks of satay from this party as us three were like laughing about our mad adventures, and saw this guy bein taken off in an ambulance as we, busybodies that we are went to investigate la. they shall henceforth be referred to as the satay sistahs.
so anyway lets continue? i think i left off at I.
I is for internazionale, also known as inter milan, idiosyncracies and indians. yeay. I. on another interesting note, there is no I in team, but both an I and a Me in media. Its also for Imran who wanted a flower for a flower, and got told by amanda zain that love was blind, but she was not.
J is for jejunum which was really boring, jeans - like that nice pair you left in, and jamal, who is referred to as gaymal. jamal who is away at hockey camp at this time and convinced that all the RI guys call each other mike. i really hope not? cos thats faggot - like behaviour.
Kis for Kat, my fairy godsister #2 who done lotsa things with me and hulin and shumin, and kalpana who was bao during sing to the dawn. K is also for Kolin and the KuKluxKlan, a delightful little outfit which was abolished some time ago. bitches.
L is for lam. maxine lam, my sistah who thinks a's a bitch, much like i do. yeah for us man. L is also for Lhasa, which sounds like laksa, and for luis figo (who looks good. really!) and for luis ronaldo.
M is for Mansheel, with the beautiful eyes, Mansh with the beautiful personality, and Munch with the beautiful everything else. M is reserved just for them. they know why.
so we'll stop here first? and carry on some other time.
its only been one day, and i miss you so much already.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
- 2:23 am
actually this comes back.
Saturday, August 14, 2004
it feels like i been stabbed in the gut
its late at night at times like this when im on strange inexplainable unprecedented lows that i want to write, and start to write. aside from that, my singing voice becomes much better, and i can hit pitches and tones i usually cant. i been singing drown and behind blue eyes again and again the past hour, and one day i should record myself. its pitch black outside, and feels the same way inside. i havent been on a high since three days ago, and that seems so far away already. that day at swensens..and today being sunday morning.
i dunno what spurs these strange feelings on, and the best i can do to explain is moodswings. my moodswings are usually, frequent and can be very intense. their either high, low, or on some occassions, pissed. very pissed, and i dont like that, because i snap at the world, and tell everyone in sight to fuck out of my life, and leave me to die. when im down i just stop talking, and avoid any form of eye contact. and when im high? i couldnt care less right now, and still i write about it, because the very formation of these words, their existence, their release from my fingers beckons towards some form of release i will never understand. perhaps its because i find my true essence in writing, perhaps its because what you see in words here is someone im not, and will never be, and maybe its because what you see in person is different. i want my voice, i want my words, i want me.
its like wanting to die, wanting to feel warm blood flow down your hand because your suddenly not sure if you exist, because everything is so meaningless, because everything just sucks, because thats just the way it seems. like noone cares, and you probably never will. like i probably never will. when someone or something i dont particularly like or care for, i get bored, and i leave. i left so many people, i said 'no' straight and outright to so many people, i wonder if what i did was right - and then i take it all back because i remember - its my fucking life, and what you think of what i do, and what you think of what i say doesnt really matter to me - because were all gonna die anyway, and im gonna live my span of life how i want.
no, its nothing to do with being cool. the fact that my shirt is untucked all the time is not a fashion statement, its nothing to do with being 'cool', because frankly - its an ideaology that doesnt appeal to me. being cool encompasses getting into a certain mould to be liked by people - and i want people to like me for who i am - correction - i couldnt care less for what anyone thought of me - i want to like me for who i am. and if having my shirt out is comfortable- if thats how i like it? - thats the way im gonna go. dont bother stopping me, its not gonna work. dont preach or prate, i wont listen. dont waste my time, and i wont waste yours. because my life is plain and simple - its about me, and the people (and dog) i love the most, which makes it a very exclusive group. and no, my family arent the people i love the most, although fifi is in the family. dont tell me whats good and whats not good for me- i dont care.
back off. quit asking me out and telling me you love me- because your all not me. and if you want further or more acceptable grounds for my scathing dismissal of all of you? im attached - so back off.
dont tell me your secrets- i dont care.
i dont really care.
i dont even know why i post these things, i dont know so many things-
and for the last fucking time-
back off, im never gonna become one of you
this all seems so wrong. like im underneath the gun. its so painful, it hurts like hell, these internal chest mechanisms, and i dont know why. it could have to do with these emotional swings and everything, but damnit, it hurts. it really does, and i never know why, and when i do, im too scared to admit.
all the great things go away
happens everytime. every single time, everything good disappears and leaves me with myself, and i dont even know who i am. ramya leaves soon- and live will change dramatically. i refuse to take up a new best friend person, its always gonna be ramya, i dont care, no matter how much you detractors say theres no such thing as forever - dont forget - this is me, and im strange. im different, im not you, and i mean things a lot more deeply than anyone else because emotion is my adrenaline, i live off emotion, and i let it all go through the stage. i can do anything on the stage, things i could never dream of doing off the stage, i could propose to anyone, i could proclaim wild and unwarranted love for anyone at all, i could be or do anything, because the stage is my platform of communication, the stage is who i am, the stage is a part of my soul, and only on the stage do you see me for who i am, because the stage brings me out from behind the facade of unconfidence, shyness and hesitance i hide behind sometimes, because the stage is me, and the stage brings it all out. put me on a stage, and ill give you me. give me drama, and ill give you a hell of a show. id do anything for you - give me a stage. if i were to be who i was, little children might start crying, and people might run away screaming for the sheer fear of nonconformism, for everything i am, and for everything i do. because remember, were hard to find - and its even harder for people like me to find that significant other - because were so fucking hard to find - and nobody else seems to match. forget the guy you think you see in the morning, whenever, whereever, because from now on? i promise all of you pure unadulterated me - and if you think its crazy, its whack, its fearless? remember, i dont really care for the thoughts or opinions of others unless theyre close to me, and hardly anybody is, because i distance myself from the world- and they all come rushing forward to meet me, like running away from the tide. itll recede, and then itll come back full force, and you meet it every single time as it breaks around your ankles, and you stand, knowing your alive, yet not knowing, because everything seems so different, because the sun is setting, because with the water around your ankles and bathed by the supposedly warm glow of a retiring sun, while a chill sea breeze picks up, you realise theres noone with you, and then you feel truly alone. its human nature to want to be together with someone, or a group of people, to build up bonds of closeness, whatever. it just is. its always better to watch that sunset with someone else, and to lie back on the sand and gaze at the stars with someone else, because then - your not alone, because then your soul feels free and accomplished and everything feels so right - everything feels so secure, and suddenly that breeze isnt whistling anymore, your not hearing it because your senses are too busy soaking up the prescence of that person right next to you, and nothing else matters right then, and it is a moment of perfect serenity.
it just is. you keep things your way, ill keep them mine. you live your lives, and ill live mine, by my own rules, by my own words and subscriptions and not to the general liking or wonts of the masses, because im not 'anybody' or 'most people' or 'everyone else', im akesh, and dont you forget that. actually, forget it. i want no part of your life, because ill probably screw it up seeing how different we all are.
like i said, give me a stage, and i can do anything, anything at all, because the real actor is here right now, writing this stupid post on a blog i dont care for, because the real person behind these words is really himself on a stage, is really himself with the people who matter, and noone else. that the real person is who you see when hes happy, and not when hes moody. that its all so complicated, and trying to understand anything of this would be a complete waste of time, because we are who we are, and dont try hiding that, or changing that for noone.
and thats something to take home tonight
most grown men dont cry enough,
so imma go cry myself to sleep.
im not a fidgety nervous person, yet i project that image when i play with my knuckles and fingers- and thats all gonna end - because im scared of nothing, except what emotion can do to me, because emotion is more powerful than you think.
everyone has emotion - its from two places, the heart, and the soul. emotion from the heart goes out to one person usually, and its the most powerful there is, and it empties a person when it goes in one direction and nothing comes back. and when it does, its different, because both people involved are so fulfilled and happy. and that from the soul is dedicated towards everything else. at least thats the way it seems to be. emotion isnt controllable at all, but actors learn how to manipulate it to project a certain image, because we all know- you cannot control what you feel inside.
i dont care very much for what anyone thinks of what i do, who i go out with, and how i live my life - because all that really matters in the end, is how you feel about yourself, because the body is merely a receptacle of your soul and thats it. sure, i might sound like a drug infused hippie, and if i do, thens thats just a facet of who i am.
wheres the love?
maybe im a target for people who are bitter
well at least i know im not a quitter
peace man.
fin
vichai smashmouthed | 11:59 PM
--***--
and now things are all done changed,
cos now i got you.
Monday, December 06, 2004
- 3:20 pm
10:32
december 5th 2004
the park
its done.
amour amour