Wednesday, December 06, 2006
- 3:59 pm
the provision of any semblance of solace to salve the burning feeling of emptiness occurent at a divergence of spirit is something spectacular. how do you ease the grief and soothe the pain when you help hurt yourself?
sometimes, you just dont know what to say when things happen. i guess its my fault. it always is. never really liked anybody else taking the blame when they got stuff to handle. its always beautiful to know- and to remember; but sorrow is not. sorrow is dark and ugly and painful yet somehow they are delivered in equal doses nowadays with increasing amounts of the latter.
walking away never seemed so strange or difficult; because when you walk on principle- for pride; its much more painful for knowing that emotion still reigns. frustration sweeps words up in waves that swell and crest and explode with burning venomousity to create hurt. and thats never good. i was always good at stuff but never with dealing with some things for the whirlpool that remains for a lack of a means of adequate expression. raw, wild, passionate and energetic expression, for howling, jumping and screaming ecstacy, or the darkest depths of despair; and inability to emote with sufficient ardour. talk about containment.
yet there will always remain a bit unbound and open to only a few; yet somehow it seems stupid for they were ever the few to cause much woe; in the greatest quantities. how can i leave when i give freely what is mine; and i still hold what is not mine (i hope.). you may have my candour; for were we to be born again; i wouldnt hope for much difference; for all suffering was initially borne of relative joy and beauty, and for having those in my life- even fleetingly- i am grateful and glad.
its taken so long; so long for some wounds to heal that you can only hope that new ones arent rent. the soup spoon, anyone? because sometimes at night its calming and strangely reassuring to hear the sound of measured breathing and sweet reassurances; even when theyre yours, although the lack of a reply on occasion does lead to consternation. a phobia? there needs be stability. one and forever, till an end of days. remember big plans. remember memories. and remember love.
i dont know what im doing.
fin
hit the stars
