Thursday, September 02, 2004
- 10:38 pm
i figured it out.
in any case, today we had the english paper, and had to write an essay, etc. so i chose the topic on walls and wrote about a man who shot himself in the head following the death of his girlfriend. he was 21, and she was just 3 years younger than him. i hope the examiners like it - or im meat.
like the title says in any case, i figured it out. im probably not gonna find anyone i really like anywhere in singapore, but probably in britain or america, after the strange revelation that im strangely attracted to goth chicks and will probably eventually become attached to one, after watching two shows, about a boy which had this hot goth babe who wouldnt stop swearing and cussing and calling everybody bastards, with her long hair and her strange crazy outfits, and this other one on another show i saw who was just like her, with blonde black hair, black mascara, lipstick and nail polish, except this one didnt have the brit accent and broke tables by bashing her forehead into them. cmon man, these people live life up, and dont go for the stupid normal approach people take to life, they just take everything that wanna come up to them and tell them to shove it.
no, i dont expect anyone to understand, nor do i want to, ill figure out these strange intricacies woven by the threads of my strange mind, let these thoughts wander about till they find some purpose, which undoubtedly eventually they will. i dont want to go on like this right now, im not gonna accept things for how they are, because any person can change their stars - if they believe hard enough.
everything happens for a reason. and for people too scared to face up to what they feel, understand what they want, know what they need, or do what they want to do for fear of demolishing a carefully built up facade - too bad, cos you know that life is short, and you might as well try to do everything you want to do - nay, do everything you wanna do before you die, and these are things best shared with other people, so im gonna get a group of friends and were gonna go around the world and do everything there is to do, and somewhere along the way ill meet that punk goth chick with the black mascara and the cussing and the swearing, and then well die at the same time either from drug overdose, or grow old and retire after setting up a nature reserve and being its wardens, and god knows ill kill any fuck who tries to come near my animals. on the other hand i might just go to hollywood and do what i can in the drama scene before i die - but i must find that punk rock chick with the long messed hair.
its all so strange, writing again at night, like im a different person. like im tired of being someone else, like im 2 people in one, like i can snap and bite and be mean, and i can also go the other way and be gentle and kind and nice, although this is occuring less and less because there arent many alternatives when all life throws at you is bad, and slowly but surely you feel that bitterness building up inside you, because you know like frost told you, that nothing gold can stay, because youve seen the gold, youve felt the gold and you watch it leave you, and know it all goes without being able to do anything other than having your internals wrecked totally for the mere fact that you need to maintain outer appearances because nobody else can know, nobody else can ever know, because when they do - they try to invade your life and disrupt it, and all supposedly for the best intentions. and then you have to be optimistic and hold on to whatever passion you have in life, like i have for drama, and im pretty sure that without that ability to act, i would have died a long time ago, taking that jump - because my drama is most of my life to me, because i live and breathe it, because its a part of me, just like these words that release themselves from the confines of my mind constantly being emptied out in search for some answer, an answer not yet arrived, an answer whichll probably never be answered by me, but by someone else, or their actions. maybe it was all supposed to happen, maybe rending actions were fated to occur, maybe some were forced to suffer mental pain in order to learn the true meaning of suffering, maybe some of us do it to achieve nirvana- which happens to be my original sin as i will understand suffering, and will eventually die, through the deprivation of food from my body, eating only when i really need to so as not to collapse from exhaustion, because i need to learn suffering, to learn to cope with it in its highest form, because i never ever want what happened to ever happen again, because nobody deserves it - because its just not worth it, and nothing is.
thank you for teaching me suffering
thank you for teaching me hurt
thank you for everything.
aaja re
or i might be all wrong, and confused and not know what im talking about, because im so damn frustrated at everything that has ever gone wrong, and that short, short list of the only things thatve ever gone right, and all of them are past productions. because whenever something went wrong, i gave up and started again. i let go too easily, because nothing could really affect me, and then the whole thing changed, everything changed, and everything was different - but everything that was ever supposed to be anything was really nothing, a game, and like they said,
what it meant to me will eventually be a memory
but the sweetest memory yet, for it was a living dream, but all dreams end - and there is finality in everything, except the most lasting things - and for some people - there is no lasting. there cant be an end without a beginning, and i blame me for letting anything ever begin - i was wrong, always have been, and still dont give half a fuck, because ive fucked up every single day of my life, to most people, although its supposed to be going slow, and everythings supposed to be fly- nothing will ever be known. how could anyone understand things, beliefs which have twined themselves so tightly around my central nexus, my soul that they became a part of me? how could anybody understand that i live and breathe emotion, and that i can be emotion incarnate because i did it every day of my life up to now, and know well enough that its not much use hiding anything - and that i made a big mistake for trusting to readily, trusting every person in my life, meeting most people with open arms - a huge mistake, because devoting yourself completely to someone will eventually kill you if its not the same - like max said. im sorry for trusting just as i did, ill be proper now.
i really will.
hit the stars
