Nature's first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold Her early leaf's a flower; But only so an hour Then leaf subsides to leaf So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day Nothing gold can stay -robert frost-
Friday, January 14, 2005
- 9:23 pm
its been a long, long week, and exhaustive both physically and mentally. and yeah, i guess this was the straw that broke the camels back. i actually wrote the following paragraph days ago, deciding against writing it after certain events, but what the heck now after i done wasted my fucking day waiting for fucking nothing to fucking happen. and y'know what? fuck that.
things have changed. its so obvious. what was once so pleasant, sweet and light is darkening with about as much rapidity as the sky outside, and similar external influences take their toll and things become more and more strained. i pretty much know what i have to do now although the thought alone pains me, for i cherish this far too much, obviously so much more than you do which probably explains your three word replies and never calling back. you make me feel like an idiot, a complete moron to carry on thinking everything is going fine, when its not. why are you being someone your not? and why am i? what the fuck are we doing? your being harsh and cold obviously has much more effect than you believe them to, and if indeed you want to continue making showering attention upon you a chore? then fine. i guess your just not as desirious of some things than other people. whatever. perhaps you would rather i be a fixture in your life to be called upon when needed and forgotten when not. we'll see what happens on friday yeah? abd guess what- we did see what happened, and i thank god i dint ask you the question i was going to, because im pretty sure you woulda broken my heart with your answer just like you did tonight.
everything undergoes constant change, and we arent exceptions to the rule, but this is absurd. and roy did have his points, and we discussed things you will never know, and would be loathe to not do so. that come what may, i will always have a backup plan, that no matter how fall, it wont be far, considering the faith and belief my friends have in me, and vice versa. and for this i thank you most profusely, hulin, shumin, kat, max, alec, and above and beyond all, ramya.
no way this can continue like this, i am at an impasse as to what to do, and how things are; a main causative factor being how you appear to feel, and the things you do.
-what is that isnt-
dont waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head
dont let this go. theres very little else to believe in but for the sanctity of this bond; our bond, and its breaking before my eyes; and i yearn for a change of mood. dont do this because; no, do what you will, do what you want. see if i care. i couldnt really give a fuck seeing as to how you put me through the works doing little more than nothing. thats that.
and might fine, only got you there half the time
its so perturbing seeing how everything has changed. all for the worse with you. dear god dont do this. dont go down this road, i want this to last.
time to face the strange changes
back to reality, back from the long acted script. whats real and what isnt? what emotion is real and true? whats the point of love when its about as sincere as a faked orgasm? i dont know, ive been sincere everyday so far.
im haunted, you got what you wanted
dont go down this road girl,
dont go down this road.
forgive me
nothing gold can stay
mr lovva lovva
akesh*
25 on 10.6.13
Gemini Dragon
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rackin' em up since before you were born
(january 2004)
hit the stars
