Friday, September 10, 2004
- 11:36 pm
my self righteous suicide
you wanted to.
you wanted to.
you wanted to.
then went and changed everything.
why have you forsaken me?
in your eyes forsaken me,
in your thoughts forsaken me,
in your heart forsaken me?
sigh.
and then there were the fairy godpeople, and there was yesterday, and although we dont officially have a fairy godperson 5 or fairy godperson X,youll still be my fairy godsibling regardless of anything.
i wish i knew what to do, i wish something could happen to make things better.
my sister caught a lizard and was asking what they ate. obviously she wantst to keep it as a pet, so i told her to feed it her leg hairs. she asked my mother to little effect, cos my mom just said they ate 'shit!' and went on to exclaim and protest at her keeping it as a pet (most of her pets die). i broke this mirror today, cos it was lying about, so my sister held it up and broke it by punching it really hard and it shattered all over the place, so i told her to tell our mom that she had looked into it too long, and the mirror so cracked.
theres nothing much more to say here, im back to my pyro ways, and more and more paper dies in the flame everyday, with today seeing the burning of seven sheets of of paper filled with writing, names and everything, and then the satisfaction of knowing your words are dying - just like you are.
no. theres too much to say and think about. i spent the whole day working robotically, i need to be me for a while - and we all need to express though some of you decide to suppress, or some of you encourage and then take away before the bloom of the flower. is it all some fault of mine? because if it is i wholly accept responsibility, for the fact that i dont know why everything is disappearing, why everything and everyone is going away and anything that ever mattered is dying - its all dying its all going; and father, if i have wronged - surely thou hast punished me enough? please. please, stop this. men arent the masters of their own fate; only the mindless mechanical are - not the thinking feeling people - and i wont suppress emotion, for whilst some may see it as weakness - oh fuck it, you can all see it for what you want, i understand it, and i am absolved from sin because i am born anew and i have come across realisation of old truths a long time ago, and he was right, frost was, nothing gold can stay. but somethings can. some things do stay forever, till you die, and even then memories live forever in the matter of the universe, and like they say - love never dies, because it forms a part of the life force on this living planet of ours till were so entangled in its forms we dont know what to do, an end up trying to suppress and downplay it - for if you realised that nothing - no, there is nothing now. how could there be -
sigh.
yesterday, all us fairy godpeople were online, and today i spoke to katling again. and qianqian and an an are doing well, although now theyre eating 2 pellets instead of 4, and shes not growing any taller (or so she claims- kat youve reached the height where you cant be an oompa loompa anymore. keep growing shumin, youll get there eventually)
but really.
how things have changed - again.
i cry when angels deserve to die
hit the stars
