Monday, September 27, 2004
- 4:19 pm
how am i going to get into a JC like this?
i give you my preliminary examination english essay,
walls
walls. how completely, and surely they surround me. they serve to keep everything out, but to the naked flame of my soul, i am kept in, trapped. i used to be free, but the walls of my guilty conscience have driven me close to insanity, and i can find no release from this mass of solid grey matter encapsulating my mind. i am stuck here, lugubrious, as peripatetic thoughts, woven from the intricate strands of my mind hover about in the dark, never to be released. i will never be free of these walls, for a deed committed in a moment of weakness, a flash of passion and anger that has rended me irredeemable, unforgiven.
i sit here under the flickering light of a dying lamp post, as the moon, once so warm, the same silver moon which used to carress me with gentle streams of moonlight, once so loving, sits in the sky, hard, cold, casting pale yellow beams down at me, as if it knows.(i miss you.)these walls, they filter the good out of everything, and has left me a miserable wreck of a man, a shade of the person i once was. i look at my calloused hands and close my eyes, and it all comes back. the walls in my mind refuse to let the memory out, the memory of a night in which i committed my most grievious sin.
she was beautiful. she was the angel of my dreams, and the queen of passion and love, and i loved her like no man ever could. when we were together, her tempestuous eyes would be latched on to mine, as we would gaze at each other under the stars, reading each others eyes without the need to talk. she was nineteen, but already she possessed a maturity beyond her years. she was beauty incarnate, and i loved every part of her, from her long silky black hair, to her shapely feet. it was all going to be so perfect, until that night. until the night i saw that man walk through her door, and watched it close behind him. as i stood there, i thought the worst of her; that maybe she was cheating on me! then i heard a shriek, a clatter, and all was silent once more. i ran from the kerb at which i stood, straight into the house, through the unlocked door. the walls, they surrounded me. i paused in the kitchen and armed myself with a knife before proceeding upstairs, and there she lay dead. her once lively, fiery eyes now blank, the hilt of a knife sticking out from her chest, blood spattered on the walls. the walls, i could not escape the walls, as u grabbed her, and held her still form close until a howl of fury built up in my throat, which drew her killer from a room. without a moments hesitation, i plunged the knife deep into his chest, going down, down, down and twisted it. this feckless worm had come to rob, and he robbed me of my love. i did not care that he was dead, did not care that his warm blood streamed in rivulets from his nose, and gushed from his chest like a bloody red spring, or that he had stopped struggling. i ran from that place, just ran, and eventually lay down in a swoon by the side of the road.
and here i am now. two nights later, with nothing to live for. i was a murderer, and now i realise; i have built these walls myself, to shut out emotion, whilst i drown in the inescapable guilt and sorrow. these walls will never let me be free or happy again.
a crumpled up piece of newspaper blows across the road, and the velvet dark cloak of the night throws itself upon everything. a cat meowls, and looks up at me, its yellow eyes almost challenging, its black coat blending into the night. i sit on an old cement chair, interspersed with graffiti and various markings undoubtedly left by the vandals. the light still flickers, and sometimes i am plunged into darkness, as is my mind, all light blocked out by those walls. the tread of feet coming closer along the deserted road breaks the silence, and then eventually fades away. probably just the echoes of a disenchanted lover, shuffling aimlessly home. i cradle the package i have been carrying in my arms like a child. a clock nearby chimes twelve times. it is time.
it looks like any ordinary package, but as i remove the brown wrapping from the box, i know it contains my only form of release. a chill wind blows, eating through my thin shirt, whispering into my ears, as hands with blood encrusted nails reach in, slowly, carefully, tenderly groping about the box until they reach the cold, metallic object within. the cat has leapt onto the bench by now, as the dark green leaves of the trees rustle, and they bend over, as if trying to grab at me.
this will set me free. after this, there will be nothing, my soul will be freed from the shackles of life and bondage to the body to fly among the stars. the walls will crumble, and i will be let loose once more. i hold the gun in my left hand, hesitating slightly, but steeling my resolve to block out that weakness, before i speak out my last words into the cold,lonely german night.
"ach du lieber *******, du weg, weg, weg."
it was from a favourite poem of mine, as i repeated it in english.
"oh my dear *******+, all is gone, gone, gone."
for indeed, everything was gone. all was lost.
+name hidden
i felt the cold muzzle of the gun press against my temple, like i felt the blood throbbing through the veins there. adrenaline surged through my body, while i heard distant sirens growing louder and louder. they were coming for me, the police. i blame it not on the killer, not on her, but on me. i blame my miserable plight, my sorrowful state, my woeful existence on the walls, for they have driven me to this. walls of guilt and sorrow, walls impermeable, unbreakable, yet so phantasmal, walls inescapable, walls existing in my mind. there were too many walls, and i yearned for freedom, as my finger tightened on the trigger, and in that millisecond, i saw her, smiling, beckoning towards me, my glowing beauty, and-
BANG!
the walls shattered, a cascading mass of broken glass falling onto the ground and disappearing. he was free, as the night grew less suffocating, and the moon cast her sweet yellow beams on him. she would rise again tomorrow, he would just fade into obscurity, another nameless man in a lonely world. a man free from the shackles of life, from the walls in his mind.
above his still frame, the light went out.
-akesh-
and if you want, maybe we can have a deer dance?
a deer dance refers to one of two things, its
a) my peculiar style of playing soccer down the flanks, and scoring from the sides, whilst mainly being a defensive player and running up and down the field many many times and so putting christian vieri, useless bastard #1 to shame
b) a slow dance with a special person...is a deer dance
deer are elegant little creatures, with spindly little legs for swift, graceful movement.
maybe ill go to acjc, apparently their drama is quite good there.
and maybe well have a deer dance,
someday.
hit the stars
