Nature's first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold Her early leaf's a flower; But only so an hour Then leaf subsides to leaf So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day Nothing gold can stay -robert frost-
Monday, May 30, 2005
- 11:04 pm
Ice-cold moonlight at the end of the night burns my desire Feel the fire Sense the power
Sweet sin, kiss me Close your eyes and miss me Sweet sin, feed me on your fire and consume me
My heart is so heavy I am so empty I want – more from you More – more from everything
All my senses concentrated on you Feel how my pulse races How it reacts to your passion
You pretend so heavenly I feel so empty In the sign of the Venus My heart is so heavy
my heart stays still; and i move for noone.
- 1:37 pm
before i begin i have to say something; it goes like this CAMPIONI CAMPIONI LIVERPOOL yes it was the best match ive seen in my life; ive never seen such a comeback from my scouser boys. at half time, 3-0 down i was furious; crying and shouting watching as ancelotti celebrated with his players and coming out again; but they forget how hell hath no fury like the liverpool supporters; we stuck by our team throughout singing youll never walk alone even though we were down and out- the memory of it brings tears to my eyes specially since i was at home singing it with them at 350 in the morning till the restart. suddenly stevie g scored and put us up at 3-1 and here i was shouting for joy because i knew we had a chance, 2 goals against the best defence in the world were needed- but we could do it with our stevie g pumping us on.
steve gerrard gerrard whatever will be will be
so began the blitz. vladimir smicer came on an produced a brilliant shot which was too good for dida to save throwing us up to 3-2 and then gerrard surged forward on an impossible ball to be tripped in the penalty box; i thought i was dreaming as we got the penalty. xabi alonso stepped up to deliver; his shot was saved but his follow up was sublime. against the defence of paolo maldini, alessandro nesta, jaap stam and cafu, with gennaro ivan gattusso DMCing we showed how we were the team who beat a top class german team, the best teams in italy and the second best team in england- we always knew we were the best. then came penalties; and all credit to dudek who did a masterful job as we won 3-2; and i was catapulted to extremes of joy ive never experienced before.
campioni campioni liverpool
its been an extremely long weekend; and im left here exhausted, but facing the prospects of a good number of matches over the next few weeks. which, come to think of it isnt such a bad prospect. go team!
shes uncertain if she likes him but she knows she really loves him its a crash course for the ravers
for most of the week its been skool lectures and then rehearsals rehearsals rehearsals; the life I like just without the skool and lectures bit. while waiting for daisy rehearsals, going for kalashatvam rehearsals, gettin home elevenish and then some. being called up two weeks before kalashatvam and being asked to act before reworking the script getting a play together and then replacing vishal and that other guy as emcee with hadri; and then seeing hadri get cut from the emceeing bit leavin me to figure it out. but yeah. back to daisy things.
daisy pulled it off is over; i dont know if im relieved or saddened for various reasons which as of yet are still unknown to me but what the heck. first night was quite good; i mean we had something close to full house which is quite decent and the acting wasnt so bad. THANKS THENUGA FOR COMING IN AFTER THE INTERVAL. haha no, really thanks for coming down. thenuga gave me a vodka which she promptly snatched back when i poked a jibe at her milan. but day 2- saturday was a complete joke. i put my heart out and did as good a job as i could; and although i fucked a line, i rallied and got back in place without anyone noticing anything (smritis right. i only ever get my lines right on the day itself). but the audience; it was whack. the wings of the PAC were deserted- where were they? i dont want to blame publicity because i know they tried- but it could have been much much better. i mean look at the ACJC play- camelot. they got colour posters everywhere including RJC and what do we got? photocopied pictures of pek in RJC. and they wonder why RJC wins the best play award year in year out. we're doing it wrong; for starters i think the casting should be more balanced between the guys and girls- my male coworkers were what? reuben gavin and waikit? huzzah. and then we're doing a british schoolgirl play? we're singaporean and i really think we shoulda done something closer to the heart, something more pertinent, more interesting- something people'd want to come for, something befitting an RJC play- something like Otto Fongs 'We Are Family (2001)' all credit to smriti and mrs perry though; they did a good job directing. but yeah choice of play needs to be watched please. and we need an audience. what nonsense rafflesians are we having nowadays who wont support their skool play, cheer properly for rugby and hockey?
on a higher note, congratulations to the hockey boys who did a great job; and to the rugby boys- do it next year. you got a brilliant captain in steven haurissa, use that.
and then kalashatvam; it was a great performance. every show was magnificent, the only blip on the radar being the banana rain crap put up by guess who? the committee of 2006! haha must say the new committee sucks; all in favour say aye (chorus of ayes). good stuff to jayavalli and geetha for carrying the things on their backs.
then the sunday night fight; ha!
with things back to normal on a hot monday afternoon; i examine the prospects and looks ahead- things are bleak but it aint so bad in the end- the big picture was always a misrepresentation
i like looking behind the picture
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
- 11:17 pm
to go chasing shadows over blackened meadows and so living to learn nothing worse than to yearn to find emptiness in despair and then refusal to share emotion so brief was ever a spark but not a reprieve soon shut by the dark
so falls the leaf dead from the tree crisp; wrought with grief sail over the sea the greatest sailor was i yearning becomes my helmsman to sail to the sky like no other can and rest in his lap awash in the light fell out of the trap of lack of true sight to learn to believe and forget how to grieve with his almighty grace angels winged with lace
guide me to shore unvisited before and to me one and all come as i call come as i call to watch as i fall come as i call come as i call and break down the wall come as i call come as i call so death brings its pall yet i heed not its call still do i live by mine own light the soul of my heart doth shineth out bright and then i recall i was but my own no minion no thrall now come as i call
to arms against charms the devil he sets and away to the path you cast your own nets go back to the sea you sail evermore the tears on your face your feet are still sore
the wind of autumn blows leaf by leaf takes them away reminders of grief you stand by the lantern darkness in your chest soon to learn the words at your behest you are to be gone lost forevermore and then im alone to sail not to soar she asks for one last kiss; the wind in his ear, the very last kiss the very last year the last leaf in the tree standing out tall whispers to me come as i call come as i call come as i call the last kiss; he does not remember it anymore. come as i call come as i call thorns were his crown; yet we all fall down forgive me
believe i dont believe i never did dont ever grieve the little lost kid
a ripple serenity fruit of the palm below blue skies it spills around in whirls and swirls where a pebble fell by the riverside stops its swell slowly unfurls not lost not found how a ripple dies and all is calm tranquility
A Tree Stump the stump of a tree sat by a road a man passes by bearing his load
it sticks out a root he takes a false step drops all his loot and falls on his back
he fell on his back and wondered how the tree he had felled had fallen him now
akesh
your supposed to be dead now get out of my head
fin
- 1:46 pm
today we were hammered 7-4. im completely furious, we went 6-1 down at one point; the defense was in pieces. bloody hell. too many people going up, too few wanting to commit to the defense.
real madrid 0 - 0 athletic bilbao
no. that doesnt help much either. in any case the days are pulling away, longer and longer. i have a heavy weekend- on friday and saturday is daisy pulls it off (no, its not a porn flick) and on sunday i got this kalashatvam emceeing thing to do. im actually quite pleased for being involved- theyre all real nice although its quite perturbing seeing how im the only J1 involved.
im confused, and irritated at the same time. im stuck in a rut i cant be removed from - so close to perfection, and then not. champions league finals on thursday. yes i will be watching it. but yeah. fuck. so many things passed around and about its hard to believe what to believe and understand why.
so why bother? why subscribe to the nonsense forced down your throat like a duck being force fed for pate? i like living in my outside world- where everything is much more clear; live for the day, live for life, and live for me and everything else. so much more, and so much less, without the loss. keep me in this state; and then release me- do i deserve this? fuck that. i dont care. when do i ever? furious; for the day that turned everything upside down, and sent it all wrong; and a bottle of venom to make it all good again.
i dont know what to do. emotionally; im dying. and its showing during my rehearsal. i really cant be bothered and my voice is going. its all going wrong.
i believe i believe
thank you god for my friends thank you for ramya thank you for thenuga thank you for hulin thank you for james singh thank you for krinesh thank you for james muruthi thank you for bhavan
thank you for everything; and nothing; for what you gave you took just as readily.
fallen from grace; but returning as i fell; i know everything; i live a soul - for expression break; nobody lives forever yet i love fornever
passing by glory tender life story not black not white but gray in sight you rue the day you hear them say life was a red brick wall so come as i call come as i call
fin
Sunday, May 22, 2005
- 1:41 am
The way a crow Shook down on me The dust of snow From a hemlock tree
Has given my heart A change of mood And saved some part Of a day I had rued.
everpresent, in front of everything it stays and refuses to leave ruminations of possibilities flying ahead as i incinerate in the afterburn sick from malady by man incurable deciding for the initial discomfort be to be met with and then thrown askew
take me;leave me; dont let me down
ellen degeneres isnt doing so bad for herself
Sunday, May 15, 2005
- 8:54 pm
after playing todays game in a pitch so packed there was hardly any space to run; i was reminded of all those times before when james used to come down when the park would be as full as it was. and then there were the days leading up to james's departure; on february the 14th he left the neighbourhood at 9am.
the day before we were at the gym; doing the usual workout when we decided to go swimming afterwards. so we called down amrit, lily, avenash, jamal, and some of his friends to come- and he ordered a couple'a pizzas he payed for himself (surprise surprise james)- then again he always was- is - very generous. all of us jumping about chasing each other ages between 12 and 19 just having a good time; when suddenly i am possessed by the desire to start riding the bicycle. so i get outta the pool and get onto avenash's bike- back it up and ride straight towards the pool. sadly however, my glamorous image of sailing above the water before landing in it were not to be realised- instead i did a 90 degree plunge and went right into the water. in any case it was fun riding the bike at the bottom of the pool though eventually we removed it and hid it before the security guard came, and stuff. then, sodding wet, wed all tramp down to the park and go for the game...brilliant day my total 90s were soaked..and then that night i went and met james, said goodbye, had a piece of his leaving cake and took his jacket.
so now i wait till june- june when ill do like he advised, and then continue, waiting-
to meet my best friend again
you are missed by all of us, brother
- 12:48 pm
we beat VJC in the cricket finals - all hail james kailash muruthi. and bhavan, the world class goalkeeper whos gonna bring us the hockey gold. and akesh whos gonna bring hullett dramafeste gold. yes. hail hail the terrible trio. damnit we make brahma vishnu and shiva look like the power rangers.
memories of past i heed them all to go as they may yet come as i call
you know a lot of things have changed for me in not a lot of time. six months ago i was a completely different person; and three hours ago, after playing a match on poor form, things have changed again.
back last year- i was a different person. id gone through a dramatic change, lost 15 kilograms and was starting to believe in a lot of things. i used to openly trust everyone i knew met and saw, thinking them to be friends, i used to believe that without acting, i had nothing. used to think that love was something really important, really serious, sanctimonious. now i know that its all a pile of crap and i couldnt give a flying fuck for all of them put together.
right before the preliminary examinations last year i got hit by the shock of my life- in retrospect it wasnt that much of a shock considering what an idiot i was; a clingy little fuck. fuck you! id probably tell him, let it slide, chill. i went on to completely fuck my preliminary exams- get hit with 16 points and going to JJC. and this was it - all form of insecurity flying to the surface, and you who i depended on - yes you; were not there. to ease things i fell further away from myself and then broke up with my girlfriend- and again i was such an idiot. you cannot look for support from anyone other than your parents- or in my case my father alone - because everyone else has too many things going on to really bother. i changed my lifestyle and only let a very select group of people in- you know who you are, the four of you. yes my beloved fairy godsiblings and frenchy herself. yet its strange- that although now we're all closer together? i mean shumin and kat are mere classes away? i feel as though were all growing apart; yet it gladdens me to note that i will always have hulin there for me. as for you? im still very confused. so ill chuck that in a corner and let it die- the way we all will eventually.
trace the outline of a smile on a single block of wood watch it come to life like nothing ever could
taum - sturm und blind!
and then now - its either a moodswing or part of my manic depressivity but its coming again.
change.
wilkommen im nicht
come smoke the phenomenon
Thursday, May 12, 2005
- 5:25 pm
rachel feliz de cumpleaños joyeux anniversaire rachel Glücklicher Geburtstag rachel il rachel di compleanno felice с днем рождения Рэйчел Gelukkige verjaardag rachel feliz aniversário rachel
Sunday, May 08, 2005
- 5:10 pm
my dearest cast and crew of Sing to the Dawn;
Its been exactly a year since we all stepped out onto that stage in the Jubilee Concert Hall pretending to be water plants and going through the brilliant production that was Sing to the Dawn. I know all of you remember the applause as we faded off to total blackout on the last day of production, the way we knew it was all over, it had all ended- but we all knew another thing; that memories of our production would stay cherished in our hearts forever (or until we turned 90 according to sarahseah). but what i think was the most important and rewarding part of our whole production was the process- the journey to those four and a half hours on stage in front of a sold out audience, all our rehearsals, all our memories.
remember that first time we all met? it was initially at drama camp- and then all those rehearsals going up and down from RI to RGS and so on. It was a bit akward at first but slowly (hey wait. we were quite fast werent we? what the heck.) we all forged these crazy brill long lasting relationships that are still so strong now. all the rehearsals in LT1, the Incubus CD played in RGS, the prerehearsal games. Everything, and the traumatising stretch and yawn old sarah saw. in any case we had loads of fun didnt we? lets have a PPPPP for the heck of it after the exams.
our memories and friendships will never fade, not even unto the final rest to which we are laid
happy anniversary my beloved friends- ill love you all forever.
vichai
Friday, May 06, 2005
- 1:54 pm
and so i seek solace from the fact that writing, an otherwise seemingly meaningless activity, brings some respite to the discomfiture trailing me like a shadow. apart from the fact that as i write, the sky remains dark, and almost as grim as my prospects over the next few months.
wake me up inside
it is all futile; hopeless. there is nothing that can be done or will be done to break down the unassailable walls that despair has built around me, encasing, encapsulating my mind in solid grey, a monotony broken only on occasion by thoughts of my dearest beloved which float peripatetic through my mind, so close and still so far.
save me from the nothing ive become
just wait and see. it will all change in one huge burst of glory, and no, this is not some macabre soliloquy purposed on the definition, meaning or essence of the transition between life and death, or an almost seamless, surgical execution of life as it should be, but rather in some ways a monologue of mourning expressed by the pen in ways the sword never could, or will. make love, not war.
lets take a moment to think about the tsunami victims. your still alive to read this. your lucky. great. moment over.
look what you've done
take me back. to times more filled with joy, and relish for each passing day of life, days now almost non existent, time slowing to a weary halt, on occasion trudging aimlessly, pointlessly, but to what final destination. i will never know, because i still believe the bending of the fourth dimension, time, to be nothing more than a fantasy.
youve made a fool of everyone
is it all you really think about? what thoughts pick their way meticulously through your mind in the late hours of the night? and then during the day they suddenly become so strange, so stupid, so...wrong. on how things change, and the mind changes to meld itself into whatever form to reach denial, or acceptance, whichever is easier, no matter how hard you try to fight it after change, drastic change in environment, metaphysical and mental.
look for meaning in a whispered sentence, and see ever concealed emotion shout back at you. a whisper can convey so many emotions, anguish, fear, pain, sadness, all across the spectrum to joy. sheer uncontrollable euphoria as that whisper slowly gathers strengh and you scream; and then it all falls down. which is why the littlest things are the biggest, and why the meek will rule the world after man faces his biggest, most basal fears, loneliness and silence. an event as predictable as the apocalypse, yet just as likely to happen. i have no desire to explain myself further, i have nothing to say to you or anyone else. how it gnaws at night insidem how unquestionable predictability bears so much in common to 'and all their answers unquestioned', and how that has become the new perestroika, or openess of the new millenium. free speaking might be a great ideal, but like most ideals? it never suits society, or the government. too many skeletons in the closet.
amour amour
what world is it that we live in when openess and unquestionable predictability in words of authoritarian figures are synonymous, and great literary works have ceased production? culture was always a fad, and now it is dying, replaced instead by plastic gambling chips, and greenbacks carrying imagined value; lifeblood of the economy, jesus of economists and businessmen, ichor to democracy and governor of the world. so long as people are money minded, democracy will always be preferred, and influence of a certain democratic nation which considers its duty to the world to involuntary violent 'assisted' revolution to the aforementioned cause. how can we ever truly consider ourselves free, shackled as we are by that national economy, brainwashing an entire generation and in so doing creating a stigma towards what was always ours, tradition and culture, now relics of a previous age.
and indeed if words have the power to move, and to open eyes, let this writing be that Hup Seng moving pte ltd, or that big lasik surgery in the sky. failing which can it be at least rolled up to bat that pinata? ooh. pinata.
come here to where i stand, and look up, straight up into the sky and at the starrs. skool is as skool is. nuff said.
i dont know. its very confusing, especially since these past 3 pages of writing have to be typed out in a number of days.
but i digress. such is the immediate changing swing of moods, that im becoming somewhat disturbed by my discomfitable, and on occasion perturbing behaviour. ill continue some other time. there are other things to attend to right now though, and baby we got to set things right. remember, i love you. and you. and you. all of you for boarding the rebelstarr. not really. after all, lying is a cardinal sin.
digressions, confessions and finally, interventions
bitte bitte, gib mir gift
i think RHCP are the best thing this world has had since sliced bread- and thats saying a lot.
breathe in. breathe out. breathe in.
sleep is good, although i dont want to sleep my life away, rather spend it doing exciting things and getting sufficient sleep. sleep, king of gods and men, master of all, come to mine eyes again, come as i call sleep, who may loose and bind each as his thrall, come to the weary mind, come at my call, tamer of toil and woes, healer of all, sleep, whence our solace flows, come as i call brother of mankind, softly you fall leaving the world behind, come at my call sleep, lord of all things made, sleep over all, let your warm wings be laid, came as i call
for what else will come when only sleep can provide any respite, any solace from the day.
perhaps we love the night so for it means that escape from the world is but a short while in coming, perhaps its because once again were free to dream - and we dream of lives how we wanted them, and how they couldve been-but never were.
walk on through the wind walk on through the rain
reach out, touch me
you want commitment, put on your best suit, get your arms around me cos im goin down down down
and when we were good, just close your eyes
the death of one is a tragedy
its one of those warm days the sun loves vaingloriously proclaiming his prescence by bathing the world in the glow of his resplendance, and we all dance, minds intoxicated by his radiance, awash with joy and a mixture of all sorts of sentiments. for the world is young on days like this, and the spirit free.
i want to be free.
such is the way of the world that the biggest and most accountable explanation of life is found in its more dimunitive beings, and the truth behind meaning is pointlessness, as we meander about our little worlds with our little minds being the centres of our own universes. that each cell of the body works specifically in tandem with other cells to perform specific functions is fascinating, although right as i write this on my lecture pad m having the heck bored out of me by that biology woman and her stupid cells. why am i here?
i walk out.
fin
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
- 8:31 pm
why am i so confused as to what needs to happen and how it does? its very frustrating, being very undecided; thinking you want something- immaterial or very much real; and then later realising that naw, its only making things worse.
plunge down into the deeper will of the dark mind torment brewing like thunderclouds on the rim of self sufferance in the created self righteous suicide and suddenly; meeting the renewal realisation of what never was banishment, with emancipation, and a new song golden, like the sun
today went by quite quickly; with the only things worth mention being my 1.6km in 6:32 and the position papers. im shocked, how will i ever make it within 9 minutes if im doing four rounds in 6:32? and then i think and realise, fuck that, its not like the 2.4 matters anyway does it now. i dont know why i do so many things for no reason at all, its so stupid the way i realise things later on. and then we had double history which was boring as usual although it is some consolation noting how dayna is quite decent.
i dont know what im thinking, how or why im thinking. and then i realise i know everything about why i do what; but im not projecting good enough. im so restless seeing as to how i havent acted for a long time, but we'll see if the J1 production pulls through. and on a random note, 1A01D rocks. yes thats my class. did i mention we're an arts class?
i miss the wind and westering days; and the sun setting on the far left-
so ive retrieved them from the past to live the present
come as i call, come as i call
Monday, May 02, 2005
- 9:32 pm
and what better way to break in my new ronaldo number 9 jersey with a hat trick of goals. soccer wasnt so good on saturday seeing how my left calf was giving me trouble but i got in there fine to bring us back into the game as we trailed 2-1 thanks to colin and uncle, although thanks to a stunning strike by uncle chandran, and a last minute goal by ray, we ended up with the final score at 3-2 and took the win. after the game i went down to the class party which was real good seeing as to how candices dad was really quite interesting. later on james daniel and i went up to watch liverpool trail 1-0 to boro at half time although i couldnt take the agony and went back down with them at the whistle to rejoin the karaoke that was going on. ha. colin (C) and i (A) took captaincy on saturday.
goals (C) uncle 1 (C) colin 1 (A) chandran 1 (A) akesh 1 (A) ray 1
in any case yesterday it was drizzling ever so slightly so called the people up and we went down to the park to play. as usual we were leaky at the back for the first few minutes, going down 2-0 at the off, with a goal by colin and another from uncle harbhajan. once again i intervened to score and bring us up at 2-1 but a few moments later they struck back and brought us back down at 3-1, amrit taking the goal, his first ever. just before the stroke of half time however, i put us back up at 3-2, and then watched as the dutch man we liken to marco van basten send in a header to hold us at 4-2, although then chandran hammered two wondrous shots in two equalise at 4-4, and then i took a run down the left and we were up for the first time in the game; at 5-4. sadly, our hopes were dashed five minutes from time as van basten equalised to hold us at 5-5. colin and i once again took captaincy.
todays match however was a thriller. uncle (U) and van basten (VB) took captaincy of the two teams with me on uncles side today. it started off with the usual story though, conceding two goals early in the first half, courtesy of colin and kenneth who put their team up 2-0 leaving me shouting at the very leaky defence, and limping about the pitch although suddenly chandran took a pot at the goal and simon failed to hold, and we, with renewed vigour went about down 2-1. i then went through a series of passes in quick succession with uncle and controlled the ball to shoot it past the helpless goalkeeper and put us back on level terms at 2-2. just before half time however, i scored a goal ill remember forever; probably the best goal ive ever scored. chandran passed me the ball about three metres before the halfway mark as i jinked past four people, and broke through the midfield before running chased by kenneth and this NS guy, suddenly stopping as they scrambled to stop and knocking the ball just past the keepers (simon's) right leg to put us up at 3-2 just before half time. full time resumed and we changed sides, although we instantly won a penalty thanks to a handball, which we let one of the small boys take. sadly he missed, and then horror of horrors; kenneth took a throw in which i tried to control miserably- it smacked my leg and deflected to the right corner of my own goal- damn! i was absolutely furious; until the ball was far down the left flank as van basten left it to go out; but i raced forward and fell back to send a cross in- boon flapped it, but thank god james (not big james. this is another one.) has the prescence of mind to kick it in and were back up at 4-3! i was now galvanised back into action as both harbhajan and chandran said that made up for the own goal- so i made a long run down the entire length of the left flank, dribbling past defenders and as van basten closed in on me, i took a sharply angled shot- and we were up at 5-3; and the match received brilliant closure with a great goal by james- and we won 6-3. brilliant match. how i wish we had more long weekends!
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--***--
rackin' em up since before you were born
(january 2004)
hit the stars
