>===nothing gold can stay===<

Monday, February 19, 2007

- 2:54 am

and sometimes, on summer days and westering afternoons, words seem so empty.
sometimes, on windy evenings, you hear a whisper of truth which afterwards rings hollow.
then again, eventually, on lazy saturdays, you hit and note true and pure, and think to yourself, this is it.
is it?

you tend to wonder.
unasked questions never were so loud.

fin

soon to come:
1) church infiltration cont'd
2) new house

Thursday, February 15, 2007

- 11:56 pm

sometimes at night, when the sky is dark and the house is empty, i like to turn off the lights and sing. from out of that darkness will come tunes from the 70s and 80s and all sorts of melodies. i particularly like 'let it be' and 'you'll never walk alone'. i guess sometimes, songs really are filled with meanings that only occur to you when you're singing them, feeling them. i like the slow, steady songs that call for fluctuating highs and lows, or whatever goes with the mood. sometimes ill do a 'don't let the sun catch you crying' just for the sake of it. like i said, whatever goes. i love singing; you feel so happy to hear the words leave you forever and take some strain from your heart; if only temporarily.

guess there were some things you didnt know huh.

fin

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

- 11:47 pm

best v'day ever. conversation, food, sleep, chocolate, the brahauss specials and all topped off with an extra-special heap of ben&jerrys cookie dough by the poolside under the clear sky.

cap is back, with a vengeance.

fin

- 1:43 am

and then it hits you, like a brick. that you've been a bleeding idiot; too absorbed in your own fantasia to be aware of much around you. yes YOU, you fucking idiot. who are you becoming, yes mr overbearing sanctimonious bigot. you bloody mush monster! learn to walk with some pride again. live by your own dictate; you dont have to change to please because its only going to displease.

we were so charming
the future was alarming
but now don't you go look so proud
'cause guess who's laughing now

my name is akesh abhilash. ill be 32 on june 10th 2020 and i live with my father. i like playing soccer with the guys down at sunset and i do drama. i particularly enjoy performing as a stand up comedian which lends to emceeing stints. i hope to one day become a lawyer or a banker in singapore, and am currently working at bernard and rada in getting experience. i enjoy writing poetry, acting and good conversation, all of which i can thank nadia for having brought out in me on a more personal level. she is my loving girlfriend who is currently studying in year 2 in TJC; we've had our problems, but our strength has made us all the more resolute. i guess there are a lot of things i dont tell her; which she doesnt know- like how i think the world of her, or how she makes me smile like an idiot whenever she tells me she loves me; how i think shes the funniest person in the world though i half the time i never laugh, and how she means so much to me. we've been together something around three months which is pretty close to a first for me but i figure shes just special. you dont chuck two like minded people together and expect nothing to happen. god but you dont know nady. god but you dont know the cross examining, the 'did i do this right?'s that run through my head and the inevitable 'i fucked up.' shes been so patient, tolerant and loving that its hard to believe. and ive changed so much its even harder to believe; three weeks of illness have destroyed me physically and really hurt me. i guess its time to build up again; and then to build up the future. change is eternal but it doesnt mean that you cant revert to what you were, especially if what you were is who you are. like i said, time to burn; to stop living the characters and start living akesh. for nadia. i guess this time it wont just be for me. happy valentines day sweetheart.

so many times we've talked and been through things and maybe im not doing all the things i should be doing; not doing all the things i plan i should be doing. im not; and i feel like such an idiot which is why there needs be change, and its coming now. she wont be reading this anytime past the 14th (since it already is, and by then wont be a surprise) but tomorrow im gonna take her down to that german place at novena for pork knuckle. i know she loves it; just like i do.

sometimes its scary how much somebody else might have in common with you; for the way they were brought up, for the brutality in their lives or for the way they are at all. sometimes its just really scary because you always thought you were alone in this miserable plight to forever languish in your own romantic solitude when actually theres a somebody else in your little niche so like you in so many ways it just ceased being funny after chang and eng decided to go their own ways in the sunday pub league. its unnerving; but the relentless barrage of human emotional baggage stops there because it becomes something else- has become- something else- a source of comfort and affection. shared sorrow is often the most tolerable, and fosters the most enduring relationships; for the hope of eventual salvation to be found within the understanding of the other. sometimes i feel like im so close to that salvation, and sometimes, so far. its all to be found within the swing of a mood, or in closer detail, the swing of a scythe. just ask the queen of the fairies (titania, wasnt she, in a midsummers night dream?).

and in my happy precedent she sets the standard again, because she can, because she is that damn good. we are equal in so many ways i refuse comparison (except your eyes because mine are still marginally bigger than yours. ha.), and its provisive of solace. for everything we have shared, dear nadia, for everything we know about each other, ever intimate detail, every memory, every part of the others life; we make a new one, more joyous than the other two, for the prevailing strength and hope in unity. because its true, chocolate liquer just doesnt taste as good anymore when the warmth has fizzed out; so we cant let that warmth go.

so on those days i'm in your car
we drove the steering wheel towards the median
joking that we'd end our lives
but we weren't joking all the time

happy valentines day.

fin

Monday, February 12, 2007

- 12:14 am

maybe its hard, to watch things, people or feelings wither and waste away. when you lose control of everything because you've lost much of the will which drove things along. i guess its hard to grow without certain things; but then again maybe you were doing it wrong all along.

and then sometimes you just think "what the fuck am i doing?".
so then its time to make changes, and deliver on promises.

start the new regiment tomorrow.
start work at bernard, rada and lee on tuesday.
start a new life, today.

lets burn.

fin

Saturday, February 10, 2007

- 4:06 am

dear scene, i wish i were deaf.

salud.

fin

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

- 12:28 am

one

so we learn to burn
in rhymes and reasons
for our own fears;
give me your tears.

so we perish to cherish
the memories in monochrome
that lie hidden from the past;
they were the last.

do you dare to bear
the sufferent stare
of baleful humankind?
or would you hope to grope
through trouble and toil;
to realise- it is blind?

do you want to enchant
a world of woe,
of sorrow, misery?
lift us, to glory.

yet we die to fly
to heaven and high
and reach for what was gone;
and there was one.

fin

Sunday, February 04, 2007

- 4:45 pm

and so the ultimate social experiment draws to a close, upon our successful infiltration and integration into a society we never understood. our doubts however, have been eradicated completely for the atrocity of the conduct to which we bore witness, and for the intellectual degeneracy and torment we have subjected ourselves to. what can i say? its been worth it.

on a completely, utterly unrelated note :), haresh and i have been successful in our mission to get him baptised. haresh made a stupid bet in australia (which he lost), which meant that he had to convert to mormonism for a day. being a stupid friend, i ventured so far as to join him in his ordeal and so began our endeavour to become a part of the mormon society. it started off with us meeting elders (codenamed so as to maintain anonymity) dotard and carnival, who began leading us up the path by giving each of us a copy of the book of mormon and the rules behind mormonism. thus began a process of learning and a plunge to the inner circles of the society, discovering many secrets which shocked us. over time, they were replaced by elders sobriety and christian, which led us to wonder if the upper echelons of their society had other titles, like lord or even darth. we each secretly aspired to someday attain the rank of darth akesh or darth haresh before realising doing so would be utterly ridiculous.

mormonism was invented by a 14 year old boy named joseph smith in 1819. the elders claim he was visited by god, but some suspect he was doing crack. anyways apparently god visited this kid and said "this is my son. behold!" and there was jesus too. they said the churches on earth were useless and blasphemous so make a new one using brass tablets written by red indians buried somewhere in america. so joseph smith dug up these tablets and translated them into the book of mormon at which point they flew back up to heaven. (oh yeah- guess who directed and instructed him in this- THE ANGEL MORONI. no kidding. next thing you know, idioti and stupidi are gonna crash the party.) then, after he was assasinated, there was another elected 'gods chosen prophet' and a new beaurocracy which lasts to this very day. gordon b. hinckley is the current 'gods chosen prophet'. unsurprisingly, todays prophets, apostles and double quorom of 70s are (as they have always been) a series of geriatric white men. when i asked the bishop why there were no asians or africans he said :

"the white people have suffered for us. we havent suffered enough yet. they are the chosen people of god."

which raises the question, how much more must we suffer after the rape of india, china and most of asia by western colonial powers? this bishop is chinese by the way. also, joseph smith condoned slavery, under the law of ham, where the africans are apparently designated as slaves by god. abso-fucking-lutely ludicrous.

last monday, i attended what was known as a family sharing session at the church of latter day saints in newton, where we were exposed to some members of their society. that day was a day of realisation of their true intent. initially, i was introduced to a pompous, overbearing pastor who seemed to suddenly become extra friendly when he found out that my father was a doctor. two vietnamese boys were there, and in general, the 'others' were mainly those removed from society, i.e no friends and nothing better to do on a monday night. not even wheel of fortune was showing although if im not mistaken, star world has some good shows on. among them was this old woman who liked talking a lot, and they all couldnt stop going on about how we should not drink tea or coffee. the next bit stunned me.

as haresh was being spoken to by the bishops son over an interview time for his baptism, i waited in the hallway when suddenly i heard the bishop and elder christian speaking in hushed voices. this is what the bishop said:

"...yes...she is very wealthy...her husband just died and left everything to her. her daughter hasn't been coming very regularly since then..we must make sure she comes more frequently."

at this point other people came out of the room and suddenly they changed subject, speaking in loud, cheery voices. haresh and i weren't shocked in the least by their intent- but their blatancy was specatacular.

here are some things you should know about the mormons.
a) the law of tithing. each mormon has to donate 10% of their income to the church. apparently god decreed that he should have some of your money.

b) mormonism isnt a recognised religion in america- it is actually a combination of three firms- so technically we are corporate mullahs.

c) coffee and tea cannot be consumed by mormons.

d) all other forms of christianity are incorrect as the church of latter day saints is gods church on earth. the rest are just a group of devil worshippers not approved by god.

e) under obedience in their guidebook is also this lovely quote- "You do not have to understand in order to obey." So much for the ability to reason. GIVE ME YOUR MONEY! why? YOU DONT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND TO OBEY!

so on friday, haresh was set to be baptised. imagine the excitement. hurrah. in the next installment of mormon adventures, read more about hareshs baptism, and the great escape.

jesus saves.

fin

Friday, February 02, 2007

- 10:45 pm

night falls once again as it throws its curtain of satin upon the land and chokes everything in its darkness. especially this night. sometimes you dont know how to explain things, but just know the feeling. theyre just so hard to explain, so that when you do, you just sound stupid; and the other never understands. just doesnt see how changes things; how something so insignificant appears so large in their eyes- how theyd happily jeopardise everything on a fancy. it hits breaking point, having to deal with the frustration when you were never really good at dealing with letting things pen up within the since desolate wastes of your inner confines.
desolation by decree?
i think not.

fin