Saturday, August 16, 2008
- 1:56 am
for the darkness of the night isnt so dark anymore, and the light of day is unwelcome. the night is a beautiful thing, a thing of peace, solace and silence. it brings an end to everything, and holds us in stead for the next beginning/ the night is our saviour and cradles the being with its essence, and its purity/for what is purer than the diamond light shining forth from the skies endless canvas?
revolucion de amor
times have changed. the world is different now; and we're all allowed new beginnings. life starts again, with new hope and the need for stability; the creation of beauty in our young world.
i met tatum that day, and we walked our intersecting ways towards nothing in particular. criss crossing paths, cross, counter cross, parallels; stop laugh slap spit, walk. time melted around us; we kept walking whilst the world blurred around us, waiting at every light for things to jump back to perspective- they never did. i think we got tired of waiting and crossed the road anyway; she tried to stop me, and did. held sway over thoughts and actions, in devotion; every smile a gift.
then bent to focus and concentration; but for the joy of the others presence we would have wept and withered for the sheer weight of expectation on our young shoulders. to draw strength from a source of joy, where they come few and far between; and heaven help that it is as it is, that mine being would leap and bound again, and that the mind would hit that old frame of hyperdrive, that i didnt know that a light would start to burn, slowly and grow. the spirit knows no death, but un-death still not a real state of living; but for the presence and joy, to live again or as i put;
the days of death have passed us by,
to live again, yes you and i,
for now light beckons from the north,
the golden star to guide us forth.
and whence from came this saving grace,
to save this world and make a place;
to live again, back from the dead,
to walk again, in mine own stead.
and then the move back, to the station and sudden confusion, tension, fear. of loss, permanent and undue. of a return. questions, too many questions. what was in those eyes? what did they hold/i did not know. right then; there was only the now, there was nothing; and then there was everything. desolate, to part; and then a pause; yes. yes. yes. thats my answer. yes. (for you must have your dignity). the hour past, fast and free; safe in arms and to break, with no small measure of grief.
the ride home was quiet;
peace has come.
yet we die to fly
to heaven and high
and reach for what was gone;
and there was one
fin
Thursday, August 07, 2008
- 12:52 am
Its like that, when a hundred thousand thoughts are flying through your head, and then suddenly nothing. suddenly, emptiness, and you need to stop and really think about what you want to say next, what you can say next; to break out with something so remarkably different that itd be good; but you end up messing up instead. when you discover that something you just saw superficially turned out to be something something more; but you end up messing up instead. because it gives you freedom, gives you liberation, but you end up messing it up so completely instead; because you cant be yourself; because you suddenly find youve lost yourself and dont know what to say; should/shouldnt/can/will this do?/this wont do/i dont know say. in the end, you reign in silence, far away; just to hope not to not know what to say; and wanting so dearly to be able to say what you know not to say.
o miserable creature is man!//
he who saith not what he feel,
and feeleth not what he saith.
how does man deal with the deluge of emotion that comes pouring his way, especially when sorrow travels forth from its temporary refuge, beaten back by some new shortlived joy? like the beast of wrath roused from slumber, but to live far longer and more potent; like a slow working poison.
surely such sufferance in live long understood to be devoid of meaning is not to be borne. Surely sufferance is an unnecessary phase, for through death we ascend everything to return to the nothingness from which everything came. but then we live, if only for a while longer, just to see what happens next. life is a hook; its bait is hope.
we are all as thralls to this bait, and ascension possible only through mastery of understanding.
and sometimes you have to stop and wonder.
to sit and think and wonder. explore tremendous areas of nothingness and traverse vast expanses of space and time on a whim. guess barney didn't know he was sitting on a goldmine, at least till kids started kow-towing before him calling him der 'nuts, cheese and celery' meister. that was the signal to start sneaking crack into the whole suit and spend days lying about on gullah gullah island splitting a joint with tinky winky and the rest of the van der wanker gang. sometimes the brady bunch comes too and starts the whole we're better than you thing with the 70's show gang, but hey! when you're in crack wonderland, everybodys friends at the end of the day. just ask ali g.
the message of the day is to stay drug free, especially when theyre released by super secret government organisations in a super secret international superpower in a super secret bid to quell the youth and blame everything on the hippies. oh yeah, and communism. thanks vietnam. i think i could be a bit outdated though, specially since little jimmy from the block told me his mars bar came off with a big "beware of terrorists" sticker on it. he tells me it scares him especially since the bad man on the wrapper looks like uncle masood who owns the magazine shop down the corner and gives free candy to the kids. mommy and daddy say he looks "ethnic", so stay away from him. maybe he's in one of those super secret things! maybe he's trying to poison the kids! how are we gonna build a better future with no kids?! aaaah the world is topsy turvy but no worries everybody the government is gonna protect us and smash poverty at the same time by bringing liberty to irate i-raq and making that big bad saddam guy feel bad. someday, we'll achieve the american dream; of a global america where everybody has to give us their oil. i mean i know its all "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" mommy, but why is daddy still in afghanistan? and why hasnt he written for the past year? mommy im scared. how are we going to pay the mortgage and remain all powerful rulers of the universe- uh i meant benevolent superpowers if those pesky indians and chinese keep their growth rates so high?
speaking of high growth rates, last i heard, we hit 7.7% back here in singapore. not bad for a little red dot huh. you can bring all the shazaam back after malaysia come down to the national stadium for rollin rollin rollin good times with moe alkaff and the rest of the young lions. they say its all blood, sweat and tears down on that pitch, but all i see is mud, grass and a bunch of mistimed tackles with just a smattering of teen spirit. and lets not forget the generous donations handed over to some of the opposing sides. the way we're going maybe in 15 years when agu casmir retires we might even get to sign obafemi martins when he's 37. or we could just cut to the chase and pick up romario. fun, fun, fun!
theres always a time to move on. so move on. you'll find it waaaay more exciting than collecting stamps or discount coupons off the new paper. and lets not forget everybodys favourite 'yogam' hour with the mole in the hole. if you can see him that is.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
- 8:22 pm
and so i seek solace from the fact that writing, an otherwise seemingly meaningless activity, brings some respite to the discomfiture trailing me like a shadow. apart from the fact that as i write, the sky remains dark, and almost as grim as my prospects over the next few days.
just wait and see. it will all change in one huge burst of glory, and no, this is not some macabre soliloquy purposed on the definition, meaning or essence of the transition between life and death, or an almost seamless, surgical execution of life as it should be, but rather in some ways a monologue of mourning expressed by the pen in ways the sword never could, or will. make love, not war.
lets go back. to times more filled with joy, and relish for each passing day of life, days now almost non existent, time slowing to a weary halt, on occasion trudging aimlessly, pointlessly, but to what final destination; i will never know. still, the futures pretty promising too, so we could try that way. whats that? you think we should ask someone for directions? hmm. okay.
is it all you really think about? what thoughts pick their way meticulously through your mind in the late hours of the night? and then during the day they suddenly become so strange, so stupid, so...different. on how things change, and the mind changes to meld itself into whatever form to reach denial, or acceptance, whichever is easier, no matter how hard you try to fight it after change, drastic change in environment, metaphysical and mental.
look for meaning in a whispered sentence, and see ever concealed emotion shout back at you. a whisper can convey so many emotions, anguish, fear, pain, sadness, all across the spectrum to joy. sheer uncontrollable euphoria as that whisper slowly gathers strengh and you break; and then it all falls down. which is why the littlest things are the biggest, and why the meek will rule the world after man faces his biggest, most basal fears, loneliness and silence. an event as predictable as the apocalypse, yet just as likely to happen. i have no desire to explain myself further, i have nothing to say to you or anyone else. how it gnaws at night insidem how unquestionable predictability bears so much in common to 'and all their answers unquestioned', and how that has become the new perestroika, or openess of the new millenium. free speaking might be a great ideal, but like most ideals? it never suits society, or the government. too many skeletons in the closet.
amour amour
what world is it that we live in when openess and unquestionable predictability in words of authoritarian figures are synonymous, and great literary works have ceased production? culture was always a fad, and now it is dying, replaced instead by plastic gambling chips, and greenbacks carrying imagined value; lifeblood of the economy, messiah of economists and businessmen, ichor to democracy and governor of the world. so long as people are money minded, democracy will always be preferred, and influence of a certain democratic nation which considers its duty to the world to involuntary violent 'assisted' revolution to the aforementioned cause. how can we ever truly consider ourselves free, shackled as we are by that national economy, brainwashing an entire generation and in so doing creating a stigma towards what was always ours, tradition and culture, now relics of a previous age.
and indeed if words have the power to move, and to open eyes, let this writing be that Hup Seng moving pte ltd, or that big lasik surgery in the sky. failing which can it be at least rolled up to bat that pinata? ooh. pinata.
come here to where i stand, and look up, straight up into the sky and at the starrs.
skool is as skool is, eh ange? still miss you by the way. nuff said.
i dont know. its very confusing, especially since these past 3 pages of writing have to be typed out in a number of days.
but i digress. such is the immediate changing swing of moods, that im becoming somewhat disturbed by my discomfitable, and on occasion perturbing behaviour. ill continue some other time. there are other things to attend to right now though, and baby we gonna make it good. i love you. and you. and you. all of you for boarding the rebelstarr. not really. after all, lying is a cardinal sin.
digressions, confessions and finally, interventions
bitte bitte, gib mir gift
i think RHCP are the best thing this world has had since sliced bread- and thats saying a lot.
breathe in.
breathe out.
breathe in.
sleep is good, although i dont want to sleep my life away, rather spend it doing exciting things and getting sufficient sleep.
sleep, king of gods and men,
master of all,
come to mine eyes again,
come as i call
sleep, who may loose and bind
each as his thrall,
come to the weary mind,
come at my call,
tamer of toil and woes,
healer of all,
sleep, whence our solace flows,
come as i call
brother of mankind,
softly you fall
leaving the world behind,
come at my call
sleep, lord of all things made,
sleep over all,
let your warm wings be laid,
came as i call
for what else will come when only sleep can provide any respite, any solace from the day.
perhaps we love the night so for it means that escape from the world is but a short while in coming, perhaps its because once again were free to dream - and we dream of lives how we wanted them, and how they couldve been-but never were.
you want commitment,
put on your best suit,
get your arms around me cos im goin down down down
its one of those warm days the sun loves vaingloriously proclaiming his prescence by bathing the world in the glow of his resplendance, and we all dance, minds intoxicated by his radiance, awash with joy and a mixture of all sorts of sentiments. for the world is young on days like this, and the spirit free.
i want to be free.
such is the way of the world that the biggest and most accountable explanation of life is found in its more dimunitive beings, and the truth behind meaning is pointlessness, as we meander about our little worlds with our little minds being the centres of our own universes. and lets share our universes, make them one. that each cell of the body works specifically in tandem with other cells to perform specific functions is fascinating, although right as i write this on my lecture pad im having the heck bored out of me by the absolute nothingness of everything. why am i here?
i walk out.
banned from partaking in its splendour for the magnitude of their sins. and so they weep, inconsolable
fin
- 7:58 pm
so the days grow hotter and the nights colder as things start to speed up again and for the first time in a long time it looks like normal service is being resumed. looking back at the dourness of the past months one tends to wonder why it took so long but here we are so lets cut to the chase.
2AO1D. gosh those were good times. and then its TEAAM3 event rehearsal on friday and then! gonna hit the clubs till about 6 before headin straight for the event at 630 saturday morning, get home by 1 and then be ready by 330 for football before saturday night clubbing hits us. its gonna be a long two days, so lets get up for the get go.
headed to raffles city for an ice cream lunch with angela on sunday before going to this water park and flying down slides. we saw a rainbow! and an abandoned little boy but obviously the rainbow was more interesting. she is the sweetest thing alive, and miss her quite terribly now. we were rolling floats around and she was following around everywhere cos she was blind without her contacts hahaha. and swimming about and everything before throwing down some KFC and sending her home with a bit more econs than before. brilliant day. now we just gotta wait for her a's to push off.
so here we go; swing swing swing swing and smash! before hittin it up for the home run. we're back on home turf now so lets make it good, like those times we used to bike race around sunset way and make loud engine noises and give our bikes fancy names. thunderwheels hahaha. then down to the playground part to play blind man and super mario, with mario, the princess, the star and the bad guy and everybody else got to be luigi and whoever else happened to be around, before uncle harbhajan'd saunter up the slope with a ball and we all rushed down to start the match. we've been playing since 1994.
uninspired.
fin
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
- 1:49 am
the days past have been better than the last. life is finally moving in a right direction, and now there is purpose; meaning, identity. a continuous cycle, light tearing hot scratches into the stretch of dark sky, suffusing it, and then reclaimed by the stars.
a million lives passed between us before we were aware of presence. a million hopes kindled in the breeze of passing memories; to die out, because you only create new hope with new memories. sometimes the most obvious things are right in front of you, except that you choose to ignore them because you don't know. do we?
its so quiet, so serene at this time of night. a breeze blows, the leaves in the trees letting go the soft sussurus part of the tranquility of the night, velvet darkness to kiss; the intensity of the day behind, lending rest to the soul. the solitude provides some form of solace and comfort to everything that is, and finally i understand.
street lights glow softly in the distance and a sweet caressing coolness whispers
what is that is
and sing, softly
fin
Friday, August 01, 2008
- 11:35 pm
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT GOT DELETED I AM NOT TYPING IT AGAIN
in other news, saturday and sunday are lookin pretty good.
fin
hit the stars
