Wednesday, December 08, 2004
- 2:23 am
actually this comes back.
Saturday, August 14, 2004
it feels like i been stabbed in the gut
its late at night at times like this when im on strange inexplainable unprecedented lows that i want to write, and start to write. aside from that, my singing voice becomes much better, and i can hit pitches and tones i usually cant. i been singing drown and behind blue eyes again and again the past hour, and one day i should record myself. its pitch black outside, and feels the same way inside. i havent been on a high since three days ago, and that seems so far away already. that day at swensens..and today being sunday morning.
i dunno what spurs these strange feelings on, and the best i can do to explain is moodswings. my moodswings are usually, frequent and can be very intense. their either high, low, or on some occassions, pissed. very pissed, and i dont like that, because i snap at the world, and tell everyone in sight to fuck out of my life, and leave me to die. when im down i just stop talking, and avoid any form of eye contact. and when im high? i couldnt care less right now, and still i write about it, because the very formation of these words, their existence, their release from my fingers beckons towards some form of release i will never understand. perhaps its because i find my true essence in writing, perhaps its because what you see in words here is someone im not, and will never be, and maybe its because what you see in person is different. i want my voice, i want my words, i want me.
its like wanting to die, wanting to feel warm blood flow down your hand because your suddenly not sure if you exist, because everything is so meaningless, because everything just sucks, because thats just the way it seems. like noone cares, and you probably never will. like i probably never will. when someone or something i dont particularly like or care for, i get bored, and i leave. i left so many people, i said 'no' straight and outright to so many people, i wonder if what i did was right - and then i take it all back because i remember - its my fucking life, and what you think of what i do, and what you think of what i say doesnt really matter to me - because were all gonna die anyway, and im gonna live my span of life how i want.
no, its nothing to do with being cool. the fact that my shirt is untucked all the time is not a fashion statement, its nothing to do with being 'cool', because frankly - its an ideaology that doesnt appeal to me. being cool encompasses getting into a certain mould to be liked by people - and i want people to like me for who i am - correction - i couldnt care less for what anyone thought of me - i want to like me for who i am. and if having my shirt out is comfortable- if thats how i like it? - thats the way im gonna go. dont bother stopping me, its not gonna work. dont preach or prate, i wont listen. dont waste my time, and i wont waste yours. because my life is plain and simple - its about me, and the people (and dog) i love the most, which makes it a very exclusive group. and no, my family arent the people i love the most, although fifi is in the family. dont tell me whats good and whats not good for me- i dont care.
back off. quit asking me out and telling me you love me- because your all not me. and if you want further or more acceptable grounds for my scathing dismissal of all of you? im attached - so back off.
dont tell me your secrets- i dont care.
i dont really care.
i dont even know why i post these things, i dont know so many things-
and for the last fucking time-
back off, im never gonna become one of you
this all seems so wrong. like im underneath the gun. its so painful, it hurts like hell, these internal chest mechanisms, and i dont know why. it could have to do with these emotional swings and everything, but damnit, it hurts. it really does, and i never know why, and when i do, im too scared to admit.
all the great things go away
happens everytime. every single time, everything good disappears and leaves me with myself, and i dont even know who i am. ramya leaves soon- and live will change dramatically. i refuse to take up a new best friend person, its always gonna be ramya, i dont care, no matter how much you detractors say theres no such thing as forever - dont forget - this is me, and im strange. im different, im not you, and i mean things a lot more deeply than anyone else because emotion is my adrenaline, i live off emotion, and i let it all go through the stage. i can do anything on the stage, things i could never dream of doing off the stage, i could propose to anyone, i could proclaim wild and unwarranted love for anyone at all, i could be or do anything, because the stage is my platform of communication, the stage is who i am, the stage is a part of my soul, and only on the stage do you see me for who i am, because the stage brings me out from behind the facade of unconfidence, shyness and hesitance i hide behind sometimes, because the stage is me, and the stage brings it all out. put me on a stage, and ill give you me. give me drama, and ill give you a hell of a show. id do anything for you - give me a stage. if i were to be who i was, little children might start crying, and people might run away screaming for the sheer fear of nonconformism, for everything i am, and for everything i do. because remember, were hard to find - and its even harder for people like me to find that significant other - because were so fucking hard to find - and nobody else seems to match. forget the guy you think you see in the morning, whenever, whereever, because from now on? i promise all of you pure unadulterated me - and if you think its crazy, its whack, its fearless? remember, i dont really care for the thoughts or opinions of others unless theyre close to me, and hardly anybody is, because i distance myself from the world- and they all come rushing forward to meet me, like running away from the tide. itll recede, and then itll come back full force, and you meet it every single time as it breaks around your ankles, and you stand, knowing your alive, yet not knowing, because everything seems so different, because the sun is setting, because with the water around your ankles and bathed by the supposedly warm glow of a retiring sun, while a chill sea breeze picks up, you realise theres noone with you, and then you feel truly alone. its human nature to want to be together with someone, or a group of people, to build up bonds of closeness, whatever. it just is. its always better to watch that sunset with someone else, and to lie back on the sand and gaze at the stars with someone else, because then - your not alone, because then your soul feels free and accomplished and everything feels so right - everything feels so secure, and suddenly that breeze isnt whistling anymore, your not hearing it because your senses are too busy soaking up the prescence of that person right next to you, and nothing else matters right then, and it is a moment of perfect serenity.
it just is. you keep things your way, ill keep them mine. you live your lives, and ill live mine, by my own rules, by my own words and subscriptions and not to the general liking or wonts of the masses, because im not 'anybody' or 'most people' or 'everyone else', im akesh, and dont you forget that. actually, forget it. i want no part of your life, because ill probably screw it up seeing how different we all are.
like i said, give me a stage, and i can do anything, anything at all, because the real actor is here right now, writing this stupid post on a blog i dont care for, because the real person behind these words is really himself on a stage, is really himself with the people who matter, and noone else. that the real person is who you see when hes happy, and not when hes moody. that its all so complicated, and trying to understand anything of this would be a complete waste of time, because we are who we are, and dont try hiding that, or changing that for noone.
and thats something to take home tonight
most grown men dont cry enough,
so imma go cry myself to sleep.
im not a fidgety nervous person, yet i project that image when i play with my knuckles and fingers- and thats all gonna end - because im scared of nothing, except what emotion can do to me, because emotion is more powerful than you think.
everyone has emotion - its from two places, the heart, and the soul. emotion from the heart goes out to one person usually, and its the most powerful there is, and it empties a person when it goes in one direction and nothing comes back. and when it does, its different, because both people involved are so fulfilled and happy. and that from the soul is dedicated towards everything else. at least thats the way it seems to be. emotion isnt controllable at all, but actors learn how to manipulate it to project a certain image, because we all know- you cannot control what you feel inside.
i dont care very much for what anyone thinks of what i do, who i go out with, and how i live my life - because all that really matters in the end, is how you feel about yourself, because the body is merely a receptacle of your soul and thats it. sure, i might sound like a drug infused hippie, and if i do, thens thats just a facet of who i am.
wheres the love?
maybe im a target for people who are bitter
well at least i know im not a quitter
peace man.
fin
vichai smashmouthed | 11:59 PM
--***--
and now things are all done changed,
cos now i got you.
hit the stars
