and then it hits you, like a brick. that you've been a bleeding idiot; too absorbed in your own fantasia to be aware of much around you. yes YOU, you fucking idiot. who are you becoming, yes mr overbearing sanctimonious bigot. you bloody mush monster! learn to walk with some pride again. live by your own dictate; you dont have to change to please because its only going to displease.
we were so charming the future was alarming but now don't you go look so proud'cause guess who's laughing nowmy name is akesh abhilash. ill be 32 on june 10th 2020 and i live with my father. i like playing soccer with the guys down at sunset and i do drama. i particularly enjoy performing as a stand up comedian which lends to emceeing stints. i hope to one day become a lawyer or a banker in singapore, and am currently working at bernard and rada in getting experience. i enjoy writing poetry, acting and good conversation, all of which i can thank nadia for having brought out in me on a more personal level. she is my loving girlfriend who is currently studying in year 2 in TJC; we've had our problems, but our strength has made us all the more resolute. i guess there are a lot of things i dont tell her; which she doesnt know- like how i think the world of her, or how she makes me smile like an idiot whenever she tells me she loves me; how i think shes the funniest person in the world though i half the time i never laugh, and how she means so much to me. we've been together something around three months which is pretty close to a first for me but i figure shes just special. you dont chuck two like minded people together and expect nothing to happen. god but you dont know nady. god but you dont know the cross examining, the 'did i do this right?'s that run through my head and the inevitable 'i fucked up.' shes been so patient, tolerant and loving that its hard to believe. and ive changed so much its even harder to believe; three weeks of illness have destroyed me physically and really hurt me. i guess its time to build up again; and then to build up the future. change is eternal but it doesnt mean that you cant revert to what you were, especially if what you were is who you are. like i said, time to burn; to stop living the characters and start living akesh. for nadia. i guess this time it wont just be for me. happy valentines day sweetheart.
so many times we've talked and been through things and maybe im not doing all the things i should be doing; not doing all the things i plan i should be doing. im not; and i feel like such an idiot which is why there needs be change, and its coming now. she wont be reading this anytime past the 14th (since it already is, and by then wont be a surprise) but tomorrow im gonna take her down to that german place at novena for pork knuckle. i know she loves it; just like i do.
sometimes its scary how much somebody else might have in common with you; for the way they were brought up, for the brutality in their lives or for the way they are at all. sometimes its just really scary because you always thought you were alone in this miserable plight to forever languish in your own romantic solitude when actually theres a somebody else in your little niche so like you in so many ways it just ceased being funny after chang and eng decided to go their own ways in the sunday pub league. its unnerving; but the relentless barrage of human emotional baggage stops there because it becomes something else- has become- something else- a source of comfort and affection. shared sorrow is often the most tolerable, and fosters the most enduring relationships; for the hope of eventual salvation to be found within the understanding of the other. sometimes i feel like im so close to that salvation, and sometimes, so far. its all to be found within the swing of a mood, or in closer detail, the swing of a scythe. just ask the queen of the fairies (titania, wasnt she, in a midsummers night dream?).
and in my happy precedent she sets the standard again, because she can, because she is that damn good. we are equal in so many ways i refuse comparison (except your eyes because mine are still marginally bigger than yours. ha.), and its provisive of solace. for everything we have shared, dear nadia, for everything we know about each other, ever intimate detail, every memory, every part of the others life; we make a new one, more joyous than the other two, for the prevailing strength and hope in unity. because its true, chocolate liquer just doesnt taste as good anymore when the warmth has fizzed out; so we cant let that warmth go.
so on those days i'm in your car
we drove the steering wheel towards the median
joking that we'd end our lives
but we weren't joking all the timehappy valentines day.
hit the stars
