Tuesday, August 31, 2004
- 7:57 pm
im still waiting for my graveyard train
its funny how night comes to pass and the world changes; everything seen so differently in the day is seen again at night, the sinks low, beyond sight and up comes the moon. its nice that we can find some constancy in these everyday happenings when our own sad short lives are so full of indiscriminate change, when joy pauses fleetingly by the doorstep, and disappears elsewhere and the whole world is so oblivious; and rightfully so. you gotta work to make it last, but sometimes one person cant save a sinking ship-especially if that ship is the titanic, cos you cant turn back time, cos you cant relive past joys and happiness, you can only look back at the mementos of the time and immerse yourself in memories and shadows of an existence completely free from sorrow - but obviously, nothing lasts. just when you think you got it all right, just when you think lifes one step away from perfection - it all comes crashing down again, and sometimes in most dramatic fashion.
consider the purpose of life, and its strange nature. our lives are all interconnected, everything has to happen for a reason, because some everything is driven by reason - and still i contest that, because reason is not the main prerequisite for anything to exist, we all live, and we die, and thats it. the end. life is finite, and life should be pure and free and life should not be a prententious facade, because in life, fewer things bring more joy than music, or love and so on and so forth. consider the part in 'i,robot' when it was mentioned that robots, although non sentient prefered to stand together than to stand alone; and its true, its so damn true, noone wants to stand alone, and then again everybody needs a person, one person to confide in, to do everything and anything with - everybody needs a person, and - what do i care. why do i write? questions questioned, answers unspoken, everything happens - but its the waiting that hurts the most, after knowing what life coulda been life, and what woulda been yours, and finally being able to express yourself in a new way, finally being a person, an individual- finally everything.
throw your dark cloak on me o scourge of the night, that i may pass unnoticed from this world and this life, for this world was not meant for me.
shine down on me o great ball of fire, for i spread my arms and surrender my soul to thee.
hurt me the most, o object of all desire, for today, we sing a song of cold black water on breezy moonlit nights, because for these few moments before passing, we will have peace - yes, you and i.
Monday, August 30, 2004
- 11:15 pm
rameshs anathesa
i put a spell on you
yesterday i played so damn hard i scored the best goal in my 12 years of soccer.
boon has passed to james who is surging up the right flank, so i decide to cross over and somehow! get the ball from his feet with a sublime tap, and so bring it up with him chasing me, and eventually allistair comes on to my left side and is blocking me, and just as im coming up the side i unleash a savage shot goalwards from a tight angle which goes right pass the keeper, evan, and out of reach to settle in a corner - the sweetest goal of my life.
Don't get me wrong,
I love these ho's
It's no secret, everybody knows
Yeah we fucked, bitch so what, that's about as far as your buddy goes
We'll be friends, i'll call you again, i'll chase you around every bar you attend
Never know what kind of car i'll be in, we'll see how much you'll be partying then
You don't want that, neither do I, I don't want to flip when I see you with guys
Too much pride, between you and I
Not a jealous man, but females lie
But I guess that's just what sluts do, how could it ever be just us two
I'd never love you enough to trust you, we just met and I just fucked you...
sigh. im wondering what happened, and what to do, cos i dunno. im feeling real lost cos the worlds a lost cause and my life is mine to make, so im busting outta here, gonna make me a name someplace else. anything that ever meant anything will probably be engulfed by a harsh facade, bitterness, everything and anything for the world and watching every single one of my lights put out, watching everyone leave one by one, splitting, rejecting advances, waiting and wondering, seeing ramya leave- because im not who i thought i was. im in for the emo, because i thought i perfected it, but i could never've been more wrong, because see where it got me- which leads us to the belief that emo brings nothing but pain, but there is beauty in life and emotion and i will cultivate it like my source, because my emotion is my life and my soul, and everything that ever was will never be, because things get newer and old things fade while somethings remain constant, as we push on and realise that it was all ever for self fulfillment and realisation. some people find it in love, some in solitude, some in tough, rough, mean facades which arent really them, some who force themselves to never show an emo side because theyre so disillusioned by everything they wont ever give it a chance. like one guy put it, and very correctly so,
love; some people get it,
to some its a glove that never really fitted,
to me its a pain in the ass,
but im addicted to the taste of hoping it could last
on another sadder note, i refuse to eat peanut butter considering the fact that i, like an idiot, when to read max's post on peanut butter and what it was to her. evil girl. our coms will meet someday and fornicate in computer hell if 'a' has his way.
its strange being unattached sometimes, because its so much easier living for someone else because then you know that everything you do or say, or the mere fact that you continue living each and every day isnt for yourself, but for someone else, and its - its creation.
pretty woman, dekho dekho naa
as im reading these old convos, various emotions are rushing back to me, unsuppressable, and i dont understand. then again what did i ever understand, but for the fact that if youre sad- and you havent already? go fall in love, because its the best thing that could ever happen to you, cos you wont be alone in this lonely world ever again - just because.
things have changed.
and if it was ever my fault, shoot me,
theres nothing left in this life.
Saturday, August 14, 2004
- 3:37 pm
name: akesh
sex: heck, why not?
-Favorite color: black
-Favorite candy: no idea actually.
-Favorite soda: Coke
-Favorite snack: once again, no idea.
-5 CD's: Hybrid Theory [linkin park], Songs About Jane [maroon 5], Permission to Land [the darkness], a rush of blood to the head [coldplay], 24 carat purple [deep purple]
-5 films: the lord of the rings II and III, blade II, the rock (with sean connery) and tomb raider.
-Cartoon: The Simpsons
-Talk show: jerry springer
-Food: pizza, anytime
-Food at McDonald's: im through with that place.
-Simpsons quote: too many to be counted.
-How weak are you? depends on what its for.
-How manly are you? i think im 50% man and 50% strange animal creature.
-How happy are you? i dont know.
-How loud are you? depends on whether im high or low.
-How stupid are you? depends on how i feel.
-How tired are you? Tiredness is an integral part of my being.
-How hungry are you? not at all. i lost my appetite some time ago.
-How deaf are you? I’m not deaf, but I guess my hearing could be better.
-How busy are you? Too busy, all the time, I’m doing too many things. Which is totally wrong. The world we live in makes us slaves and we don’t even realize it, most of us actually enjoy it.
-Do you like having your picture taken? I don’t care.
-If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go? Usually I’d say that it depends, but I’d like to be able to go anywhere when I feel like it. an island in the middle of the ocean? hawaii?
-Have you ever done crossword puzzles? Yeah, when i was 8.
-Would you put up posters in your room? theyre there.
-Can you sing? depends on how i feel. im supposed to be a tenor or something.
-Do you ever sing to yourself while doing everyday tasks? yeah, and sometimes while im walking down the street or in the middle of nowhere, like im bloody mad.
-How many cassette tapes do you own? zero.
-How many CDs do you own? a large number.
-Ever bought a CD for just one song? yeah...and ended up liking all the others.
-Is your VCR flashing 12:00 all the time? nope.
-Do you read your horoscope? No.
-If so, do you base your day on it?: I said I don’t read it.
-Would you rather chew gum or use mouthwash, and why? gum, its nicer.
-How many times a year about are you sick? i dont count.
-Ever been in an airplane? Yes.
-If so, where were you flying to? Paris, Tennessse,London, Australia, places i cant remember.
-What color are your shoes? black or brown or white.
-What's your favorite kind of pizza? super supreme stuffed crust, from pizza hut.
-What color are your eyes? Brown.
-How many surveys have you filled out this lifetime? i never counted.
-Have you ever done a photo shoot, professional or non? senior portraits? Nope.
-What would you say is the most daring thing to do in a lifetime? It really depends on one’s personality. For me… I don’t know. Maybe say “fuck it” and start a new life from scratch.
-Pick up the closest book and write a sentence at random from it: in 1929, stalin made collectivisation compulsory.
-Do the same with a lyric from either a CD or the radio: why dont you all f-f-fade away
-Have you ever tried to analyze your own dreams? nope.
-What would your perfect day consist of? ill keep that to myself.
-Have you ever lied to get off the phone or out of talking to someone online? no, i blocked everyone i dont like talking to.
-What radio station to you listen to most? the BBC probably. i listen every night just for the news.
-Name one person your life is made better by: Ramya.
-Can you do math with ease? Years ago yes, nowadays, all of this is so far away.
-Are you a vegetarian? I’d rather die, all the best food is with meat. My sensitivity and my love for animals have a limit, it’s called food. As much as I try to respect vegetarians, I’m having hard time doing so, they’re totally missing the point (the two points: the fact that by nature we NEED meat, and the fact that the best food is meat).
-Name one of your passions in life: love, literature, cinema, friends, drama. especially drama.
-What's your least favorite time of day? When I wake up.
-Do you use hairspray or gel? Gel… on occasion.
-Have you ever listened to classical music? Sure, I like classical music.
-Do you wear a watch? not anymore. back then i only wore swatch.
-Have you ever sailed? No and I’m not too crazy about boats.
-How many mirrors do you have? One in my bedroom, two in the bathroom.
-How long does it take you to get ready to go out? depends. if its just for fun, about 15 minutes to a half hour, if its with someone important, maybe one and a half.
-Are candles romantic or a fire hazard? Romantic, sort of.
-Do you wear necklaces, bracelets, anklets, earrings, rings? a ring and that strange tribal bracelet.
-Describe the ideal superpower and what you would do if you had it: being able to fly and being psychic cut it close.
-What colors are you wearing right now? Gray and blue. i like my abercrombie and fitch shirt.
-Do you own or have you read, or thought of reading any self-help books? No. But I stumbled upon a book called “Hot Sex” and man, I always wanted a book with “Hot Sex” written on it to put on my bookshelf in the middle of my literary theory and classic literature books, so I think I’ll buy it sooner or later.
-When you're talking do you ever use your hands to do quotation marks in the air when saying certain words? sometimes.
-What is the best present someone else has ever given to you? i dont know, ive had so many, mostly from people i never seen before.
-Have you ever gotten lost? If so, explain: i dont think so.
-Which movie can you watch and say the lines along with the actors? KAL HO NAA HO!!
-How often do you change the sheets on your bed? when i remember.
-What color is the inside of your head when you close your eyes? White. And red and black.
-Do you shower daily? If not, how often? Daily, twice or thrice.
-What's the last movie you saw in the theater? The village.
If you were _______, what would you be?
[a flower] a lily
[an animal] a tiger
[a fruit] something poisonous.
[a vegetable] i dont wanna be a vegetable.
[a spice] red hot pepper.
[a color] orange.
[a bug] i dont like bugs.
[are you left handed or right handed?] either hands fine. left, mostly.
[are you smart?] yep, sometimes I think I’m smart to be able to function properly in this society.
[what’s your middle name?] dont have one.
[how many personalities do you have?] probably two with multiple facets, like when im high or low.
[how many piercings do you have?] none, I'm not sure I'll ever have any.
[tattoos?] no... not yet?
[do you like V-8?] i know about the V4 rocket, but not the V8.
[what was your first word?] no idea.
[are you superstitious?] nope.
[do you read your horoscope?] nope.
[do you believe in that stuff?] no, but still sometimes it's disturbing.
[can you do a cartwheel?] nope.
[do you have bangs?] nope.
[do you have contact lenses?] nope.
[can you drive?] nope. ive never tried for that matter.
[what do you drive?] nothing. but if i did, itd be the lambhorghini diablo.
[do you snore?] that can happen, rarely though.
[do you drool in your sleep?] that can happen, rarely.
[do you lick your envelopes or use a sponge?] lick.
[do you keep a journal?] kinda... This blog and burnt paper.
[what languages do you know?] I'm fluent in English and can speak malay and very little hindi.
[what’s the best awards show?] Academy Awards, what else?
[do you like onions?] I dont mind them cooked, but I'm not a fan of them when they're raw.
[do you like cotton candy?] Yes, but I haven’t had any in years.
[do you like Pinacoladas?] not really. i dont even know what they are.
[what instruments can you play?] none, to my dismay.
[what words do you overuse?] ‘cool' and 'damn'.
[what do you sleep in?] boxer shorts and T-shirtusually. It depends if someone (and who) is with me in the bed and of the temperature in the room.
[what’s your bedtime?] too late (usually around 2AM).
[how many pillows do you have?] 4, but i only use two, and a bolster.
[do you like to dance?] I love to dance, but I rarely do it. slow dancings fine.
[do you like to sing?] yes.
[are you any good at it?] depends on how i feel.
[how many cds do you have?] a large number.
[do you like to talk on the phone?] it really depends (on my mood and mostly with whom and when), usually not, but I can make exceptions.
[how many times have you moved houses?] once, while my house was being renovated.
[what do you think of chain letters?] stupid.
[do you like where you live?] I love my house.
[is your room messy?] usually yes.
[do you like your writing?] That’s my life baby.
[do you like to finger-paint?] Not really, never did though (I’m a man)
[what do you smell like?] Clean man smell usually.. With some CK Escape or Boss in Motion when I’m being social.
[are you organized?] I don’t even know what that means.
[what do you put on hotdogs and hamburgers?] nothing.
[do you sleep with socks on?] never, ever.
[are you ticklish?] I can be.
[are you shy?] Not really, but that can happen.
[do you talk to yourself?] Not really. My different selves use telepathy to communicate. ;-)
[is your house 1, 2, or 3 stories?] 3.
[do you have a basement or an attic?] there’s an attic.
[what flavor fluoride do you get at the dentist?] What is that? Not the dentist, fluoride.
[did you go to preschool?] Yes, i did, in england.
[are you a morning person?] Oh, no… Unless you consider past 11AM the morning (technically it still is).
[what’s your favorite outfit?] depends. I often change favorite outfits.
[do you have a friend that you wish wasn’t?] nope.
[who has the sexiest voice in the world?] me… Just kiddin' ;-) some girl, and some famous people but can’t remember who right now.
[who has the most annoying voice in the world?] MAXWELL.
[what’s your purity test score?] dint take those.
[do you believe in reincarnation?] sometimes. when im high mostly.
[do you believe in God?] sometimes.
[do you believe in aliens?] not really, but who knows
[do you believe in ghosts?] I wish they exist but I’m not too sure about them.
[do you believe in bigfoot?] I’m quite skeptical, but I believe in the Himalayan Yeti.
[do you believe in the loch ness monster?] I used to when I was a kid. Now, the fact that it has pretty much been established that it's a hoax is a major disappointment for me.
[what’s your favorite feature (on yourself)?] I’m not too sure. my eyes probably.
[what do you do when you’re nervous?] I look away i think. i dont know.
[who’s your role model?] I’m not sure I have one, even if some people had some influence on me.
[what celebrities do you look like?] no one. i look like me, and when i do become a celebrity one day- if.
[what will you name your daughter?] Maybe Adrienne, but the wife would have to agree.
[son?] i dont know. maybe akash. maybe elrohir. or elladan.
[have you ever gone skinny dipping?] nope.
[have you ever thought you were gonna die?] no, never,
[where’s the farthest place you ever traveled?] probably america?
[would you rather burn to death or freeze to death?] What a stupid question, I wanna die in my sleep. Well, actually when you freeze to death you’re supposed to fall asleep.
[overly happy but poor or unhappy and overly rich?] This one is a no-brainer, happiness über alles.
[if you could change your name, what would it be?] I like my name.
[if you had a band what would you name it?] i dont really know. probably 'the ramya effect' ha.