amour amour

Saturday, August 06, 2005

- 11:38 pm

saturday night

he was in a cab, as the driver stared morosely at the road ahead while he slowly dialed that number in his phone. there is a short while of waiting - hello? and he tells her - im home. they drive on for 5 more minutes, before he asks the cabby to stop, at the side of that road turning into that place. its a main road, and a number of lamps light up the sky as the red tail lights of cars flash by like a dream. he looks up, and all his stars look back down at him, but he feels nothing for them now, he only feels despair. his shoulders no longer will themselves back up, they slump, hopeless. nobody sees the tears in his eyes, dropping slowly like tiny gemstones from his beacons of light. nothing else expresses more emotion than the eyes. he wipes them away roughly, he hates tearing.

what was meant to be, was meant to be. that is the nature of human life, and change will change it not

he looks back up at the sky again, but his vision is blurred, and his chest hurts, its so weighed down. he sees the road in front of him, and far away, a traffic light creates a pinpoint of red light. he doesnt understand. he lifts one foot off the ground, hesitates, but goes on. he walks slowly, carefully till he reaches the centre of the road.

green
and the cars rush forward.
he raises his arms and stares at them coming forward, metal demons blaring their horns, not one stopping for the boy in the middle of the road, instead swerving out his way everytime. he puts his hands down, closes his eyes and walks on, on and on, until he stumbles and falls into grass. its quieter here, away from the road, away. the moon comes unblocked from the cloud and looks down at him, as he stares back up. he picks himself up, and starts to run. he runs, and runs, and runs somemore, feeling the wind, trees, leaves, thorns scratching at him. he falls, and blood drips down his arm, but he gets up and runs, until hes ten metres away from that place,walks up to the house, and walks in. his father opens the door. he doesnt want to eat, though he hasnt eaten for two days. everything was going to be so perfect...he gets up to his room, locks the door, and sinks into bed. everything leaves him, everything becomes dark, and he dreams, of what was, and what might have been, and everything that could have happened, but didnt. he dreams.

and when he wakes up, the sun is shining, brightly. the phone rings, and he takes it.

emotion - the only word i refuse to define

he puts down the phone. suddenly everything is perfect again.

even though its gonna crumble down
ill keep building till you come around
even though its gonna fall apart,
break my heart,
ill keep building till i die

its really dumb to go killing yourself without a cause when there are so many nobler causes you could die for, instead of just telling yourself lifes not worth living.

if i see another 'the girl with the broken smile' on msn, im gonna tell her to straighten up that smile you stupid little sop, or ill smack you.

so many people on msn advertising their lack of attachment, hoping that the whoever they like see their nick, and that poof! magical things happen, and they fall in love. well it dont work that way. you like someone - you tell them straight to the face, and what happens- happens. if your lucky- then thats fantastic, but if your unlucky - then you can go spend the rest of your life in manic depression or whatever. because i learnt it too, except that i made a mistake. dont let social misconceptions, or whats deemed 'right' or 'wrong' to the vast majority of society mould your decisions - you are who you are. the first six months of this year i was horridly miserable because i made a mistake, but these things happen for a reason. maybe its to meet someone else a hundred billion times better, maybe its because you two just werent made for each other, werent alike, dint see someone you could love back inside. so enough of all the 'yournameislikewateronmylips' or 'youcaughtmewhenifell' or 'the girl with the broken smile' because really- its quite stupid. how can a name be like water? its just a bloody word? sure, you might be in love with a person, and like everything about them, even their beautiful name, but why advertise it to the whole world when itd be much better to say it personally to the person? you caught me when i fell. big deal. personally i think itd been much more interesting if whoever had stepped aside and wed get to some dead soppy sod lying on the ground. now thats entertainment. but really, do away with these stupid nicknames, and if you really like someone - tell them. if it doesnt work out at first - then try harder if you think someday it might, but its best to have known the person for a number of months or weeks, or communicate regularly with them before going and asking them. you have to be prepared to deal with who they are, and if your lucky, and you see yourself in that person - its not gonna be a problem - but if your not? then i really dont see how you could be in 'love' with the person unless their really hot. and that isnt even really love, thats just bloody superficial. look at our friends whatshisname and bauzirah (name changed to protect identity). Sure,tt girl might have trouble squeezing through doors, but the fact of the matter is - nevermind. i dont really know or care, nor do i understand why im preaching to you people, who obviously are gonna go on with your own lives. its okay to be a bit sentimental sometimes, its okay to be in love with someone, its all okay, but its retarded when you like someone and dont have the guts to tell them straight to the face. relationships are a lot of fun when theyre right because dont forget - it means you got one other person you can count on 24-7 and spend time with- wholl always be there no matter what, and never think your stupid. theres lots of other stuff to it, but i dont feel like going on about it, you people figure it out for yourself.

just dont grab people and say things to them like
a flower for a flower
and yes, the guy who did say that is still single.

but everything changes after relationships begin - because you got new meaning to life - and you gonna start enjoying life a heck of a lot more, if its sincere.

i drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door

im off.

and whatever it is-

youll find your person - eventually.

fin