amour amour

Monday, March 13, 2006

- 2:41 pm

revisitations
back to reality

lets all sit about in our big circe and ponder the various complexities of our sad short lives, those weirdly mystical strands of unreality which slither right into our minds and twine themselves around our deepest beliefs, ultimately disappointing us when the obvious result is an illusion. when all your dreams are vague memories and unfunny jokes to be played out in sad fashion in due course. oh what the hell. enjoy.

for them malaysians

Malaysians across the nation declared Tuesday that, after 36 years of trying to prove to Singapore that Malaysia is a worthwhile and relevant country deserving of the Asian nation's respect, they are officially giving up.
"When Singapore was only a couple of decades old, and Malaysia had been around for centuries, it was understandable that they looked down on us," said Sean Ahmad, a father of two from Ahmad Ibrahim Secondary School. "But now, we've both been around for some time. We're both ASEAN leaders. It just looks like we overtook them."
"Yes, their Malaysia Boleh thingy is cool, and yes, they have Mat Rock and Cheesedale Cheese, but well, they don't have to act so high and mighty," Hulin said. "Every time they talk, it's like they think they're better than us. Do they think we don't notice that look on their simian faces?"
According to surveys, Malaysians are not looking for special treatment from Singaporeans, only a little bit of acknowledgement once in a while.
"All we want is one little nod of affirmation, a pat on the back, a 'good job' for some of the things we've done as a country," said Hazmi Hisyam, a customer-service agent for bondage item shop in KL. "Really, all it would take is a quick 'Thanks for inventing the first air pump bed with leather straps. Keep it up.' That's it. But no, nothing."
"I've admired the Singaporeans ever since I saw Lee Suan Chew crying on TV as a kid," Hazmi added, blushing slightly. "Do they have any idea how bad they make us feel when they disregard us like this?"
Man Yun, an asylum escapee from Pontianak, said she was frustrated by Singapores dismissal of the dying malaysian cultural tradition of selling illegal VCDS.
"The Singaporeans are always acting like we're so base," Man Yun said. "Well, maybe we do go in for the porn and illegal tapings a bit more than some other countries, but all around the world there are people who really love our movies and VCDs. Just because we do things a little differently, that doesn't mean it's wrong."
Added Man Yun: "In fact, I'd be willing to wager that, if we chose our five best porn VCDs from the past year and Singapore chose theirs, and we asked an impartial country”let's say, Bangladesh (who by the way are currently having Bangladesh idol, which why you see all the cleaners singing into their brooms and mops) they'd like our movies better, despite having their own "midnight masala". That'd knock Singapore off her merlion."
Liyana, an old hag from JB said Singapore assumes Malaysia is stupid.
"We is having a lot a lot of dem fame-ass peepal in our caantry," Liyana said. "Malaysia Boleh! Not that Singapore would ever notice."
Despite the two countries' decades of close political and economic alliances, many Singaporeans said their counterparts in Malaysia should learn to appreciate what we do.
"We've cured lots of diseases and invented a bunch of vital technologies," said Azizul of Sopritown, Negeri Sembilan. "And I hate to bring this up, because they'll just call me a warmongering meathead or something, but we're breaking our backs to bring malaysia boleh culture to the whole demm world. Singapore fights side-by-side with us, and we give them so much water and yet they still treat us like they're deigning to form an alliance with us. Ask the rest of the world; you'll find a whole lot of nations who would want to be our friends. No, not everyone. But a lot of countries."
Arumugam, a transvestite roadsweeper, described his mood as one "more of resignation than exasperation."
"We tried so hard to catch your eye with our advances in Internet development, our soccer team, and our sarawak dance," Arumugam said. "But you guys just keep acting like we're not a civilized country because we drink kopi-o instead of teh tarik and our cops are corrupt. That really stings."
Added Arumugam: "Just because we don't have a PAP, it doesn't mean we don't have any culture."
Many Malaysians expressed great relief at the declaration, saying it freed them from their personal struggles to defend Malaysias legitimacy.
"I can focus on doing my own thing now, and I can finally stop worrying about whether or not the Singaporeans are going to like my work," said Daniel, a pornstar and model for Playgirl magazine. "From now on, I'm working for me and my colleagues, and if Singapore doesn't like it, it's their loss. Of course, it'd be nice if, when they see what I'm doing, they're impressed, but I'm not holding my breath anymore."

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for them disgruntled teenagers

A groundbreaking study released Monday by the Ministry of Health, conducted in conjunction with the Ministry of Entertainment, finds that repeated exposure to glue fumes and other industrial chemicals "may prove to be our most effective weapon yet in the fight against teen boredom."

Though ABS (Adolescent Boredom Syndrome), a debilitating condition that afflicts an estimated 90 percent of students between the ages of 12 and 16, has long been regarded by the medical community as incurable, the study reported that "significant reductions in teen-boredom levels" were observed in youths who regularly self-administered concentrated doses of UHU glue and other solvents.

"It's a tremendous breakthrough," said Dr. Edmond, the report's co-author. "This could be the most significant development since the 1988 discovery that chewing bread for long hours can get you really high."

Glue fumes, which can cause light-headedness, dizziness, incoherence and involuntary loss of muscle control, have for years been dismissed by model-airplane hobbyists as an unpleasant side-effect of working in poorly ventilated areas. However, the Ministry of Entertainment study found that such fumes, when used as part of a regular fume-inhalation regimen, can have a powerful psychoactive effect, easing the painful boredom of Rafflesian life for millions of teens with nothing better to do.

"I hate school, I hate homework, I hate my stupid face, and everything on TV sucks, so what's left?" asked 18-year-old Stally Baby, one of 1,700 ABS sufferers who participated in the study. "Me and my friends used to get so bored, we'd walk down to the staff room and just shit around."

"Talk about your thrilling excursions," added Stally, displaying the telltale "sarcasm" side-effect long associated with ABS. "But now that we've discovered glue-sniffing, all that's changed. We figure, there's nothing to do in this stupid country anyway, so why not drink in the fumes from a paper sack until we pass out in class during maths? It's not like anybody gives a crap one way or the other. All they care about are our stupid assignments ."

Adolescent boredom, the leading cause of surliness in teenage males and the third most common cause of unwanted pregnancy in females under the age of 16, has baffled doctors for years. As recently as 1922, medical researchers almost universally regarded the condition as incurable. Yet, according to the new report, even a small quantity of glue, when inhaled, can alleviate many of the most debilitating effects of adolescent boredom, including awareness of the passage of time, and consciousness.

"The glue worked great - I hadn't felt so little boredom in years, mainly because I wasn't aware of my surroundings, peers or self," said study participant Darius Lee, 18. "The only downside was, when I woke up behind the RJ dumpster, like a couple hours later or something, I had this splitting headache. Oh, and somebody stole my pants. But other than that, it was ripper."

Though the report has sent shockwaves through the medical community, its findings come as no surprise to the millions of Singaporeans who for years have been employing fume-based boredom-alleviation techniques as a sort of "home remedy" cure. Such longtime proponents agree that it's about time the medical establishment finally caught on.

"All the kids want to sniff some glue," said Bhavan, a leading glue-sniffing advocate since the mid-'70s. "Why? Because they want to have something to do. And its kinda nifty considering I got nothing else to fit in my school bag."

While Bhavan praised the study as "a step in the right direction," he stressed that it does not go far enough.

"After more than two decades of self-administering glue fumes, not to mention aerosol sprays, paint, smoke, tar, acetonates and various rounds of drinks, I know from experience that glue-sniffing is an effective tool in the fight against adolescent boredom, as well as many other kinds of boredom," Bhavan said, "including, for example, post-adolescent, early-20s, mid-20s, post-mid-20s, pre-mid-30s, mid-30s, late-30s, middle-age, and late-middle-age boredom."

Despite such praise, the treatment is not without its detractors.

"My science teacher said it's destroying my higher brain functions, and that someday I could get permanent brain damage if I didn't stop," said ABS sufferer James Muruthi, who was recently prescribed 12 fluid ounces of Glu-Tek model-airplane glue by his family physician. "But I just told him, 'Oh yeah, Mr. *******? Well, listening to you talk about stupid stamen and shit all day long would give anybody permanent brain damage, so there.'"

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for them fairy princesses

"Just two generations ago, nearly every girl in RJC aspired to be a fairy princess when she grew up," Hullett House actress Sarah said. "Today, a majority of little girls will tell you they dream of entering the professional ranks and becoming doctors, lawyers, scientists and architects. The effect this has had on the field of fairy princessing has been nothing short of devastating."

The Starts With Goodbye (SWG) study found that there are fewer than 500 registered fairy princesses in RJC, down from 1790 in 1989.

The report has sparked deep concern among members of the fairy-princess community, who fear that future generations will not carry on their trade.

"Today's little girls want to perform icky surgery or go to court and argue before mean old Mr. Judge," said Princess Snadya Flowershower, butterfly-winged ruler of the Kingdom of Raakton. "In 10 years, who will there be to pick talking daisies in the enchanted meadow or ride in the clouds on the magic flying mole Waiks Mckit?"

"I am too dainty and pretty to represent clients in protracted civil suits in federal court," said Princess Dheesha Sunglow, who lives in the Kingdom of Z'Kardia. "Why would any girl want to do that when she could live in Cumulus Castle and enjoy a sunbeam bath from her best friend Mr. Sun? Anybody with anthing else to say can just Z'fuckoff."

In an attempt to generate interest in fairy princessing among young girls, the Raffles Association of Fairy Princesses is launching an aggressive $55 promotional campaign. The publicity blitz will include billboards, posters, and TV and radio spots, as well as recruitment tables at the Raffles Trail.

"We realize that this is not the sort of problem we can wave a magic wand at and make disappear," Princess Bhavan Rainbow Sprinkle said. "Believe me, we've tried. The fact is, we've been fighting some deeply rooted misconceptions. For example, a lot of little girls think that all fairy princesses wear pink daisy petals for clothes. The reality is, many of us wear little gowns of silk, with tiaras made of beads of dew."

"The fairy-princess field is an extremely varied and rewarding one," Sarah said. "As a fairy princess, you'll have the opportunity to do everything from sprinkling pixie dust on an enchanted mole glade to undoing the spell of an evil green monster and turning a stally baby back into a handsome prince. What other job can offer those kinds of satisfying challenges on a daily basis? Being a magical fairy princess is a great way for girls to really let their full potential shine through."

But despite such arguments, little girls show little interest in the once-thriving fairy-princess field.

"When I grow up, I want to be a U.N. interpreter," said 18-year-old Clare. "Fairy princesses are stupid."

"I got a Princess Prettypetals make-up kit for my birthday, and I hate it," said Janice, 18, of RJC 2D society. "Everything was pink, and it smelled like stinky perfume. I'd rather play with my Invisible Woman anatomy doll. You can actually see her entire digestive tract and circulatory system."

Fairy princessing is not the only field to fall on hard times in recent years. According to the SWG report, occupations such as swan queen, enchanted ballerina, good witch and beauty-pageant winner have all experienced sharp declines in popularity, as well.

"One thing is for certain," Princess Dheesha said. "If Singapores girls continue to ignore the fairy-princess profession, very few of us will be living happily ever after."

fin