amour amour

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

- 7:09 pm

its strange the way everything seems to be passing by so quickly yet at the same time moving along so slowly; tomorrow i have to watch the dramafeste plays to prepare some material- and i know we're gonna hit it up real well. have to arrange the scripts with waikit and quite honestly im lookin forward to it a bit; and yet i feel uneasy.

in time i want to be your best friend,
east side love is living on the west end

what kind of world is it that we live in when governments fighting terror become the terrorists themselves? last week this chap in the subway got shot to death just because he was adjudged to have looked suspicious. the brazilian man was wearing a thick coat. ye gods! who knows what he might have been hiding underneath! is what the police mighta thought. strangely enough the thought never occurred to them that the man might have been from a warmer clime and found it bloody cold down there- id think i woulda worn a thick coat too. so there he is walking in the subway when suddenly these people (PLAIN CLOTHES policemen) start chasing him, so he runs, and then he trips, and all of a sudden five loads are released into him, killed on the spot. without thinking or anything, they just shoot the poor guy. what utter rubbish; i can only sit here feeling sad for the guy, just like that italian special agent who got shot up by the americans after saving a hostage some time earlier this year. boff.

one by one ticking time bomb fun
its not the secrets of the government thats keepin you dumb
its the other way round
hey whats that sound
one by one baby here they come

in other, lighter, news, liverpool might sign luis figo! which is brilliant seeing how hes like my favourite player (of course after my dear ronaldo) and he might be going to pool! fab stuff innit.

its hard to tell anything nowadays, seeing how people like hiding the truth of their persona beneath various layers of incompetence and stupid facades, and i dont know. i dont really care. no, im not referring to a single person, but to people in general. fucked up world we live in. i dont know what im doing half the time.

if you believe its in my soul
id say all the words that i know
just to see if it would show
that im better off on my own

and this rang true for me for so long, oh so long. but the nature of everything is to change, unless your a leopard, then im real sorry, but your stuck with spots- but dont worry! genetic engineering can help that so dont worry too long, yes us bastardish humans want to experiment on you because we're too fucked up and chicken to work on ourselves. i mean, so what if you suffer? your saving millions of lives. oh wait. i forgot.
unwillingly

i dont believe. i dont believe in anything, i never have. the only thing ive ever had faith in is my shadow, but still, exceptions are made here and there; few and far between- no, lets just say few.

ten more reasons why i need somebody new
just like you;
far more shocking than anything i ever knew
right on cue

outside its growing dark; and the previously heightened state of unease is dissipating, though reluctantly; but- GET THE FUCK OUT

cant stop the spirits when they need you

skool is long, but at least interesting, although my schedule this week has been packed. had double history with dayna chia today; and honestly she is like my favourite teacher. she rocks completely, she somehow makes completely drab and boring things palatable. dont know where my history would be without her. strangely enough, i dont think eileen ngin likes me very much, but i dont care. shes a nice lady. then there was math lec, which was boring as usual. there was this whole row asleep with the sole exception of darius (the man!), and stallone was practically making out with his math tutorial the way his face was like all over it.

he wants it easy,
he wants it relaxed,
said i can do a lotta things
but i cant do that
hey one by one
say whats that sound

then i have to cancel lunch with priyanka tomorrow because i have to formulate scripts and stuff with waikit and things of the sort. i dont know where my drama is going right now; i just know im not as reliant on it as a support as before- things have changed beppe. ramyas back in singapore, and i intend to see her soon anyways.

1-9-6-3 whats that sound?

just so tired for everything; because at the end of the day its all so pointless, everything. nothing has much meaning or value, and no, dont be swayed by the stupid soppy arguments anyone might have to make against this- we're all tricking ourselves. all you really have in this world are the people you share your life with; and they need to be valued more than any stupid materialistic shit most people are too concerned to look up and think about.

words are found
too close to the edge
- and thisll turn into something else,
something else

and when it does
ill be somewhere else,
somewhere else

close your eyes and fall, rush through everything you've ever been through; revel in the warm soak of emotions felt and then let them all out. do whatever you must; throw a silent scream, or look inwards and examine your soul; that force that is your mind, and use it. theres no point being someone you arent; and im sick of the way im lah-ing away, it sickens me so. fuck off. fuck off

you want commitment
put on your best suit
and get your arms around me now im going down down
down

you know its in you. somewhere. and then, i know. i understand. there is a higher being; there is a god no matter what anyone might say- no hes not any of our fickle creations, not jesus, allah or krishna, but one. someone made the blank space that is the universe; and rather than fight, kill and worship our false idols, humanity should embrace a single united form and love all. fuck i hope im not sounding too communist. lead your own life- but understand, look deeply into it- the bible, quran and bhagavad were written by men, although the yellow pages was written by one hock lee and associates. but then again the word is should. if only we could live together in peace and love and everything; just like lennon said; but we cant. humanity is just that way. some of humanity.

this life is more than just a read through

a huge wave of emotions, of amour and depression, silent disquietude and unease, fury, warm and all encompassant. relish your emotions, cherish them and understand them. things are changing; and im going back to everything. i remember this time i wrote straight out from somewhere i dont know; i never think while writing these things, but this was just from somewhere.

what sort of man am i? i dont know, nor do i care, because knowing what kind of person i am isnt really gonna change how i live or anything. i like doing things wild, im usually reckless and carefree, but some things - mostly involving other peoples comfort zones, etc, i take care. friends are very impt- so i pick them carefully and develop only certain friendships. i throw every part of me into a
relationship, im not the aloof sort. i dont go looking for relationships except with very exceptional people, who i havent met till recently, and i realised it wasnt gonna ever work out the way i woulda wanted it to; but things changed, and maybe they are. i dont know. dont give a fuck. i dont like being part of a crowd, id rather stand on with a few close people, rather than an army of fair weather friends, i crave the stage,for the freedom, but am not particularly
enamoured by the attention it brings, and care nothing much for popularity, and believe in being true to myself no matter what. i can manipulate emotion quite easily when i want to, and i play with emotions a lot, because theyre my life, and mine are mine. my mind is my life, my act is my life, i do things however i want, and honestly couldnt care less for what anybody else would think of me for it.
i love my dog with all my heart, and trust people too much i think, although so far that trust has been requisited (thank you hulin/thenuga). i never forgave anyone who ever betrayed me,and dislike violence unless provoked, i support the weaker person in any fight because i love the challenge, i like adrenaline rushes and surges from reckless behaviour and deeds, and im glad for being me although people might hate me or love me or anything- im me

and i dont care

i say dont you know
you say you dont know
i say
take me out

its true you know. nothing gold can stay.

fin