amour amour

Thursday, March 17, 2005

- 2:34 pm

ive plunged headfirst so deeply into a mire of surrealist realism ive forgotten about everything in general- and the use of writing here. inspiration, previously lost, has been redelivered on a silver platter as i look forward to the 23rd, and a posting to a new school. so many things seem to have changed; but when you look at it all its all nothing in the big picture. change, no change, whirlwinds of emotion throwing us into tantrums of sullen ineptitude, or as a frenzied dervish on a stretch of imagination. and heck, lets just throw a sandstorm into the picture to add some constancy to an ever-changing script.

i remember my childhood and for those of you unaware of what that is, its that time when you were small, young and carefree. this statement invokes a deep sense of sorrow for a vast majority of my friends raised in singapore who are actually able to ask themselves what childhood? growing up in london, then on to paris, going up the eiffel tower, or just trying to actually eat snow but always being thwarted in my attempts by the parental figures. or stealing tomatoes from that tree in the corner of the garden in spring, when the air was clean, crisp and fresh- and the only cars i ever saw seemed to be those beetles. when long sideburns were in fashion, and most of what i said involved the words 'papa carry me', or hiding in the crevice between the sofa from my little sister. going to skool there, and playing the big billy goat gruff who knocked the evil troll off the bridge, and being the cow in the nativity act- all my first dramatic memories. of lining up my nice big collection of toy cars against the wall and proudly showing them to the world- parading them in a sense of the word; much like i am putting my memories up for everyone to see and ooh and aah at- no i much prefer the term showcase. especially that time when the teacher at the school asked me what drink id like during a class party and i shot a 'johnny walker black label on the rocks' at her with no hesitation. my father was undoubtedly my idol- and still is though im bent on pursuing another profession now; im too arts and too little science. someday i will own a blue convertible BMW, live in a big house with a beautiful wife and a beautiful life. ill work to make those dreams come true; do law, and be goddamned good at it. im listening to 'must get out' by maroon 5 which could account for some of these sudden feelings of passion but my supposedly 'fiery' temperament has been ignited, and hell hath no fury like i have. i denounce everything and anything holding me at impasse with myself- i am for who i am and everything for i am. knowing who i am- something thenuga helped me realise a long time ago. a long time ago.

then, coming to singapore. to joyce gohs' playgroup. having to stay back two years for being to young to go on to primary school, for having completed their entire syllabus by age 5. going to school with my little blue thomas the tank engine lunchbox, and then coming home on the bus waving at all the people in their cars behind us chanting something along the lines of 'berry goodbye' to them. one day this new driver got so pissed off by this, he threw a featherduster at us. various parental figures intervened, and he was fired the next day. ha. take that abusive bus driver man. then finally on to primary school, taking bus number 5 to and from school everyday with the bus driver, uncle potatohead. henry park primary school. joining scouts, being the only pri 2 kid allowed to join for simply answering the question as to why i wanted to join scouts with a 'i want to help people' when most idiots talked about how they loved camping. going through 1C, 2C with miss karen lee then on to the best class in pri 3, 3H with ms yong song ling (who later became mrs sia song ling) and creating this vigilante society called 'the spider catchers' who were constantly reprimanded for doing just that. going through to 4H, streamed to EM1, opted to EM2 by the parental figures. big mistake. taking the GEP test, passing, and being rendered ineligible for unwillingness to switch to rosyth primary. going to EM2 class 5D instead of A,B or C, losing all forms of motivation not studying for anything and breezing through the PSLE, entering RI based on IQ and evaluation by SINDAs' Project Vidya for gifted students.

passing through RI, fucking everything in my life up, watching relationships crash and burn, not knowing what to say or how to do anything right before the prelims, and suiciding through them ending up with 16 pathetic points taking me straight to JJC later on. going to starbucks, working my arse off and ending up with six points on the O's. and here i am now. seeing everything change, and waiting, tenuously for the future and everything its gonna bring. moving out of science and into arts- a huge change.

being fat from pri 6 through to sec 3, and cutting 2.4 timings from 18 minutes to 11. i remember in pri 5 i did my 1.6 in 10 minutes- i was 11; 6 years on and now im hoping to do my 2.4 in 9. being betrayed by friends; changing completely from a fat bastard to what i am now and realising so many things, pulling so many strings, and hacking social circles down to size. being a part of the raffles players for four years, and feeling undertested. taking part in one stupid dramafeste thanks to SARS, sec 1 and the Os'. watching life take all its turns, writing its story, and being the main character.

going out with girls who never really cared much for me, riding the crest of a wave of popularity for a few days before i saw through shallow facades and left. rejections, rebuttals, ive seen them. asking four who really meant anything, and going out with three. forming the fairy godsiblings with my best friends hulin, shumin and kat. meeting the person who changed everything; ramya- and seeing her leave for york. meeting my darling sing to the dawn cast and riding every storm with them, through hell and high water and making it to production night; we were, and will always be remembered as the best they ever saw that night. may 7th and 8th, 2 nights and a matinee to remain etched in my memory for all time; along with the prayers we shared, the blood, sweat and tears we shed; and our final production, 'Sing to The Dawn'. we did it. and we made it big.

seeing how everything has changed,
and how i never expected any of it.

fin