Wednesday, March 30, 2005
- 8:51 pm
existence carries with it a profound incomprehensible meaninglessness, and although this is a huge cause of concern to some, who would rather shut it out of their minds altogether and try to throw together some semblance of a front towards value; some realise this- and are afraid. afraid because they understand the fragility and futility of their situation; of being unable to make something out of the small piece of mind theyve been given- to reach out to the powers that be owing mostly to their animated inconsequential insignificance.
even if everything was the same, what wouldnt differ?
i have been accepted into the cast of daisy pulls it off, but i wait with bated breath for the results of we are family 2001 and banned 2002 to make themselves known. they are part of me; a consolidation only to be made upon production. so i wait.
to hold a light breeze
to bare skin
open the soul to open
wafted forever forward
in purity and consequence
stung by conscience
and the knowledge of
significance
fin
Saturday, March 26, 2005
- 9:07 pm
we live in an overly romanticised world. when most people sit down to ponder the meaning of life; they are so shackled by their ignorance and too afraid of the truth depicting the very vissicitudes of their uselessness that they branch outwards in hopes of achieving some form of respite from this undying guilt. they go on to say that oh, the meaning of life can be found in the bloom of the first flower of spring or the tears of a virgin. i say fuck that. the answers are fairly obvious, and to shy away from it falls nothing short of ignorance although they may be forgiven for they are only human, and come with all forms of shortcomings. and no. the meaning of life doesnt rest in the service of god either. its all a load of trigger happy bullshit.
the very thought of us havng a soul is absurd. how can we as people rationalise that we humans have souls, but animals dont? its utter stupidity to believe anything more than the fact that we are nothing more than walking monkeys who mastered the art of survival, and together with brain development and certain habits (like staying in groups) furthered the cause and fathered the human plague on mother earth. i say the progeny of father time and mother earth is the human race, and should be more likened to a bastard child for all the treachery we have wrought upon the world.
each of us is nothing more than huge groups of small organisms working together to do something. we have intestinal cells to break food down and then is sent to other cells, like muscle cells, to maintain them and allow them obtain food to sustain these intestinal cells. its all a mutual benefit thing. our actions and emotions are characterised by hormones which have the effect of changing chemical secretions in cells and produces change to a large number of cells. adrenaline for example would make cells of the heart muscle move faster so as to protect the group of cells. they are merely moulded in our human shape, and so when the group of cells which form the brain dies, so does everything for they regulate all bodily functions. there is no heaven or hell, only blackness- the end. your mind is not a mind- its cellular function; electricity and nervous impulses. if a sustaining group of cells die- so do all the other cells; not you. just the cells you are comprised of. this you in general wouldnt refer specifically to a person, but to the group of small organisms living together to form a large organism. survival. thats what its all about.
but then again this is what i might or might not think, so just
take it on the other side
im only going through the motions.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
- 8:51 pm
its strange seeing how much things have changed in the course of a few months; how you changed me and made me who i am today. strange to think how i thought i was strong, how i had everything under control, how perfect i thought everything was, and then how you broke me in a few minutes. how as each word registered i felt numb, and answered you dumbly until an explosion of emotion welled up inside after we spoke; after our quaint realisation of how 'there is a god'. there wasnt. there fucking wasnt. how strange it felt to realise i wasnt as immune as i thought i was; and then to let everything go. to go off food for three weeks and sink into depression knowing that you were lost- and that you left when i needed you most- of how you never really cared the way i did..and how stupid it made me feel. i fucked up most of everything after that but the experience changed me. i fucked up the prelims but i became harder; harsher and imbued with the drive to prove you wrong running myself on the belief that if i worked hard enough the hands of the clock would turn right back and things would be back to the way they were; the way they will never be ever again. for all this what can i say? bitterness doesnt have much of a place anywhere; and you probably arent never gonna read this, so thank you. for once i havent saved this among other things as a draft- though the rest are to remain unread by the world.
memory of amour within the confines of mine own soul,
i relinquish thee to rot with thy ethereal companions,
and haunt me no more
even though i know that this is a huge pile of trigger happy bullshit.
fine, not trigger happy. trigger sad. trigger whatever.
fuck you. stop reading this, your just ruining your mind and wasting your time.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
- 9:06 pm
lackadaisical in my pursuit of inspiration with regard to the written word
Monday, March 21, 2005
- 5:20 pm
call it what you want
to me it doesnt matter,
its where i belong
a real fine line between an orgy of destruction and a wonderful time
today for the first time in my life i went ice skating (gee golly gosh!) with namita; and it was oh so fun(ny). its so much easier than it looks and you get this wonderful feeling as you skate along the ice, changing direction with a few deft flicks of your feet. great time, came back played soccer and here i am now. writing stuff, and lookin through the various things on my friendster.
im workin on my thinkin and im thinkin its improving
Squealer:
snowball, you are charged with the following crimes against Studies - For misleading the people on a useless project...the penalty is...
Napoleon:
(threateningly) Study!
Squealer:
For mocking the sanctity of the annual exams...the penalty is...
Napoleon:
(nonchalantly) Self-Study...
Squealer:
For believing in the existence of a spiritual being *coff coff rafflesian spirit coff coff*...the penalty is...
Napoleon:
(fiercely) Supervised Self Study! I hereby sentence you to 3 years of hard labour in the SSS dungeon! What have you got to say for yourself?
Snowball:
I...(but is stopped by SSSupervisor who blocks his speech with the report book)
snowball was played by hulin, christian played squealer and i played napoleon. ]
how i miss those days. about half as bad as i miss STTD. damn thats a lot.
my picture of innocence
Why do I do, just as you say
Why must I just, give you your way
Why do I sigh, why don't I try to forget
It must have been,
That something lovers call fate
Kept me saying: "I have to wait"
I saw them all,
Just couldn't fall 'til we met
It had to be you, it had to be you
I wandered around, and finally found
The somebody who
Could make me be true,
And could make me be blue
And even be glad, just to be sad
Thinking of you
Some others I've seen,
Might never be mean
Might never be cross,
Or try to be boss
But they wouldn't do
For nobody else, gave me a thrill
With all your faults, I
Love you still
It had to be you, wonderful you
It had to be you
you gotta admit, sinatra was da man.
its mind control by any other name
Sunday, March 20, 2005
- 4:41 pm
after deciding not to fratenise with the uncommonly high percentage of dotards found frequenting cheeky monkeys during bhangra night (jesus christ bhangra night?! why the fuck would anybody with an iq anything above 7 would want to be found anywhere near one of those? so many other places to go; many classier locales), i found myself at a chintzy little outfit on the outskirts of singapore; by the riverside near the fullerton. hearing the waves crashing against the breakwaters, left alone with my thoughts. stand and watch as everything irrelevant slips away into the night like a silk veil, of how the waves were so bessotted by the shore the two couldnt part, and how outrageously exorbitant the prices were. so many things to think about, so many things to go through- and everything is decided and settled. i will get my posting on tuesday and what proceeds from there is everything my future is going to be although now i know it will be in law. what do i say? i find i lack relevance or continuity right now; all attributed to a few shots of vodka- leave me, in my degeneracy.
what are we doing here?
nobody remembers
Thursday, March 17, 2005
- 9:40 pm
and rapidity solidifying around us as everything begins to slow, and then fast forward like the slingshot time ever was.
- 2:34 pm
ive plunged headfirst so deeply into a mire of surrealist realism ive forgotten about everything in general- and the use of writing here. inspiration, previously lost, has been redelivered on a silver platter as i look forward to the 23rd, and a posting to a new school. so many things seem to have changed; but when you look at it all its all nothing in the big picture. change, no change, whirlwinds of emotion throwing us into tantrums of sullen ineptitude, or as a frenzied dervish on a stretch of imagination. and heck, lets just throw a sandstorm into the picture to add some constancy to an ever-changing script.
i remember my childhood and for those of you unaware of what that is, its that time when you were small, young and carefree. this statement invokes a deep sense of sorrow for a vast majority of my friends raised in singapore who are actually able to ask themselves what childhood? growing up in london, then on to paris, going up the eiffel tower, or just trying to actually eat snow but always being thwarted in my attempts by the parental figures. or stealing tomatoes from that tree in the corner of the garden in spring, when the air was clean, crisp and fresh- and the only cars i ever saw seemed to be those beetles. when long sideburns were in fashion, and most of what i said involved the words 'papa carry me', or hiding in the crevice between the sofa from my little sister. going to skool there, and playing the big billy goat gruff who knocked the evil troll off the bridge, and being the cow in the nativity act- all my first dramatic memories. of lining up my nice big collection of toy cars against the wall and proudly showing them to the world- parading them in a sense of the word; much like i am putting my memories up for everyone to see and ooh and aah at- no i much prefer the term showcase. especially that time when the teacher at the school asked me what drink id like during a class party and i shot a 'johnny walker black label on the rocks' at her with no hesitation. my father was undoubtedly my idol- and still is though im bent on pursuing another profession now; im too arts and too little science. someday i will own a blue convertible BMW, live in a big house with a beautiful wife and a beautiful life. ill work to make those dreams come true; do law, and be goddamned good at it. im listening to 'must get out' by maroon 5 which could account for some of these sudden feelings of passion but my supposedly 'fiery' temperament has been ignited, and hell hath no fury like i have. i denounce everything and anything holding me at impasse with myself- i am for who i am and everything for i am. knowing who i am- something thenuga helped me realise a long time ago. a long time ago.
then, coming to singapore. to joyce gohs' playgroup. having to stay back two years for being to young to go on to primary school, for having completed their entire syllabus by age 5. going to school with my little blue thomas the tank engine lunchbox, and then coming home on the bus waving at all the people in their cars behind us chanting something along the lines of 'berry goodbye' to them. one day this new driver got so pissed off by this, he threw a featherduster at us. various parental figures intervened, and he was fired the next day. ha. take that abusive bus driver man. then finally on to primary school, taking bus number 5 to and from school everyday with the bus driver, uncle potatohead. henry park primary school. joining scouts, being the only pri 2 kid allowed to join for simply answering the question as to why i wanted to join scouts with a 'i want to help people' when most idiots talked about how they loved camping. going through 1C, 2C with miss karen lee then on to the best class in pri 3, 3H with ms yong song ling (who later became mrs sia song ling) and creating this vigilante society called 'the spider catchers' who were constantly reprimanded for doing just that. going through to 4H, streamed to EM1, opted to EM2 by the parental figures. big mistake. taking the GEP test, passing, and being rendered ineligible for unwillingness to switch to rosyth primary. going to EM2 class 5D instead of A,B or C, losing all forms of motivation not studying for anything and breezing through the PSLE, entering RI based on IQ and evaluation by SINDAs' Project Vidya for gifted students.
passing through RI, fucking everything in my life up, watching relationships crash and burn, not knowing what to say or how to do anything right before the prelims, and suiciding through them ending up with 16 pathetic points taking me straight to JJC later on. going to starbucks, working my arse off and ending up with six points on the O's. and here i am now. seeing everything change, and waiting, tenuously for the future and everything its gonna bring. moving out of science and into arts- a huge change.
being fat from pri 6 through to sec 3, and cutting 2.4 timings from 18 minutes to 11. i remember in pri 5 i did my 1.6 in 10 minutes- i was 11; 6 years on and now im hoping to do my 2.4 in 9. being betrayed by friends; changing completely from a fat bastard to what i am now and realising so many things, pulling so many strings, and hacking social circles down to size. being a part of the raffles players for four years, and feeling undertested. taking part in one stupid dramafeste thanks to SARS, sec 1 and the Os'. watching life take all its turns, writing its story, and being the main character.
going out with girls who never really cared much for me, riding the crest of a wave of popularity for a few days before i saw through shallow facades and left. rejections, rebuttals, ive seen them. asking four who really meant anything, and going out with three. forming the fairy godsiblings with my best friends hulin, shumin and kat. meeting the person who changed everything; ramya- and seeing her leave for york. meeting my darling sing to the dawn cast and riding every storm with them, through hell and high water and making it to production night; we were, and will always be remembered as the best they ever saw that night. may 7th and 8th, 2 nights and a matinee to remain etched in my memory for all time; along with the prayers we shared, the blood, sweat and tears we shed; and our final production, 'Sing to The Dawn'. we did it. and we made it big.
seeing how everything has changed,
and how i never expected any of it.
fin
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
- 11:58 am
liquid drops of crystal green rain down in front of me, as i veer left and right to avoid the consequentiality of reality coming straight at me, confused, avoidant and exhausted.
lets face the music; and dance
its kalpanas birthday today, so
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAO!
the vividity of the hues up ahead guide me towards them as i steer onwards in that particular direction, unaware the infallibility of such an act, and then stop; to wait for the next destination. im waiting for the results of my JAE posting to come out, and i hope to see RJC arts on the slip.
we played soccer today, and im sick, but so many people came and it was fun because i scored a brilliant goal not unlike the three of yesterday although i must lament the loss of real madrid to getafe sending our hopes of a glorious double when coupled with defeat to juventus, to an untimely crash. die barca, die.
tell the world you dont know me,
im just sayin im sorry
recollected thoughts, and time spent together in the afternoon
Saturday, March 12, 2005
- 2:32 pm
what a wonderful world
and it looks like we've found our place
Monday, March 07, 2005
- 12:50 am
the rain pours on down, drops of liquid cool on ground parched, thirsty, devoid of any form of consolation or condolence- till now. soft tear drops from brief interplays within subsections of time and plates of reality revealing the intricate designs of the greater being on the existence of the commoner. slowly, grudging pale white clouds against a velvet purple backdrop dotted with stars; diamond like hold back the cool shower from the world waiting below, a world of lovers lying nestled in each others arms, and children sleeping snugly under thick covers. it is a scene of beauty- art in its purest form found in nature. the pitter-patter of drops hitting leaves slows to a halt and i feel tempted to bawl out loud, in memoriam; of rain.
cold comfort wrought by pure white surrounding holding time its captive, and the world its prize as it extends its icy grip to everything outside. within, log fires burn in every house, beings take time to interact, to coexist in a simulmacrum of a perfect world. trees, bereft of their green crowns, shed in exchange for lavish cloaks of white to traipse about the wonderland of purity whilst all around, chill breezes blow, stealing beneath everything sending little nips to anyone foolish enough to leave the protection of sanctuary; this natural beauty is for mother nature herself- and her children are banned from partaking in its splendour for the magnitude of their sins. and so they weep, inconsolable.
fin
Sunday, March 06, 2005
- 6:55 pm
; a denoument of the fundament
its 0240 and early sunday morning as i wait for 255 to swing by and proclaim the beginning of the match between real madrid and valencia at the mestalla. barca, in the meantime, are one up and im praying they concede; madrid need to take home three points today and with luck we'll be able to hack them down to at least five, or keep it at six.
its early morning and a hazy gloom covers everything outside my window, making me feel reassured to be inside.
early morning, with the only available light emanated by dull gray lamp posts standing like sentinels over the road, and stars shining in dull fashion, without as much of the usual fervour, as though their souls are off seeking restitude, and i am possessed the sudden desire to fly and reach those stars; no i'm not. thats just trigger happy bullshit, just like everything and anything associated with the 'JJ Spirit'. the spirit in question is encompassant of all things shameless and stupid, and actually doesnt exist. as the last part of its strange assembly song goes,
JJ spirit is a lie
or maybe it isnt. maybe its true. who cares? im leaving it anyway andll probably never hear of it again or be associated with it in any form; save for that mark on some testimonial or record far far away with the stamped letters JJC. or at least ill be discociated next year when all my dear friends have left the place and so decide not to languish in the horrid mire that is- everything around us bordered by groups of people, boring, ubiquitious bent on servitude of a nation willing to give nothing in return. the comfort of politicians and the rich on the backs of the masses. there are so many causes to be fought for in the world; why do we all give ourselves these small, cheap little ambitions like becoming a doctor or lawyer? why not devote our lives to the bigger cause; like those in greenpeace or the united nations for example; organisations with causes nobler than any other on earth, and woefully underfunded. dont come giving bullshit on how the vatican is possessed of the greatest servitors on earth when its very own subdivisions; the greek church has been found proven guilty of the most heinous charges of bribery, mob connection and others too grisly and obscene to be anywhere near deservant of mention here?
rise from the shallow mindset you've been delivered,
and come to realisation of the things that really matter
shadows, trailing,
like skraelings pon
sea breeze on ships stern
gentle tender as prow cuts buffets of wind
and delivers them gently on its passengers and
proponents
my gemini differential would compare this to a model parliament;
and so would i.
live the cause, die the dream
Friday, March 04, 2005
- 11:03 pm
you take too much of my mind; leave.
realisations that memory was ever a friend, and that realisation itself was of the greatest consequence; realisation that feelings and emotion do move- oftentimes too late. start believing people; the shows started a long time ago; its life. of emptiness separated by nothing that matters and by non existence; and its relation to the interlinkage of every being on this planet. no man is an island (actually some are. like that fat guy over there; hes got enough oil in him to float on water!) but to deny the fact that we are really as one, dominoes of consequence and desire stacked against one another waiting for a small touch to send everything to the fall whilst on the other hand sometimes a bottle of absolut stops that fall for a while and turns it into a spiral (oh look at those pretty lights. is it really christmas ma? or im i just seeing things? wait. thats a traffic light. whats it doing under my car?); a slow fall to anything but grace. realise; that to realise is bane to man himself and that to exist; realisation is required thus disputing the fact that existence is the basis of all reality. (take that russian existencialist guy! and why not you. yes you, the fascist humping his leg). what do i write all this for? i still dont know; and you probably dont know why you come for this piece of fuck passing of for an online diary. whoop dee doo!
moving on, moving up, moving out
its been two months at Jurong Junior College and im finally ready to leave. no, actually ive always been ready to leave. so there. im moving up and out; with applications to RJC and ACJC arts in the box and waiting for a speedy, favourable response. its saddens me deeply to leave; not because the teachers were great, or the facilities good (neither of which is true. in fact the direct opposite in its most spartan sense might be truer. fuck, theyve only just installed doors on the toilet cubicles!) but for its people. ive met so many new people in JJC, made so many friends i otherwise wouldnt have made and i guess luck had a lot to do with it. so i thank Sing To The Dawn for wrecking my studies the way it did and enriching me on the whole as a person, both pre and post production. so many new friends in school paying especial attention to my best friends there, Namita Narin Nabil Rupa Anasuya and Anjali; people i wont forget and will always remember with fondness. yuck; the overflow of warm sentiment in this post is haemorrhaging my brain with warning signals; fuck what the hell am i saying? this all sounds really dumbfucked and stupid.
take the flame and burn in the bright light of day what you would claim to be traits undesirable such that from the flames may be born anew whatever it may be that you may lay claim to as honourary statistic and understand the true nature of being; something about as easy as convincing a redneck that no, beer is not the elixir of life, and that yes, it is possible to live without it, even for the few hours at grandma bess' funeral.
its really strange how the world turns round its own little circles while moving round one huge circle to bring about constant change in the big picture. i guess this teaches quite a bit about why macromanagement is more important than micromanagement but im not really interested so why bother going on? just go back to reading your latest edition of golfing for pros or lawn bowls; the gene simmons way and wonder why i say any of this.
and pray that inspiration doth be kind enough to revisit
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
- 12:29 am
darkness outside yellow pinpoints of light differentiating existential matter from impure, dirty black. dark cloudless night reaching out around from a point of centrality to engulf the rest of space in its cold dark grip; suffocating- and then carressing as cold darkness is transformed to velvet softness with the prescence of a being; such a difference a single one can make to the indefinable inexorable grandiose wonder nature has provided to us in the form of night. and far up ahead, the lights dance, fade, flicker in their multi coloured variation to the aplomb and glee of the viewers, sobbing like children at the end of its natural span. of reminiscence, and realisation of reality; dreams within grasp but beyond reach, lives blessed and blissfully untouched.
today i went out with hulin shumin and kat to nooch because we just couldnt find the dome cafe, and Olio Dome featured exorbitant prices and the type of fare leaving much to be desired. (its not that snazzy a place anyway. four bucks for a coke? fuck off.) after that we went off to watch Million Dollar Baby which was amazing (the main actors, hillary swank and this other main character guy were brilliant); but not something id want to watch again- ever. escapism to the max. more things happened after that; but that does not belong here.
clouds parted to reveal deep purple sky dotted with stars, glowing brightly fiercely inextinguishable; making a mockery of everything below in their brilliance. never before has eternal glow by estee lauder ever been so envious; an imitation stark and cheap in contrast to the stars. stars billions of light years away still close enough to comfort the odd cold soul and remind every so often the disenchanted lover shuffling aimlessly home that there is always hope; unless he happens to be horribly disfigured and have no redeeming qualities in which case there really is no hope.
take darkness and plunge it into your soul to reveal what ever was and never has and watch it fan out through every facet of your essence purging everything ever to conceal ill will or bad sentiment; shrouding it and choking it in its intricate strands of nothing and have it retreat from the self to have the light shine through anew. after all is it not true that the noblest part of human spirit is seen through endurance in times of direst need? or maybe it isnt- nay probably isnt true nothing can be believed only realised or learnt; never taken straight to the heart in a gesture as cheap and unfulfilling as your five dollar rolex. take it all and turn away to the source of everything that would ever spur you on to wherever you may go and go- dont ever stop. and when you done reached it you got yourself a slice of the nirvana pie. eat it whole, dont let it drop, achieve finality and come to the realisation that akesh abhilash doesnt know what he's talking about right now. joy.
six points, and im a-weary.