- 9:26 pm

like a sleeping beast, it wakes to the dawn of realisation and casts away all doubts, that it is, that it has returned.

reise reise

its been a great weekend as weekends go. on friday and saturday i met up with waikit to emcee for dramafeste; and it was da bomb. we got framework for our material, waikit meticulous in his preparation while i slacked about telling him to 'chill' and 'go with the flow'. we ended up preparing a bit while the various houses performed, and a lot of stuff on the spot.

"i know its hard. i know you're afraid you might end up doing the wrong thing. but you must be a man, and do the right thing"

"when we grow old, together,
i hope i do
the polite thing
and then throw myself,
right off a building,
i dont want to grow old with you" (while pointing at waikit)

paul lim and mrs ng were such sports taking all our jokes (haha yes i invited mrs ng in) and to top it all off, mr lim was wearing a shirt with "preciousssss" all over it. precious. absolutely precious. anyways ended up having a bloody good time, and although buckley ended up winning it was no big deal- cos like ive said so many times, nobody really gives a shit about the prizes, its all about drama and having fun. you'll eventually have to return the trophy anyways.

but more on things later- we won today, 5-3 (haha yes i scored three goals for us) but little britain is starting now, so ciao

stein um stein

stone by stone baby
stone by stone

- 7:09 pm

its strange the way everything seems to be passing by so quickly yet at the same time moving along so slowly; tomorrow i have to watch the dramafeste plays to prepare some material- and i know we're gonna hit it up real well. have to arrange the scripts with waikit and quite honestly im lookin forward to it a bit; and yet i feel uneasy.

in time i want to be your best friend,
east side love is living on the west end

what kind of world is it that we live in when governments fighting terror become the terrorists themselves? last week this chap in the subway got shot to death just because he was adjudged to have looked suspicious. the brazilian man was wearing a thick coat. ye gods! who knows what he might have been hiding underneath! is what the police mighta thought. strangely enough the thought never occurred to them that the man might have been from a warmer clime and found it bloody cold down there- id think i woulda worn a thick coat too. so there he is walking in the subway when suddenly these people (PLAIN CLOTHES policemen) start chasing him, so he runs, and then he trips, and all of a sudden five loads are released into him, killed on the spot. without thinking or anything, they just shoot the poor guy. what utter rubbish; i can only sit here feeling sad for the guy, just like that italian special agent who got shot up by the americans after saving a hostage some time earlier this year. boff.

one by one ticking time bomb fun
its not the secrets of the government thats keepin you dumb
its the other way round
hey whats that sound
one by one baby here they come


in other, lighter, news, liverpool might sign luis figo! which is brilliant seeing how hes like my favourite player (of course after my dear ronaldo) and he might be going to pool! fab stuff innit.

its hard to tell anything nowadays, seeing how people like hiding the truth of their persona beneath various layers of incompetence and stupid facades, and i dont know. i dont really care. no, im not referring to a single person, but to people in general. fucked up world we live in. i dont know what im doing half the time.

if you believe its in my soul
id say all the words that i know
just to see if it would show
that im better off on my own

and this rang true for me for so long, oh so long. but the nature of everything is to change, unless your a leopard, then im real sorry, but your stuck with spots- but dont worry! genetic engineering can help that so dont worry too long, yes us bastardish humans want to experiment on you because we're too fucked up and chicken to work on ourselves. i mean, so what if you suffer? your saving millions of lives. oh wait. i forgot.
unwillingly

i dont believe. i dont believe in anything, i never have. the only thing ive ever had faith in is my shadow, but still, exceptions are made here and there; few and far between- no, lets just say few.

ten more reasons why i need somebody new
just like you;
far more shocking than anything i ever knew
right on cue

outside its growing dark; and the previously heightened state of unease is dissipating, though reluctantly; but- GET THE FUCK OUT

cant stop the spirits when they need you

skool is long, but at least interesting, although my schedule this week has been packed. had double history with dayna chia today; and honestly she is like my favourite teacher. she rocks completely, she somehow makes completely drab and boring things palatable. dont know where my history would be without her. strangely enough, i dont think eileen ngin likes me very much, but i dont care. shes a nice lady. then there was math lec, which was boring as usual. there was this whole row asleep with the sole exception of darius (the man!), and stallone was practically making out with his math tutorial the way his face was like all over it.

he wants it easy,
he wants it relaxed,
said i can do a lotta things
but i cant do that
hey one by one
say whats that sound

then i have to cancel lunch with priyanka tomorrow because i have to formulate scripts and stuff with waikit and things of the sort. i dont know where my drama is going right now; i just know im not as reliant on it as a support as before- things have changed beppe. ramyas back in singapore, and i intend to see her soon anyways.

1-9-6-3 whats that sound?

just so tired for everything; because at the end of the day its all so pointless, everything. nothing has much meaning or value, and no, dont be swayed by the stupid soppy arguments anyone might have to make against this- we're all tricking ourselves. all you really have in this world are the people you share your life with; and they need to be valued more than any stupid materialistic shit most people are too concerned to look up and think about.

words are found
too close to the edge
- and thisll turn into something else,
something else

and when it does
ill be somewhere else,
somewhere else

close your eyes and fall, rush through everything you've ever been through; revel in the warm soak of emotions felt and then let them all out. do whatever you must; throw a silent scream, or look inwards and examine your soul; that force that is your mind, and use it. theres no point being someone you arent; and im sick of the way im lah-ing away, it sickens me so. fuck off. fuck off

you want commitment
put on your best suit
and get your arms around me now im going down down
down

you know its in you. somewhere. and then, i know. i understand. there is a higher being; there is a god no matter what anyone might say- no hes not any of our fickle creations, not jesus, allah or krishna, but one. someone made the blank space that is the universe; and rather than fight, kill and worship our false idols, humanity should embrace a single united form and love all. fuck i hope im not sounding too communist. lead your own life- but understand, look deeply into it- the bible, quran and bhagavad were written by men, although the yellow pages was written by one hock lee and associates. but then again the word is should. if only we could live together in peace and love and everything; just like lennon said; but we cant. humanity is just that way. some of humanity.

this life is more than just a read through

a huge wave of emotions, of amour and depression, silent disquietude and unease, fury, warm and all encompassant. relish your emotions, cherish them and understand them. things are changing; and im going back to everything. i remember this time i wrote straight out from somewhere i dont know; i never think while writing these things, but this was just from somewhere.

what sort of man am i? i dont know, nor do i care, because knowing what kind of person i am isnt really gonna change how i live or anything. i like doing things wild, im usually reckless and carefree, but some things - mostly involving other peoples comfort zones, etc, i take care. friends are very impt- so i pick them carefully and develop only certain friendships. i throw every part of me into a
relationship, im not the aloof sort. i dont go looking for relationships except with very exceptional people, who i havent met till recently, and i realised it wasnt gonna ever work out the way i woulda wanted it to; but things changed, and maybe they are. i dont know. dont give a fuck. i dont like being part of a crowd, id rather stand on with a few close people, rather than an army of fair weather friends, i crave the stage,for the freedom, but am not particularly
enamoured by the attention it brings, and care nothing much for popularity, and believe in being true to myself no matter what. i can manipulate emotion quite easily when i want to, and i play with emotions a lot, because theyre my life, and mine are mine. my mind is my life, my act is my life, i do things however i want, and honestly couldnt care less for what anybody else would think of me for it.
i love my dog with all my heart, and trust people too much i think, although so far that trust has been requisited (thank you hulin/thenuga). i never forgave anyone who ever betrayed me,and dislike violence unless provoked, i support the weaker person in any fight because i love the challenge, i like adrenaline rushes and surges from reckless behaviour and deeds, and im glad for being me although people might hate me or love me or anything- im me

and i dont care

i say dont you know
you say you dont know
i say
take me out

its true you know. nothing gold can stay.

fin

- 3:44 pm

that leave long cuts down the front of your arms as you feel your blood just flow quietly, softly out of long streaks of emptiness; before realising your looking up at the sky and you dont know what your doing.

oddly enough its been raining with some frequency the past three days, sapping the days of energy but at the same time placing a certain sense of cosiness on the nights.

and it here once again that i stop, stymied; wondering about everything

- 5:20 am

yesterday was more than a day; it marked an entrance, and a renewal. of self, of life and of spirit. i dont know; im just glad it happened for the change it is set to bring, and for everything.

july 22nd, friday, at 645 we left, at 730 we were; and at 930 we closed our eyes

yesterday was the longest friday of my life; so many things on my mind, so many thoughts and questions, a soliloquy in black and white. we went down to harbour point; and you looked unhappy. your eyes were flashing in the train, as lights fleeted by, emulating the very same train of thoughts in my mind.

no second guessin; better be ready for confession

we walked up to pastamania; you had the chicken baked lasagna thing, i had that thing with penne. and finally we started talking; in the uneasy tension; the world around eerily silent. not understanding the words; yet completely comprehensive of the situation. and then down by the sea...and gave me exactly what i was looking for; and now. it is a secret to be kept for some time; and we will unveil ourselves in time to come; just not now.

the way you smile, how you like sun zara and main yahaan hoon; your big bright eyes and long silky hair; everything; and i will not press further.

i know i havent written properly for a while; still as things improve inspiration slowly returns; and the need to write is imbued in my self once again. in any case im pretty saddened about my GP results- i got 72.5%; missing an A1 by only 2%; marks falling far beyond expectation, although the same cannot be said for my other subjects; which i rather consolatorarily passed; with the exception of math; having an FEE- all i miss now is my literature grade.

two days ago it was racial harmony day; and i ended up wearing this blue kurta i hadnt touched for ages with a pair of jeans. in typical fashion, i of course tore it although the circumstances under which this procedure took place were rather lamentable. damn. what am i saying. hold on a sec while i slap some sense into my head.

NOW! like i was saying, i was sitting down with my hand on the back of the kurta and was standing up to go to skool when suddenly there was this loud rip much akin to the famous BRRRRRRRRRAAAAH! so often emitted by bhangra men; and my alter ego KIRPAL also known as bhangra man. fine, i admit it.

I AM KIRPAL
of www.xanga.com/kirpal fame.

anyways then i went on and ended up walking around with an ACJC badge pinned to my ear until i realised i had to walk up on stage and had to end up going up pretending to be really embarrassed with my hand on my ear. what the hell man haha such a stupid thing to do, then i came down, trying on various songkoks and finally a turban.

WARNING: NO. I DO NOT FIND TRAIPSING DOWN ORCHARD ROAD WITH SAREE CLAD PEOPLE AMUSING TO SAY THE LEAST. not unless that saree clad person happens to be gorgeous and wearing a dazzling white saree.

so many questions raised about the first and last that never were; and finally ive reached all that i need to- and reach fulfillment.

such is the nature of this life; that many things will be thrown in front of you; in a concerted effort to throw you off balance; to prevent you from really getting where you need to get- still slowly im getting there; and yesterday i was back to how i needed to be.

i dont care; look outside; its dark like its going to rain- look inside and its all so different; bathed in the warm glow of everything right now; like the fine line between silence and spring

im on the outside; and im looking in

the dark clouds depress me; and still,

i forget how to write, with the reminder in my mind that
things are never as bad as they seem; because usually they dont really matter-

and that there is a true state for amour

me and my gemini differential. we been served well.
and till then; we will deny you the true name of sonia;
and then some more.

- 8:01 pm

i dont know. everything is so tiring, so pointless, so draining. and i dont know why i do what i do, just that every morning im that little bit closer to not waking up, and then im confused again, and i dont know.

you've only spent a second of your life
my world is unaffected, there is an exit here
i say it is and then it's true,
there is a dream inside a dream,
i'm wide awake the more I sleep
you'll understand when I'm dead
i went to god just to see, and I was looking at me
saw heaven and hell were lies
when I'm god everyone dies
can you feel my power?
shoot here and the world gets smaller
can you feel my power?
one shot and the world gets smaller
let's jump upon the sharp swords
and cut away our smiles
without the threat of death
there's no reason to live at all

if we examine the nature of life we find that it is full of inconsistencies and undefinable complexities that go against the very order of things. chaos theory, browns law, rules laid down by mankind as guidelines to go by in order to lead our lives in monotonous yet steady manners. we are crushed by the demands of the masses to conform, to become one of them, to slowly watch our own creative spark die out to become the logical yet boring mind of one who wants their life planned out without very many surprises. it is sad to think that this miracle of life, the intangible strands of human genius that lie about in that vast expanse known as the mind are all meaningless in a society that cares only for its progress as a whole, and not the progress of the individual. in a society where you are like no other, in a society where your constantly under pressure to conform to the wants of the people, when the simple truth is that you are the people, and the propagandist machinations of the caretakers lead us to believe that it is to our own good, to achieve prosperity, to make money, but ultimately leading to the decline and downfall of the human race. look at pollution. look at mass extinction. look at the world. look at us. it is a sad place without love, beauty, joy and friendship. but were going to change that.

i need chocolate.

thank you soni; i still have your kinder bueno :)

- 9:41 pm

and trying to recreate
images life gives us from the past
and sometimes its a sad song
but i cannot forget, refuse to regret
so glad I met you and
take my breath away
make everyday
with all of the pain that I`ve gone through
and mama, I`ve been cryin
cause things ain`t how they used to be

tum meri zindagi ho...meri jaan..meri soni

two simple words; and how theyve changed everything

tomorrow is another day; and im waiting for it to arrive with impatience- a lot of it, and only we know why.

depression

sweeps over like a great wave smashed to pieces on itself by the beach and then crawls up slowly on the sand like a hand moving, groping slowly up and up and then as if deciding to quit its already halfhearted attempt, retracts the tendrils of water that have over zealously spread forward and return to wholeness back in its vast expanse of unending emotion. youd love to have complete control over emotion; maybe of over riding facades;
yet basal control will always evade you

and you get torn to pieces by the suppressed waves

sweet sin; kiss me

to go chasing shadows
over blackened meadows
and so living to learn
nothing worse than to yearn
to find emptiness in despair
and then refusal to share
emotion so brief
was ever a spark
but not a reprieve
soon shut by the dark

so falls the leaf
dead from the tree
crisp; wrought with grief
sail over the sea
the greatest sailor was i
yearning becomes my helmsman
to sail to the sky
like no other can
and rest in his lap
awash in the light
fell out of the trap
of lack of true sight
to learn to believe
and forget how to grieve
with his almighty grace
angels winged with lace

guide me to shore
unvisited before
and to me
one and all
come as i call
come as i call
to watch as i fall
come as i call
come as i call
and break down the wall
come as i call
come as i call
so death brings its pall
yet i heed not its call
still do i live
by mine own light
the soul of my heart
doth shineth out bright
and then i recall
i was but my own
no minion no thrall
now come as i call

to arms against charms
the devil he sets
and away to the path
you cast your own nets
go back to the sea
you sail evermore
the tears on your face
your feet are still sore

the wind of autumn
blows leaf by leaf
takes them away
reminders of grief
you stand by the lantern
darkness in your chest
soon to learn
the words at your behest
you are to be gone
lost forevermore
and then im alone
to sail not to soar
she asks for one last kiss;
the wind in his ear,
the very last kiss
the very last year
the last leaf in the tree
standing out tall
whispers to me
come as i call
come as i call
come as i call
the last kiss;
he does not remember it anymore.
come as i call
come as i call
thorns were his crown;
yet we all fall down
forgive me early;
he loves you dearly

nobody like his beautiful soni.

and then i meet you; and its all fine again


meri soni

- 8:07 pm

and yet today was too vivid to be a dream, too real. reliving every detail, of how time flew by, too fast to hold, even momentarily, memories, fleeting in and out of existence. seeing what i saw, and feeling what i felt and remembering everything- every detail, every line, every lash. and then sehnsucht.

longing

when things were simpler and lacked their undertones and various forms of innuendo, to when everything was as it was and left nothing to question. and then having it all come back- with sureness of step and resolve, to go into detail, brilliance unchained and thrown into form; radiant, luxuriant, beautiful.

not through lackadaisical whim, but through emotion, strong and pure, and to a higher calling. i found her; i found her high in the sky, my star, and i will dance about her as is to her desire and take care of her because she is a star- my only star, forever and never; and i have found her.

looking back at out at the black night through which a path i did cleave to return to dwelling, realising how strange it is to be away after time, and taking time to keep itself fresh in thought, the gentle scent of skin, long hair, and a softness about the eyes hard to find among the masses- such is its rarity; and to an extent, purity.

i dream of red and green and gold
of colours free and manifold
yet that none of it could ever hold
as much beauty as been told

i dream of green and gold and blue
colours of every strength, shine and hue
still none of that is as true
as simply put; a part of you

that i would keep
every part and all
rise from your sleep
and come as i call

umi to makhe bhallo bashe

die liebe ist ein wildes tier, und ich ist der will

anyways its a shock to the system; sudden change and suddenly everything is coming back into perspective. today was a brilliant day; made so by certain variables, irrefutably so. we will see how fast things change; but do as you please, and refuse the pleas. i never knew how it was and soon it will change, if i am lucky, and yet the hours spent today just sitting down were the most meaningful ive ever had in my life, and for that..i dont know. i think i expressed it all before i left; and im glad things are working out the way they are.

du bist mein engel, und ich liebe du

you are my deliverance, because everything else is nothing,
and my blood brother has lung cancer

- 1:52 pm

id seen id touched id tasted and id truly believed

it looks terribly hot outside but soon ill be out with friends and then later on to cheekys for whatever stupid reason. maybe for the heck of it. i havent written for quite some time due to the exact lack of that,
but what the heck. lets just carry on like how it was before it was. was. was was was was was was. what a strange word.

anyways so many things have been happening- like how mr bhavan and mr james starred in the floorball team to bring us up as 1st among the JCs, or how im emceeing the dramafeste thats soon to arrive. on attending the MGS drama night on a stupid whim (or maybe because its not that far from town) and talking to people. a lot of them with various things going on in life, problems, etc. whatever happened to my last relationship anyway? oh yeah, killed it to be a swingin single again- and a thousand other things. sometimes i guess its good to be single- so many things off your back and such- but not for too long. everybody needs that emotional fulfilment- so im gonna mix things up in a bit.

and do you dwell upon the thoughts that i occupy
or do you give yourself things to do?

common tests are over- and im surprised to say i havent failed as many papers as i suspected i would. here i was thinking id failed spectacularly (bring out the fireworks baby!) and i was wrong! akesh m'boy, you really arent as dumb as you think you are. or are you?

i dont know. dont think so, dont really care. just live life the way it is- and see what happens. its not so bad.

everything else'll be thrown to my gemini differential

yeah you two. im countin on you.

- 1:26 pm

hit by the sudden stifling heat of the sun the world stands still, until a dog reluctantly creeps out of the shade of the tree he has been lying under to rush out and greet the day, and a burst of fresh air, which strays from the upper regions of the sky, to reach down and deliver some form of comfort to my prostrate form beneath the expansive canopy of the old tree.

time stands still

and i await your reply

mr lovva lovva


akesh*
25 on 10.6.13
Gemini Dragon
foxmastert22@hotmail.com
smu skool of law
raffles junior college
sunset way

the next dream
RJC2A01D

brasilia
interbarcaliverpool


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