Wednesday, August 31, 2005
- 8:43 pm
with a smattering of flattering
shaikh.abd.[matiin] | [ﺮﺂﻃﻣ ﻦﻴﺗﺎﻣ] says:
akesh. random but I LOVE U
akesh*// he'd like to come and meet us; but he thinks he'd blow our mind says:
haha i love you too man
shaikh.abd.[matiin] | [ﺮﺂﻃﻣ ﻦﻴﺗﺎﻣ] says:
ok now back to my work haha
shaikh.abd.[matiin] | [ﺮﺂﻃﻣ ﻦﻴﺗﺎﻣ] says:
study hard k
akesh*// he'd like to come and meet us; but he thinks he'd blow our mind says:
haha
akesh*// he'd like to come and meet us; but he thinks he'd blow our mind says:
okay
thanks matin :)
Monday, August 29, 2005
- 11:06 pm
smoking a pipe down by a creek
so we won, like pretty much both of the other two finalists making us all winners. huzzah. anyways the shiny new METAL (not cheap plastic or even a box of tissues!) trophy makes up for it i guess. first time im ever getting one a those for anything dramatic, i gotta get me into more of these competitions.
teachers day rehearsals coming along, and everyone is so dull and lifeless and gloomy, and the science students involved (pretty much everyone cept me) in its production are kinda..weird. laugh at the stupidest things. thank god theres always ms dayna chia to talk to (GOD BLESS YOU MA'AM) and lights to do, and emceeing to think of. ill end up getting on stage and hosting with wai kit, seeing as to how good ol' vads got some problem the day before everything. once again, huzzah.
and another huzzah for real madrid, beating cadiz 2-1, a brilliant curling goal from ronaldo and then later, when robinho came on working his magic, passing in a lightning manoeuver to ronnie who passed to raul who poked it in.
real madrid, mi buen amigo
WHILE BARCA DREW 0-0 WITH ALBACETE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOSERS MAY YOU BE INJURED except for ronaldinho who is needed by brasil
im bored.
deer dance?
Sunday, August 28, 2005
- 10:18 pm
so we won,
6-2
im your captain
and your hat trick hero
real madrid, mi buen amigo, playing tonight
Saturday, August 27, 2005
- 11:41 pm
putting it simply; ill show you our trophy on monday
keeping up appearances
Friday, August 26, 2005
- 11:40 pm
so yeah. today was the semis and finals selection for the theatresports impromptu drama competition, so waikit hazmi sarah and i all arranged for our first meeting today- until sarah suddenly had to pull out to attend more important stuff (holidaying in malaysia lah, although there was a tiff with a canteen aunty somewhere inside). so yeah, we blue slipped off after our first periods and met to discuss. then came the process of deliberation first at pastamania over lunch, then at delifrance and then down to orchard library for naps (so they dozed off and i enjoyed some quality david bowie- think man who sold the world and my favourite starman
he'd like to come and meet us,
but he thinks hed blow our mind
and then down to the arts house where police were all over the place, hiding hazmis barang (lightbulbs) which waikit vows to try if we win, cos old (and venerable) minister mentor lee kuan yew would be there. good old kuan kuan. and then performing, and doing russian nuclear submarine impressions, with waikit linking us up as the therapist with the bimbo, watching two other teams doing a sudden death elimination; and having our hearts jump when they announced that the players were among the three teams through. going to long johns to eat and celebrate with these two other amazing guys who've carried the back of an improv with me- and knowing that it couldnta been done any other way.
i promise you guys- we'll get through to the finals
looks like i got to keep my promise after all.
fin
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
- 8:19 pm
dont love me for the things i say, love me for the sense i forget to make- then make that love in a sense, for things to say
have it your way
no no no your going the wrong way; you got it all wrong, and then you turn and i realise that its not really you but instead myself outta me and im lookin back and everythings upside down and whoa! im not making sense. so yeah.
a lotta things to do; this friday and saturday will be taken up by theatresports (WE WILL WIN) and then teachers day thing coming soon. and somewhere in that huge mess throw in school, exams, friends who werent friends, changes in life that would be hugely traumatic unless you were so completely numbed to everything going on outside youd barely bat an eyelid if your best friend said she was working for that man down the street.
so i woke up and realised certain things went certain ways; and it was thenugas birthday yesterday so hey;
the promos are coming oh so closely by and up ahead (and closer to the right than left) tom jones is crooning whilst out the door the black night looks back as though shrouded in smoke- its just a choking feeling and i dont know why; could it be said that we lack freedom? i know where i need to go, which direction i need to take; i need to get to america and start acting, but i cannot. no point ranting and railing, weeping and wailing; ill just sit back, grit and smile evilly. you know. the kind of smile that tells you sweet little puppies are playing on your new silk sheets or your grandmas wedding dress she passed down to you; the kind of smile thats usually accompanied by a slight change in intensity in the eyes suddenly telling you that those sweet little puppies just piddled all down the sheets and one of thems humping your leg (bad boy! no wait. its a girl.).
its in the nature of man not to believe anything preordained as unbelievable; if a robber in pink lingerie flew past his face he'd say naw that couldnta happened, robbers dont wear pink lingerie. then his brain would work a bit more and go say, i like pink lingerie before say perhaps if i chase him/her maybe- uh what was i thinking about? because our good old friend would have the attention span of a goldfish taken to spasms. we're all so petty and particular, such that if the world executed a huge double back flip to escape some stray asteroid, we'd all think the moon just flew off course a while. bad moon.
too many followers with too little time makes for poor leading, apathy and disinterest, and strangely enough high levels of testosterone (especially if that leader happened to be our lingerie lobbying robber). and thats about it. goodnight stars; shine on bright,
youve been a wonderful audience
(a play in two acts although sometimes you seem a bit quiet)
fin
Saturday, August 20, 2005
- 9:55 pm
the way life just passes you by, the way it rolls on as if you were never there; and still i wouldnt know because thats not it. its a signal for change because my life always stopped and stared at what i was doing and went thataway; just that i was always a bit ahead of it. recently, for most of the year ive been a bit off track; and now things are returning to the way they should be; with certain nuances about to be cleared. i am irritated by the naivete of certain people; and as such the proper authorities will be contacted. this is me in all of myself and wait and see, wait and see.
things work as they do as the past and future whir on by, incongrous with most of what you see before you; how could we have moved so far in the face of such ignorance and stupidity? and yet we have and so we rejoice.
this isnt something funny; this is something that perturbs me greatly; and no, its not the end of it.
your lookin in the wrong direction;
this way we run with the pack,we are the pack-
go far, go wide,gonna talk some smack
is comin gonna take ya on a long long ride
so get on up and no lookin back
i ever believed in me
Saturday, August 06, 2005
- 11:38 pm
saturday night
he was in a cab, as the driver stared morosely at the road ahead while he slowly dialed that number in his phone. there is a short while of waiting - hello? and he tells her - im home. they drive on for 5 more minutes, before he asks the cabby to stop, at the side of that road turning into that place. its a main road, and a number of lamps light up the sky as the red tail lights of cars flash by like a dream. he looks up, and all his stars look back down at him, but he feels nothing for them now, he only feels despair. his shoulders no longer will themselves back up, they slump, hopeless. nobody sees the tears in his eyes, dropping slowly like tiny gemstones from his beacons of light. nothing else expresses more emotion than the eyes. he wipes them away roughly, he hates tearing.
what was meant to be, was meant to be. that is the nature of human life, and change will change it not
he looks back up at the sky again, but his vision is blurred, and his chest hurts, its so weighed down. he sees the road in front of him, and far away, a traffic light creates a pinpoint of red light. he doesnt understand. he lifts one foot off the ground, hesitates, but goes on. he walks slowly, carefully till he reaches the centre of the road.
green
and the cars rush forward.
he raises his arms and stares at them coming forward, metal demons blaring their horns, not one stopping for the boy in the middle of the road, instead swerving out his way everytime. he puts his hands down, closes his eyes and walks on, on and on, until he stumbles and falls into grass. its quieter here, away from the road, away. the moon comes unblocked from the cloud and looks down at him, as he stares back up. he picks himself up, and starts to run. he runs, and runs, and runs somemore, feeling the wind, trees, leaves, thorns scratching at him. he falls, and blood drips down his arm, but he gets up and runs, until hes ten metres away from that place,walks up to the house, and walks in. his father opens the door. he doesnt want to eat, though he hasnt eaten for two days. everything was going to be so perfect...he gets up to his room, locks the door, and sinks into bed. everything leaves him, everything becomes dark, and he dreams, of what was, and what might have been, and everything that could have happened, but didnt. he dreams.
and when he wakes up, the sun is shining, brightly. the phone rings, and he takes it.
emotion - the only word i refuse to define
he puts down the phone. suddenly everything is perfect again.
even though its gonna crumble down
ill keep building till you come around
even though its gonna fall apart,
break my heart,
ill keep building till i die
its really dumb to go killing yourself without a cause when there are so many nobler causes you could die for, instead of just telling yourself lifes not worth living.
if i see another 'the girl with the broken smile' on msn, im gonna tell her to straighten up that smile you stupid little sop, or ill smack you.
so many people on msn advertising their lack of attachment, hoping that the whoever they like see their nick, and that poof! magical things happen, and they fall in love. well it dont work that way. you like someone - you tell them straight to the face, and what happens- happens. if your lucky- then thats fantastic, but if your unlucky - then you can go spend the rest of your life in manic depression or whatever. because i learnt it too, except that i made a mistake. dont let social misconceptions, or whats deemed 'right' or 'wrong' to the vast majority of society mould your decisions - you are who you are. the first six months of this year i was horridly miserable because i made a mistake, but these things happen for a reason. maybe its to meet someone else a hundred billion times better, maybe its because you two just werent made for each other, werent alike, dint see someone you could love back inside. so enough of all the 'yournameislikewateronmylips' or 'youcaughtmewhenifell' or 'the girl with the broken smile' because really- its quite stupid. how can a name be like water? its just a bloody word? sure, you might be in love with a person, and like everything about them, even their beautiful name, but why advertise it to the whole world when itd be much better to say it personally to the person? you caught me when i fell. big deal. personally i think itd been much more interesting if whoever had stepped aside and wed get to some dead soppy sod lying on the ground. now thats entertainment. but really, do away with these stupid nicknames, and if you really like someone - tell them. if it doesnt work out at first - then try harder if you think someday it might, but its best to have known the person for a number of months or weeks, or communicate regularly with them before going and asking them. you have to be prepared to deal with who they are, and if your lucky, and you see yourself in that person - its not gonna be a problem - but if your not? then i really dont see how you could be in 'love' with the person unless their really hot. and that isnt even really love, thats just bloody superficial. look at our friends whatshisname and bauzirah (name changed to protect identity). Sure,tt girl might have trouble squeezing through doors, but the fact of the matter is - nevermind. i dont really know or care, nor do i understand why im preaching to you people, who obviously are gonna go on with your own lives. its okay to be a bit sentimental sometimes, its okay to be in love with someone, its all okay, but its retarded when you like someone and dont have the guts to tell them straight to the face. relationships are a lot of fun when theyre right because dont forget - it means you got one other person you can count on 24-7 and spend time with- wholl always be there no matter what, and never think your stupid. theres lots of other stuff to it, but i dont feel like going on about it, you people figure it out for yourself.
just dont grab people and say things to them like
a flower for a flower
and yes, the guy who did say that is still single.
but everything changes after relationships begin - because you got new meaning to life - and you gonna start enjoying life a heck of a lot more, if its sincere.
i drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door
im off.
and whatever it is-
youll find your person - eventually.
fin
Thursday, August 04, 2005
- 2:59 pm
its late at night at times like this when im on strange inexplainable unprecedented lows that i want to write, and start to write. aside from that, my singing voice becomes much better, and i can hit pitches and tones i usually cant. i been singing drown and behind blue eyes again and again the past hour, and one day i should record myself. its pitch black outside, and feels the same way inside. i havent been on a high since three days ago, and that seems so far away already. that day at swensens..and today being wednesday afternoon.
i dunno what spurs these strange feelings on, and the best i can do to explain is moodswings. my moodswings are usually frequent and can be very intense. their either high, low, or on some occassions, pissed. very pissed, and i dont like that, because i snap at the world, and tell everyone in sight to fuck out of my life, and leave me to die. when im down i just stop talking, and avoid any form of eye contact. and when im high? i couldnt care less right now, and still i write about it, because the very formation of these words, their existence, their removal from my fingers beckons towards some form of release i will never understand. perhaps its because i find my true essence in writing, perhaps its because what you see in words here is someone im not, and will never be, and maybe its because what you see in person is different. i want my voice, i want my words, i want me.
its like wanting to die, wanting to feel warm blood flow down your hand because your suddenly not sure if you exist, because everything is so meaningless, because everything just sucks, because thats just the way it seems. like noone cares, and you probably never will. like i probably never will. when someone or something i dont particularly like or care for, i get bored, and i leave. i left so many people, i said 'no' straight and outright to so many people, i wonder if what i did was right - and then i take it all back because i remember - its my fucking life, and what you think of what i do, and what you think of what i say doesnt really matter to me - because were all gonna die anyway, and im gonna live my span of life how i want.
no, its nothing to do with being cool. the fact that my shirt is untucked all the time is not a fashion statement, its nothing to do with being 'cool', because frankly - its an ideaology that doesnt appeal to me. being cool encompasses getting into a certain mould to be liked by people - and i want people to like me for who i am - correction - i couldnt care less for what anyone thought of me - i want to like me for who i am. and if having my shirt out is comfortable- if thats how i like it? - thats the way im gonna go. dont bother stopping me, its not gonna work. dont preach or prate, i wont listen. dont waste my time, and i wont waste yours. because my life is plain and simple - its about me, and the people (and dogs) i love the most, which makes it a very exclusive group. and no, my family arent the people i love the most, although fifi is in the family. dont tell me whats good and whats not good for me- i dont care.
back off. quit asking me out and telling me you love me- because your all not me. and if you want further or more acceptable grounds for my scathing dismissal of all of you? im attached - so back off.
dont tell me your secrets- i dont care.
i dont really care.
i dont even know why i post these things, i dont know so many things-
and for the last fucking time-
back off, im never gonna become one of you
this all seems so wrong. like im underneath the gun. its so painful, it hurts like hell, these internal chest mechanisms, and i dont know why. it could have to do with these emotional swings and everything, but damnit, it hurts. it really does, and i never know why, and when i do, im too scared to admit.
all the great things go away
happens everytime. every single time, everything good disappears and leaves me with myself, and i dont even know who i am. ramya leaves in 50 days soon- and life will change again. i refuse to take up a new best friend person, its always gonna be ramya, i dont care, no matter how much you detractors say theres no such thing as forever - dont forget - this is me, and im strange. im different, im not you, and i mean things a lot more deeply than anyone else because emotion is my adrenaline, i live off emotion, and i let it all go through the stage. i can do anything on the stage, things i could never dream of doing off the stage, i could propose to anyone, i could proclaim wild and unwarranted love for anyone at all, i could be or do anything, because the stage is my platform of communication, the stage is who i am, the stage is a part of my soul, and only on the stage do you see me for who i am, because the stage brings me out from behind the facade of discomfiture, shyness and hesitance i hide behind sometimes, because the stage is me, and the stage brings it all out. put me on a stage, and ill give you me. give me drama, and ill give you a hell of a show. id do anything for you - give me a stage. if i were to be who i was, little children might start crying, and people might run away screaming for the sheer fear of nonconformism, for everything i am, and for everything i do. because remember, were hard to find - and its even harder for people like me to find that significant other - because were so fucking hard to find - and nobody else seems to match. forget the guy you think you see in the morning, whenever, whereever, because from now on? i promise all of you pure unadulterated me - and if you think its crazy, its whack, its fearless? remember, i dont really care for the thoughts or opinions of others unless theyre close to me, and hardly anybody is, because i distance myself from the world- and they all come rushing forward to meet me, like running away from the tide. itll recede, and then itll come back full force, and you meet it every single time as it breaks around your ankles, and you stand, knowing your alive, yet not knowing, because everything seems so different, because the sun is setting, because with the water around your ankles and bathed by the supposedly warm glow of a retiring sun, while a chill sea breeze picks up, you realise theres noone with you, and then you feel truly alone. its human nature to want to be together with someone, or a group of people, to build up bonds of closeness, whatever. it just is. its always better to watch that sunset with someone else, and to lie back on the sand and gaze at the stars with someone else, because then - your not alone, because then your soul feels free and accomplished and everything feels so right - everything feels so secure, and suddenly that breeze isnt whistling anymore, your not hearing it because your senses are too busy soaking up the prescence of that person right next to you, and nothing else matters right then, and it is a moment of perfect serenity.
it just is. you keep things your way, ill keep them mine. you live your lives, and ill live mine, by my own rules, by my own words and subscriptions and not to the general liking or wonts of the masses, because im not 'anybody' or 'most people' or 'everyone else', im akesh, and dont you forget that. actually, forget it. i want no part of your life, because ill probably screw it up seeing how different we all are.
like i said, give me a stage, and i can do anything, anything at all, because the real actor is here right now, writing this stupid post on a blog i dont care for, because the real person behind these words is really himself on a stage, is really himself with the people who matter, and noone else. that the real person is who you see when hes happy, and not when hes moody. that its all so complicated, and trying to understand anything of this would be a complete waste of time, because we are who we are, and dont try hiding that, or changing that for noone.
and thats something to take home tonight
most grown men dont cry enough,
so imma go cry myself to sleep.
im not a fidgety nervous person, yet i project that image when i play with my knuckles and fingers- and thats all gonna end - because im scared of nothing, except what emotion can do to me, because emotion is more powerful than you think.
everyone has emotion - its from two places, the heart, and the soul. emotion from the heart goes out to one person usually, and its the most powerful there is, and it empties a person when it goes in one direction and nothing comes back. and when it does, its different, because both people involved are so fulfilled and happy. and that from the soul is dedicated towards everything else. at least thats the way it seems to be. emotion isnt controllable at all, but actors learn how to manipulate it to project a certain image, because we all know- you cannot control what you feel inside.
i dont care very much for what anyone thinks of what i do, who i go out with, and how i live my life - because all that really matters in the end, is how you feel about yourself, because the body is merely a receptacle of your soul and thats it. sure, i might sound like a drug infused hippie, and if i do, thens thats just a facet of who i am.
wheres the love?
maybe im a target for people who are bitter
well at least i know im not a quitter
peace man.
fin
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
- 7:27 pm
God, you who are in Heaven
I know what torments you
God, you who are in Heaven
I know what you're missing
God, you who are in Heaven
Come, don't leave us alone
Forgive us of our fault
Try to pardon us
God, you who are in Heaven
you have given us
your own flesh and blood
but what was that good for
Your kingdom does not come
and your will is not done
Not in Heaven and
of course not on Earth
It is not easy to be a god
God, you who are in Heaven
I know it is not easy
God, you who are in Heaven
I know you've had enough
God, you who are in Heaven
I know what moves you
Try to forgive us
Or is it already too late
I confess to God the almighty
and to all brothers and sisters
that I have refrained from good
and have done evil
I have sinned in
thoughts, words, and deeds
by my fault
by my own most grievous fault
by mine own
- 5:00 pm
shes uncertain if she likes him
but she knows she really loves him
this is so sad. here we are, sitting in the lecture theatre; here i am, awash in a flow of emotion so steady its almost comforting, more reassuringly so than the exhaustive torpor i have been steeped in the past few days. and now and then the soft silence of my thoughts are punctuated by a dull throbbing noise i would know to be an irritating nuance, and it is unwelcome. she talks too much, and its all rubbish. shut up, please, for the love of god, shut up. she reminds me of humpty dumpty but i guess we all have our own ways of seeing things. like the story of the emperor who wore clothes so fine nobody could see it until one bright morning a young boy pointed this out in a loud and clear voice; and just like that you get the story of 'the emperor who had no clothes'. but if you knew a bit more, it would be 'The Story Of The Boy Who Got a Well Deserved Thrashing from His Dad For Being Rude To Royalty and Was Locked Up' Or the story of the 'Whole Crowd Who Were Rounded Up by the Guards and Told "This Didnt Happen, OK? Does Anyone Want to Argue?"'. its all good.
i dont believe in him
i dont want to be worked by him
i dont want to be held by him
i am the greatest sinner
sin
hallelujah
for lack of being
though his will be done
there is no kingdom come
neither in heaven
nor on earth
the greatest sinner was i
blood drops from my lips
as words drenched in unholy water
when nothing is holy
then those lives are a lie
they are all dead
not like i
sin
hallelujah
i am a sinner
i am privy to his will
i grow cold and wearisome
my heart stays still
we were the sinners
we lived not till
we firmly believed
in his damned will
his will be done
yet no kingdom come
neither in heaven
nor on earth
i am a sinner
the greatest sin was i
hallelujah
i hold before me
buried in grief
a deepening sense
of disbelief
its written in blood
all over the sky
buried in mud
unable to die
thrice before the number seven
deliver me now
away from heaven
i dont believe
i am a sinner
so come as we grieve
come watch me fall
come as i call
come as i call
watch as we die
watch as we try
im supposed to be dead
get out of my head
held in good stead
get out of my head
there never was
his kingdom come
they live their lies
like they would their lives
and then they die
and realise
what never was
and then they cry
problem play. im sick of that phrase. i cannot stand the stupidity and cannot find any sense to deciphering meanings that do not exist from words with clear intentions. forget it. its a rip story.
we waste our time moving about in circles about a point of contention that does not really exist. nobody really knows what they should be doing; yet they know that they should be doing something. so utterly stupid.
cold bears down
upon us all
the sleeping kings crown
is about to fall
the seconds pass
ever so slowly
what never was
makes us so lonely
what never was
what never will
lost is the cause
time now stays still
nothing now moves
church bells ring
now you are dead
my winter fling
you are starting to melt
and then you will die
i stand and laugh
as winters fingers
pull away
from the ground
the snow we flay
like flesh from a wound
and then is gone
no longer bound
by earthly means
and never found
there is nobody
there never was
and nothing is sought
no will is wrought
there is no kingdom come
not in heaven
neither on earth
i am the greatest sinner
and a sin am i
sin;sin;sin
hallelujah
Monday, August 01, 2005
- 8:07 pm
Those declared dead live longer
Those declared dead live fine
The dead are like flypaper
because they understand the love of life
Those declared dead love more severely
Those believed dead are allowed to see
how the living don't resist
the Pied Piper at all
Those declared dead have wings
Those believed dead live in silence
Those declared dead get beaten
The dead have no sympathy
Out of all doubts, it rises
It contradicts the flow of time
It will be revived by love
Can you feel it
Your heart is beating
Those believed dead are traitors
because they have nothing to lose
The dead are the evil doers
They enjoy crawling on all fours
Those declared dead have trouble
Those believed dead are so lazy
The dead love slackers
The dead like keeping their mouths shut
Your heart is beating