amour amour

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

- 10:21 pm

we walk through our own personalised paper universa and revel in the dream like perfection of everything around, just to watch it burn and show us that its all one universe. so wake up and get things back in perspective. mankind always was the bastard child of mother earth and father time.

i guess its something i need to do in some aspects. im so tired of this charade, this mediocrity; these poor grades, this tiredness during rehearsals, this constant fatigue. im tired of life; i lack motivation and so perspective is important.

because suddenly i remember the things that really are important; things that need to be done. we all have these ambitions to become doctors, lawyers, engineers or whatever. problem is, i dont want to die thinking that the only mark i left on this world was victory in some landmark case; no, because in a hundred years we'll all be dead and nobody will care less. so we live for today because tomorrow is promised to no one; but at the same time i want to make a difference. i want to do the things i really want to do in my life because its my life and i only have a certain period of time to do all these things; to really look back at everything ive done and be able to leave this existence with some satisfaction. i will try to do law; but there is so much more to be done. i want to do aid work with the united nations red cross. i want to help people who need it so much more than we think they do. the means are numerous but too few people actually bother doing anything about it; they say charity starts at home but we got it pretty sweet here- its the places overseas; the ravaged african countries that need this help, or so many countries in europe, albania, estonia and the like. i want to die knowing that i helped people live. i want to die knowing that i found the time to love people. i want to live and die a part of this world and not as my own world.

i want to do wildlife photography and documentation with the national geographic channel because its something ive always wanted to do since young, because its something im passionate about. i want to go overseas, to go around the world, to live in hawaii and venice and sicily; to live in the slums of calcutta because there will be found the most beautiful of people; who push on together in the face of adversity; who dont deserve what they get; who never asked to be born into poverty. we're too materialistic. so i guess its time for change; and the changed starts with all of us. we've got a problem, a disease and the malaise is to be found within the self. we dream the monochromatic nightmare.

one vision in a multicoloured soliloquy,
the silent dream;
the endless mime,
i give you my spirit.

nightmare in monochromatics.

we look to religion for answers we are scared to look for, for guidance on matters we should have no need for.

skool politics is a load of bullshit. its about pompous puffed up sods who think theyre a law unto themselves. so we say fuck them.

i made a big decision today i guess. after this SYF production i dont think ill ever do stage drama again. ive lost all desire to carry on; lost whatever love i had for it. its probably my fault. i cannot forget what mr vaadi said; how he told me straight that my acting sucked. it broke my heart. drama has been the most beautiful thing in my life; but thats it. im done with it.

time to move on; on to new things and new people. this week will be a special one; its make or break; and im hopin itll be the former. time to start again.

time to live

all their answers unquestioned, all my questions unanswered
-break; live forever, love fornever

at the end of the day its all about the difference; so lets drink and make a toast; a toast to the future, a toast to love and a toast to the angels that were always hangin round.

removed from
civility
and returned
to memory
paperclips holding
us together
a life hung apart

it lives within
memory of
what was
and how
perfect it
was meant
to be;
but you had to go,
to try kill
me.

cold, cold crush.

fin

propheten der apokalypse

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rackin' em up since before you were born
(january 2004)