Tuesday, October 31, 2006
- 9:15 pm
doesnt the feeling you get when you find something precious and then lose it suck. i think the best way to get over loss is through brahma meditation. anyways, ive pledged to spend the rest of my days to studying for the a's, working out and writing poetry. pretty much nothing else is worth anything anyway nowadays. im thinking of publishing something in the future? maybe itll be called heartbreak and chocolates.
somehow, somewhere
"dieci cento mille"
she said to me in passing
as we crossed the street
to watch the crowds massing
"i wrote a poem today," i told her
"would you like to hear it?"
again?"yes please"
a sussurus of whispers
surrounds my haven
in the middle of nowhere,
but still somewhere,
somehow, somewhere.
we walk the path of tragedies
we sing grim, black songs
but where the moon shows
she washes away our wrongs
my golden light is healing me
until i pass the next tree
bereft of life, melancholy
hold your heart beating tremulously
"dont give your heart to strangers"
we were once told
by the grove near the lake
where the yew grows old
"dont die before i do."
a string of donts
have chained me to this
a forced faith,
a measured step-
my haven falls
its naked red walls
open a world and a new path
to death,
and a beginning.
night flower
it was dark outside
the wind whispering to
nights lugubrious bride
the trees hugging darkness
to their wooden souls as if
savouring respite from the sun
a golden, glorious sin
is cut off,
suddenly
the void is filled in
silently,
and in the deepening dread
a flower trembles,
querulously.
lonely shadows trudge slowly
along the barren moor
following the guiding light
two by three by four
ever cutting circular furrows
into fabric of the night
his cloak torn thus
he let out a cry
and flees the scene
so day may watch him die
and in the lifting shadow,
a flower sways,
gently.
so yeah. each thing i show you is a piece of my death. enjoy.
fin
Saturday, October 28, 2006
- 12:35 am
hold this close to you and be strong, cos i know you are.
the firefly
in darkest deepest coldest night
they ran a path towards a light
to realise twas no light at all
but a firefly perched on the wall
its red brick burnt and charred yet still
from humanities dearth and loss of will
in face of peril still it glowed
its stood there bright resolve unbowed
what hope was found was lost withal
till a voice came forth, its clarion call
children stay awhile and fear me not
was never ill intentioned what love begot
what fate deals out we must receive
and beg not now for just reprieve
just run on steadfast in the night
yet always keep this hope in sight
that burden borne is what was earned
every fall is a lesson learned
but stand up right and keep love strong
and hold your tears back with my song
i hold your hearts within my light
tis that that makes my hope so bright
keep your faith and so set free
they who might not stumble 'pon me
they ran on now with hope renewed
to breaking dawn and leaves now dewed
to warm crimson flows, serendipity
lives now free from antipathy
and as it flew away
into the night sky
they silently loved
the firefly
fin
Friday, October 27, 2006
- 12:50 am
so we have our hues and shades of tempestuous, fiery passion and silent suffering and hold them as closely to our hearts as the paintset you got on your fourth birthday. we slather these paints all over our canvas till the sheet is sopping, dripping wet, until we learn masquery and create our illusionary facades. Cutting holes in the canvas, so very little really shows, for the sake of the display of our continued humanity, hiding our disorder and chaos from the world; our painted reveries swirl and twirl about, melding themselves into new forms, shapes and colours but retaining something of vibrancy.
eventually you realise that the things you do in life are like cards being stacked up to make a castle with the striking similarity that at the end of the day, everything is going to topple down anyway. manic depressivity is a problem as bad as bulimia but we dont really care about that; when youre prone to depression the shades of gray reach out from shadows beyond walls to pull you into their web of oblivion and mental anguish.
when i reminisce
ignorance was bliss
back in the days that
the magic existed
never be the way it was
cause the way it was
is trapped in a myth
releasing your superconcentrated trickle of emotion from your eyes, you direct its beam over the canvas to watch it burn and crumble away from the searing intense heat until you realise you've lost the plot and need to start again, or forever hold your peace.
so when we were good
just close your eyes
fin
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
- 12:43 am
i look to my eskimo friend. says:
I WLD FIGHT
nihilist // if you were wondering says:
YES!
gosh that was a priceless moment
fin
Monday, October 23, 2006
- 2:17 pm
some things fall apart
some things give you hope
some things that you find
are beyond your control
i love you and you're beautiful
you write your own songs
but if the right part of leaving
is where you're wrong
where it all began,
and where you end.
fin
- 2:11 pm
now all down in arms
this licence for rime
has not exceeded its time
heres the exegency plan.
for through invention of mine
we now draw the line
tween what makes beast and man
some poems i wrote today. hocus pocus lose the focus. gotta get my head back on work and not to writing stupid useless poems.
do you remember yesterday?
when leaves fell like tears
and the wind blew the years
do you remember serenity?
when you find home in the rain
just to find it lost again
do you remember these words? boarding buses
in transitionary conveyance
kindle spark burn and die
and then, once more, fly.
--***--
this dark study
is the caricature of contemplation
is the repository of revelation
is the slow death of revelry
in the burnt trail of anarchy
the bones of doystovsky
hide grief behind pallor
in this dark study
--***--
fin
Sunday, October 22, 2006
- 11:14 pm
take yourself a shot to the gut
i get very destructive when i become agitated. or when im tired, frustrated and angry. theres nothing better for venting frustration then a workout at the gym, or a few econs mcqs but what i do the most is write. write long charged poems, or beautiful paragraph- some way to seek release from the state of incarceration my mind locks itself up in when i submit to emotion. it never stays long though, because i know that in a few hours, the warden will come down, toss me a key and release me back to sadness; and there i reign until my mind picks up the mantle of a different persona, and venture to happier thoughts. then again this is all theory. i think.
das ist mein teil
fin
- 10:37 pm
spent the day studyin and doin lunch with nadia. heres the result.
http://www.youtube.com/v/oetMVoUc4gM
super happy random fun time video!
fin
Saturday, October 21, 2006
- 2:58 am
the day before i died
kichiro has been nominated with 49 other films for some award
good stuff
happy diwali
guess its time to move on to a new road
and a new life
fin
Monday, October 16, 2006
- 9:05 pm
in a dark study
hit skool today and got down to studying frost and did some econs mcqs. along the way about 10 different people came up to tell me some kid prabhu got retained.
personally, i didnt like the kid for a while. according to a buncha people hes perverse and chubby-hubby like. but yeah i cant help but feel sorry for him. poor chap lah. im sure deep down inside hes a decent misunderstood guy. im pretty much sure hes actually a nice guy who just cant deal. getting retained sucks, big time, and word is that 9 other j1s got retained. hope they get their act together and hit the big time next year in j2. yes. even prabhu.
madame. get well soon. aint no fortune tellin be done if the lady is all flu-like.
you watch the rain fall out your window and wonder what it means.
what everything means,/if it means anything at all/
but i like believing/ that theres meaning,/
and good reasoning for us to keep breathing
although the breathing bit may be a bit screwed up what with all the haze and all. in retrospect, econs mcqs are FUN. dont mind me. im just trying to hype up a bit.
time to quit pretending,
so lets burn
and show 'em up
fin
- 12:37 am
from now on, please refer to me as il capitan brittanica.
this colorgenics stuff off www.paulgoldin.com is bloody amazing
Is it that you are working - or even playing - too hard? Because it would seem that you are experiencing a great deal of pent-up emotion at this time which could possibly take effect and lead to irrational behaviour.
You are feeling very vulnerable at this time. Nothing seems to be going in the right direction - business wise, private-life wise, everything. You need some emotional security and an environment which could possibly provide fewer problems, but the way you are feeling you can't be bothered even to make the effort.
You feel that you should be appreciated far more than you are but no-one seems to care! You feel that you are receiving less than your share and the main problem is that there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. The inner stress that you are experiencing makes you quick to take offence but you realise that at this particular moment in time there is little that you can do to relieve the situation.
You are very restless and inclined to be depressed - and try as you may you feel that you are unable to control the situation in which you now find yourself. You refuse point blank to relinquish control of your feelings and to place yourself in other people's hands. It would appear that there is a condition or a relationship on the horizon which you feel could cause you further unwarranted aggravation and stress. This is the last thing you need at this time. There must be more to life than the present situation. You are not quite sure what you are looking for and so you tend to be impatient and irritable until what you seek presents itself to you. You need to get away from this unsatisfactory state of mind, especially now, as you find that your powers of concentration are suffering.
There is that inherent fear that you may be prevented from attaining the better things in life - those things that you consider essential to your well-being. So you are prepared to try everything to prove to yourself that whatever you do or try will go wrong. This destructive attitude could come under the heading of 'a self fulfilling prophesy'. This belittling yourself is your method of disguising how hopeless and what a waste of time you feel that everything is. So now turn it about. As you 'think', so you are... So 'imagine' yourself successful. 'Pretend', 'act it out' and you may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.
fin
Sunday, October 15, 2006
- 8:42 pm
no matter how far we've come
i cant wait to see tomorrow
fin
Friday, October 13, 2006
- 8:07 pm
nihilist
n 1: someone who rejects all theories of morality or religious belief 2: an advocate of anarchist 3: one who scorns authority and tradition and believes in reason, materialism, and radical change in society and government
and so there is nothing but beauty in the world; beauty in a flower, in a touch, in love and in the spirit when looked for properly. beauty in you. find it. keep it. hold it, treasure it, live it. i think you're beautiful. is it strange?
the silence is a strange thing. it reaches out and grabs you with stuffy tentacles of speechlessness and provokes akwardness, or it caresses the ailing mind. the sound of nothing is silence; and we have all live a little silently before our spark jumps out of the flame. then we hiss and flare and make ourselves heard (or so we try to), but are extinguished just like that. maybe if enough of us jumped we'd be heard, a fizzle to become a roar of sound which cannot be ignored, maybe unleash our recherche of a menagerie of thoughts ideas and opinions to be promulgated worldwide. there is nowhere you can go where you will not hear our voice- unless of course, you dont want to. they might initially believe your objections hold weight but theyll all eventually realise that they are just petty meretrious convictions. stop us? shove your rosicrucian ideals aside; you cannot. we are the voice of tomorrow; and silence will only be on our terms.
im sure we'd do fine
in what came after see
for love is a strange thing
its only known for a feeling
and love is the strange thing
too often leaves us reeling
good morning starshine
in the nights silence
fin
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
- 11:45 pm
farewell assembly today. vishal dropped a banner we meant to steal on somebodys head. smart chap.
goodbye raffles
and the memory of old clocktowers,
my first, best and saddest love,
my stage, my dreams, my ambitions,
my friends, my mind,
my life.
its not really goodbye but something of an official send off.
im burning out too soon. quit flaring kid.
the gym is the best place to release stress and frustration. played a bit of soccer with dipak and hit the gym with narpal. discussed mission impossible with bhavan. it might be. we'll see what happens post a levels. right now, thats so far away. she might still be around. i dont know. wait and see.
tired.
wait and see,
wait and see.
bir kadir cizeceksin
fin
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
- 10:26 pm
the number one of the number ones forces breaks
which is irritating because it means nothing else works
you know i woke up at 3am last night shouting and clutching my arm claiming that somoene was holding on to it; turns out i was grabbing my right arm so hard my nails have cut two parallel gashes into it just below my elbow. and then when i woke up the next day i put a donut into the micro to heat it up for two minutes and went for a bath. when i came out the house was full of smoke! as it turns out the bloody thing burned so i had to bring the fan about and blow the stuff away cos when i opened the window the haze just poured in making for a very unhealthy room.
theres whiskey in the jar
and water places all over the world
2ao1d. the most happening class in RJC since 2005
(and especially after the green shit revelations)
goodbye harriet.
fin
- 1:31 pm
love is only a feeling
theres so much confusion in the air,
with a smattering of haze and choking winds blow
along and away.
fin
Sunday, October 08, 2006
- 7:28 pm
some idiot is parading around with "You have thought me how to love" as their msn nick.
nihilist // amerika says:
and obviously someone needs to teach you how to spell too huh
fin
Friday, October 06, 2006
- 9:41 pm
return of the kings
no pop no style
im strictly roots
just lookin at the past
www.breakmeupinside.blogspot.com
i forgot its all so far away
fin
Thursday, October 05, 2006
- 10:31 pm
sometimes we think
we know what we know
when we really dont know
if we feel what we feel
or if its even real
do you wonder?
i do. lots.
The sky is crying,
Look at the tears rolling down the streets.
I looked out my window,
The rain was falling down in sheets.
back to 221B baker street.
fin
- 9:09 pm
james is back
fin
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
- 10:11 pm
my big brother is back
ive missed him for ages
but he's finally back
and ill meet him tomorrow
james is back
ive never been so happy
and ive never missed anybody so much
i have a family again because my big brother has finally come back
fin
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
- 9:06 pm
to burst off the tarmac
without burning a wing
to lie in the meadows
to hear the grass sing?
have you read lee kuan yews 'apology' to badawi in todays straits times? its brilliant for its subtle undertones- the man is as sharp as ever.
i found this blues radio station and now its the only thing playing. if only they had an irish folk station too! or cuban jazz. i love cuban jazz. and chocolate. dont ask me, but i know that somehow theyre intrinsically related.
CCB.
no, im not cussin- these're my grades which are pretty much the most decent ive ever had. my only disappointments are GP; i got a 3 for it because of the stupid essay i wrote when i was lookin for a 1; gettin a B for lit when i coulda hit an A and missing out on Bs for econs and history because i screwed up one question. ONE. fuck the ABB was so frustratingly tantalisingly close but the good news is that now i get the chance to hit that for the a levels. not so stupid anymore huh?! gee golly gawsh i always noo i was a clever'un. hyuk hyuk.
im still very tired and irritated but todays fishing in the drain with dipak threw that off for a bit. its real fun doing the stuff you did as a kid again cos we caught lots of guppies with our nets and bucket and then threw them back into the water. sadly we dint catch that bastard championship male that kept hiding in the weeds, but ill be back. wait and see. i shall name you Hot Chamale and ill take you soon enough. arr. man the deck mateys, theres a storm coming, and the dancing dolphin needs ter sail.
ill be seein ya around then.
fin
- 12:55 am
when you believe in things
that you dont understand
im very irritated because the a levels are drawing closer
though i did pretty decently on the prelims
in six weeks i should be done (i think)
and then we shall see
what we shall see
what would you think if you figured out that nothings changed?
what would you do if this was the end of the world?
please dont disappear over the horizon
im still trying to meet you
but im stuck in rio de janeiro
fin
hit the stars
