revolucion de amor

angel

2010-03-15T13:40:00.003+08:00

these have been days i have not seen (felt) for nights. to the quiet solitude, i propose a toast; but solitude isn't so bad when its shared. the night skies have never been brighter (and not because of signal flares) nor have morning skies been darker, for they mark the end of that joyous sojourn you took through your thoughts.

in being yourself is the realness found; in expression, in action, in your art; for only then are you free. you limit the circumstances when this may be (oh judgmental society!), but when you recognise your shared insanity (or mutual, exclusive sanity. woof) its a kind of freedom as well. there is a return to being; and for that, thanks are duly accorded.

they have been lonely nights and magical walks; tales of leprechauns and people on horses (heah!), with yeu thaire, whats yer prefesshun's and wah kam eh ki ah's; with just a smattering of teh and a miao-ing dinosaur put to paper. im pretty sure we paid our league fees too. canis and ursa, majors and minors; scrappys and scoobys.

there are things you learn on quiet nights; like how to look to the stars for your answers; and how you see so much more when you look away. truly, they must be special for they refuse to look you in the eye; shining proudly down whilst you gaze ruefully back, losing yourself in the brightness of the night until you remember your presence of being and turn back. again, thank you. i have found more stars.

these have been unexpected days. i found the art of my heart in the heart of my art; and i've found myself again these past nights.

i hope you are okay.

fin

read the walls

2010-03-11T19:08:00.003+08:00

it rained today. for the first time in a long time, the rain fell down. sometimes i wonder where i'd be if i fell as often as the rain but i'll leave those thoughts to the future because they lack relevancy right now. as does everything else. then you start to think, and you tend to wonder about the what am i doing where am i going how am i gonna pull myself through this?'s that you find yourself in; and then they say that the answers to these questions are written in the stars. which is basically not an answer at all because they're not.

they can't have been written in the stars because they were never there. there is only one place these answers can seek refuge from the harshness of reality and that's the darkest place in the world; you'll find them written on the walls of your heart, to course through your veins when you discover them. if you want to.

then again these days are so hot you probably wouldnt be able to think even if you wanted to; so the rain provides blessed reprieve from this constant onslaught we've been subjected to.

i find myself writing aimlessly. there is no point to this. everything is becoming so artificial; the naturalness of the world slowly slipping away.

read the walls

fin

lose yourself

2010-02-20T10:30:00.002+08:00

long days pull themselves along; they do not know where they go but theyre sure they must be going somewhere. these are times crying out for renewal, when the spirit of the era decided to stop visiting these happy haunting grounds so where's the love now?

i don't know; i don't have all the answers anymore. the world is a bigger place now, and sky is more far away a place as its ever been. i don't actually know if its the world growing bigger or my growing smaller but hey; i guess thats the theme of the day- i don't know.

sometimes its good not knowing. go lose yourself.

fin

secrets

2010-01-18T00:26:00.003+08:00

it feels like my days of glory have come and gone, and now all that is left is this ache in my head. i have questions about the futility of being but these are queries that fall upon the deaf (and might i add nonexistent) ears of the sky. and the leaves always seem to whisper these forbidden things to the wind; maybe you should start talking more with other people but you find yourself growing increasingly reclusive; you know what you want but it is a peace that is becoming increasingly difficult for you to find.

i met pam that day. it was like something was missing in our speech; there was little left to say and little left to care about; but for a newly dead familiarity it was like nothing changed, except that by then everything had.

to that end, all you'll be left with are dim lights, cuban jazz and the startlingly black frames of trees framed against a purple, white or blue sky. purple works fine for me though; and we'll turn the jazz up, though just a little bit.

lips like morphine, killing the pain in my head, of the thousand sandstorms formed from days gone past

ill keep my dim lights. you can stay a secret better that way. then again, some people see well in the dark.

the end.

fin

silence

2010-01-04T10:40:00.002+08:00

i'm in class right now.

what is there that is left to say?
i don't know.

this unhappy silence.

fin

worldbreakers

2009-11-19T21:20:00.003+08:00

i break worlds open; look into them and feed the stars with stories of their incomprehensibility. the questions are always the same; in the big picture, where do we fit in? and then you figure that you don't really have to, because things are always much better this way. always. a floating entity in the voidless reality. it cannot be emptiness you look for; emptiness comes unlooked for within; where without everything else passes by in a frenzied blur; you stop and let things pass you for a while. don't really want to become a part of that mess, too many things happening to get caught up in. i'll live my own worlds, and my own words, thankyouverymuch.

im tired of these breaks in the earth. one day ill fall through the cracks just to see what there is to see, but not today. for now its time to make new nows. newness, newness. why does everything have to be new anyways. im returning to an old new. word on the street is its in vogue right now.

go figure

fin

goodbye

2009-11-15T23:26:00.002+08:00

there is a new kind of emptiness inside me.
i don't want to anymore; don't need it.

now to burn; burn the past away.

today was a day of cleansing; and there is renewal.
make new days; but keep your eyes on the sky.

goodbye.

fin

dead

2009-10-30T14:26:00.002+08:00

so we live.

this dying day has waited long,
in a world of wonderous deceit;
for the night to come,
with shining amour,
to consider if this be meet.

the paleness calling through the gloom,
reverberating through out the room,
and so was said the day we died,
was borne from death a new born lie.

the days of death have passed us by,
to live again, yes you and i,
for now light beckons from the north,
the golden star to guide us forth.

and whence from came this saving grace,
to save this world and make a place;
to live again, back from the dead,
to walk again, in mine own stead.

fin

new days

2009-10-26T23:21:00.002+08:00

these are new days; new songs of what was and old ways to what will be. sometimes you just gotta take things a step at a time to know where you're going, or you'll just end up lost. and its not nice being lost because then you gotta be found again and while you're out there hunting for yourself you lose the presence of being; and you miss everything that happens around you. to be a part of.

sometimes the nights are very different from what they used to be. darkness can mean many things; but secrets tend only to be as dark as the world around them. so sing your new realities and make your worlds the way you want them to be; because when everything else disappears, you'll still be left with that little piece of mind that you always intended to be yours.

make it a new day.

fin

saach

2009-10-25T18:44:00.002+08:00

oh my god i know this feeling.

this is not good. its not bad though.
never be afraid to make a new life. life is way too short; but where the days used to drip through my fingers they now stretch and hold themselves to new meaning and new joy. days worth looking forward to.

dilwale dulhania le jayenge

fin

sleepless

2009-10-09T09:30:00.003+08:00

night

o what great thing you are;
sleepless keeper of night!
silent watcher you be
o'er gates to solace
denying just reprieve
from burdensome being.

i trust in time this tiresome tryst
may find its end in the deepening mist;
to cloud the mind with an emptiness fair,
freed the thought from joy and despair.

left to the end to now concede
the battle lost; yet springs the seed
of thought afresh so it may seem
that all the world be left in dream.

o what great thing you are;
sleepless keeper of night,
let still be the form;
yet not still the light!

fin

still love

2009-09-21T20:59:00.004+08:00

we bleed our emptiness out onto the fabric of desolate reality. our naked souls, the eruptive temptations of the new day are hard to resist; but to desist is the greater course.

the post-rainy evening punctuated only by the sounds of drops drop drop across the vast distance of leaf to leaf, falling clear and pure drop drop the raw verdant beat which now drowns out the sinister beating of our own vacant hearts drop drop so we hold in our eyes new beginnings but we keep in our hearts old memories drop drop of the rain and the trees and the sky and the breeze. we live memories of the now again and again drop drop a new life with every drop that falls through our broken lives; to the next leaf, it knows not where it ends. but its true; some things don't die; like old promises they linger in the corners of your heart drop drop promises of uncut lines and unreturned books; things which stand for more than they are drop drop render you incapable of living new days caught up in the way things were. some things don't change.

drop drop.

p.s. and you know how everything means something; but its probably nothing. matter of perspective is all. you can keep the change though.

fin

lost meaning

2009-09-20T15:48:00.003+08:00

a lot of people think that i don't like stupid people. this is not true on its own. i don't like anyone at all (lah fuck). in fact the whole world is and you know how this line ends.

this day is bleak, cold and steely gray, yet the romantic irony of the night to come is not lost on me; cloistered as i will be in my little room, with a bit of light as the darkness falls around and i am left with my books and my mind; that i have brought upon myself in pursuit of more glorious things.

sometimes this solitude is hard to bear, sometimes the silence is a killer; just sometimes. but on days like this you remember what for and know that being your own person could be more preferable than waiting for newly awkward phone calls. could be.

there used to be a spark here. now it diminishes with the waning of the moon, to be lost forever. only thing is, the moon is reborn.

i am losing meaning.

fin

2009-09-08T23:21:00.002+08:00

"If by supporting the rights of mankind, I shall save from the agonies of death one unfortunate victim of tyranny, or of ignorance equally fatal, his blessings will be sufficient consolation to me for the contempt of all mankind."
- the marquis of bacaria

because today we dream different dreams. the ropes that once tied down our tomorrows are being cut loose, strand by strand; and i watch as the billowing future streams out into the night sky above.

i am lost; at the crossroads that lead to a thousand tomorrows.

and then there is this keen hollowness;
to which i want no further reparation.

p.s. I don't even remember the last call.
fin

path of love

2009-08-29T17:47:00.002+08:00

"he is not famous. it may be that when his life at last comes to an end, he will leave no more trace of his sojourn upon this earth, than a stone thrown into a river leaves on the surface of the water. yet it may be that the way of life he has chosen for himself may have an ever growing influence on his fellow men so that, long after his death perhaps, it may be realized that there lived in this age a very remarkable creature."
- r. somerset maugham,
the razors edge

pinky

fin

grounded

2009-08-01T23:51:00.002+08:00

i dont believe it makes me real.

and i guess for a while, i've been lost because i couldn't figure out why things happen any more. so i'll go back to old times, and old writings to find myself again.

its dark here. the night sky is free from the clouds that more often then not do their best to dim her splendour and the warm beams emanating from the silvery moon are scattered by the leaves rustling softly in their midnight sussurus. so there are some memories that go on, and some that fade away but tonight is a night for quiet reminiscence; and a night to forget. a cat slinks by, purring softly as it smoothes its way through the velvet folds of darkness; padding by on dew kissed grass.

sometimes i think the night comes to give us all solace from the searing reality of day and give us peace from the various travails of mankind. night is a time of utter serenity (in the right places), whether you're sharing a steaming mug of cocoa with a friend down by starbucks, or simply out in a quiet place to revel in all its stark beauty as defined by what light the stars decide to dole out; or when they shine out bright on good days. good days, old love, new memories and glorious renewal; of the self, the soul and the being.

so lifes like that. its about the now and why and not the how and then. and its passing by so quickly you almost forget that you're moving along with it; and it makes me wonder if we'll remember all the good times we had and all the beauty around us in years to come. if we're lying dying and wondering 'have i really lived?', i hope i die smiling. i love my friends. you all know who you are.

life loves pulling these kinda stunts on you. you think you getting it bad and then realise that its not so bad because the wind will always hold you and the sky will always love you. because there is a meaning to things, there is, and never forget that its just beyond the horizon- and i am glad for that.

mamavatu sri sarasvati

so lets not forget about the really important things in life; the things that really matter- things that dont have to parade behind superficial masks of importance. lets remember that life is about so much more than this corporeal phantasm we'll never grasp; life is about beauty and passion, life is about love. lets think of the people suffering in palestine and israel and send them hope from our souls; because we have so much and they have so little.

and as we wind on down the road
our shadows taller than our souls

and now that night has slain our shadows,
lets be free

mamavatu sri sarasvati
kamakoti peta nivasini
komalakara saroja drita veena
seematita vara vak
vibhushani
rajadiraja poojita charane
rajiva nayane
ramaniya vadane
sujana manorata poorana chature
nijaguna shobhita manimaya haare
ajabhava vandinta
vasudeva
charanarchita sakala veda sara
-susheela raman-

stairway to heaven
fin

too much

2009-07-10T21:17:00.005+08:00

sometimes i feel like i've seen too much; more than i've ever wanted to.

for everything that has happened theres always been one question; to what end? and the answer is always the same- to none. its sad how we all struggle to find meaning to life when the simple reality is that i guess there really isn't any. so lets keep the blindfolds on, the champagne pouring and just keep living the dream.

i guess its all to do with this immuration in time; because it eventually reveals the immutable flaws in the preconceived permanence of our own idealistic notions.

i used to think i found reason, but i hate how stories fly around and how different things are now; stories we told ourselves of things that never were.

tumhen mil gaye pyaar ke sau bahaane

i dont want anything any more.

fin

missing

2009-06-28T14:02:00.001+08:00

this deep, dark melancholy.

going to extremes
(where i wanna be)

fin

no calls

2009-06-26T00:48:00.001+08:00

too much to be said, left unsaid.

chaaaaaaaaaaaarlieeeeeee

the silence is a killer.

fin

depression

2009-06-18T20:04:00.003+08:00

its that deep black pit in the middle of your soul
that tears you and pulls you in!
for when you wake up with a fright
in the middle of the night
you come face to face with your sin

maybe life ain't what it seems,
cos its all a dream.

forgive me.

fin

the rain

2009-06-17T19:24:00.003+08:00

when it rains, another part of me opens up.

to see the pastel colours of the world swabbed away
and redone in tones of metallic blue and dark gray
with ominous black lining the rim of the horizon
you'd think the world'd be a bitter place but hark!
the grass remains yet green (with just a bit of purple)
in anticipation of what is to come.

and the breeze brings the heavy scent of rain with it;
to be drawn in and felt;
the essence of rain in the spirit of man.
the wind is howling now,
and i am alone on this gravel road.
around me there is nothing but
the tall grasses that make here, here,
and up ahead a windmill.
i could settle here for a while.

thunder rolls across a leaden sky before;
silence.
something is about to happen.

the first drops are always markers,
testing the limits of the fall.
where they land is where they embrace the earth;
where the land kisses the sea beyond the limits
of what we were told they were.
don't listen to them.
the song of the rain falling down from the sky
is the only music i need.

the heaviness in my heart empties with the clouds.

fin

tears

2009-06-17T18:41:00.001+08:00

the world is not worth your tears.

i am lost.

fin

adrenaline

2009-06-12T15:01:00.003+08:00

so here we are.

and then reality hits you; in the knowledge that all that was and everything you thought was real really meant nothing at all. you stand and let the wind strip away everything that was old and make newness from the nothing there was before. when the 'right thing to do' doesnt feel right you know the that the sky'll come falling down in your head anyways.

this is it; where you'd want to be. everywhere and nowhere at the same time, lost in your own mind. i guess theres no turning back from here, and i won't. i am left with words to burn into reality.

too much is not enough;
nobody said this stuff makes any sense

now i got it all to do. so lets make this work; and we'll be burning poetry tonight.

the end with pam

2009-06-12T02:43:00.004+08:00

theres nothing here any more.

see if i give a damn.

fin

go figure

2009-06-12T00:32:00.001+08:00

so i love you. go figure.

in darkest deepest coldest night
they ran a path towards a light
to realise twas no light at all
but a firefly perched on the wall

its red brick burnt and charred yet still
from humanities dearth and loss of will
in face of peril still it glowed
its stood there bright resolve unbowed

what hope was found was lost withal
till a voice came forth, its clarion call
children stay awhile and fear me not
twas never ill intentioned what love begot

what fate deals out we must receive
and beg not now for just reprieve
just run on steadfast in the night
yet always keep this hope in sight

that burden borne is what was earned
every fall is a lesson learned
but stand up right and keep love strong
and hold your tears back with my song

i hold your hearts within my light
tis that which makes my hope so bright
keep your faith and so set free
they who might not stumble 'pon me

they ran on now with hope renewed
to breaking dawn and leaves now dewed
to warm crimson flows, serendipity
lives now free from antipathy

and as it flew away
into the night sky
they silently loved
the firefly.

fin

2009-06-10T00:00:00.000+08:00

21.

the end

2009-06-04T14:14:00.005+08:00

now come new times.

when i woke up in the middle of the morning this last evening i think i figured what made this wakening so timely. i will never forget the bitter coldness of that night; will never forget the melancholy songs what whistled in the wind.

and whence from came this saving grace,
to save this world and make a place;
to live again, back from the dead,
to walk again, in mine own stead.

fin

talk

2009-05-28T20:30:00.002+08:00

every day is a constant reminder of why we must talk; and why it was so good when we were. everybody in the world is stupid except the two of us.

who else can you really talk to?

fin

it shouldnt be this way

2009-05-27T17:25:00.000+08:00

going back a month; everything was so very different.
afternoon and evening conversations; connection
and it was perfect.
i don't know how i'm supposed to answer these calls/questions any more.

it shouldn't be this way

kill me.

fin

raffles

2009-05-27T16:05:00.000+08:00

Eugene Wijeysingha, former Headmaster and author of “The Eagle Breeds A Gryphon”, describes the Rafflesian Spirit as:

“…the feeling of belonging to a great and magnificent institution, of sharing in everything it stands for, of being aware of everything it stands for, of being aware of everything going on ground. It is a moral quality which has grown out of the ethos of Raffles Institution, a sense of togetherness that cannot be readily sacrificed. It is a force that binds and inspires one to give of one’s best, to strive for nothing less than what one possibly can.

The feeling, like all emotions, is abstract and intangible. It is experienced only when one becomes involved in the life of Raffles, when there is commitment of time and effort. Only then does it enter the bones. Only then can it be fathomed. Only then does it take possession, and drive on to heights unimaginable. It is an awesome phenomenon which has become the life-blood of Raffles.”

-from Dep Headmaster Magendirans note,
The Rafflesian Spirit: A Compelling and Transforming Experience

fin

day by day

2009-05-24T19:30:00.003+08:00

last night was awesome with maverick dyana suraj and bai.
went and partied; fought and had the times of our lives.
ended it off with a buncha videos outside, for facebook;
on maverick spilling tomyam, the other blood, that girl and other things.

dealin with things a day at a time.

fin

whissie

2009-05-23T00:16:00.004+08:00

fifi i love you. figo i love you. naomi i love you. tigger, socks, pepper, leia i love you all. i love you ginger. and i miss you all so so much. and now when i need all of you, to hold and hug and kiss and love, i can't. i miss you all so much, and i will love you forever. especially you whissie; you were beautiful. you will always be in my heart.

you always made me happy

fin

the aware letter

2009-05-22T12:49:00.002+08:00

Dear Sir,
It is with amazement that I read Dr Thio Su Miens letter "Gay activists a key constituency of Aware", published on the 18th of May 2009. As a responsible heterosexual member of the public, I feel that it is my duty to respond to her diatribe.

I find the fact that Dr Thio believes that Aware are pushing a pro-homosexual agenda terribly disturbing. To my knowledge, the homosexual lobby in Singapore have never had any political agenda, focusing instead on their right to acceptance in society for who they are, and as noted in the recent 'Pink Dot' gathering, on their right to select their own partners. It is a matter of deep concern that so distinguished a member of our society should display such intolerance towards the sexual inclinations of others. As a law student myself, I find it equally disturbing that a former dean of our law faculty, who must in her time have taught many of our current lawyers to critically appraise what they are told as facts of evidence, should now hold such bigoted and inflexible views herself.

Also, it is deeply disconcerting to note that Dr Thio believes that homosexuality be viewed as negative in the education system. The fact that Aware took a neutral stance when dealing with the issue, is highly laudable. It is with great pride that I say that as a Singaporean, one of the key social values I was taught during my school days was that of acceptance. Education is not about skimming over what some might deem as unpleasant fact, but about giving youth information and the power to make informed decisions over the course of their lives.

I do not understand how the CSE manual's description of anal sex, conditions the minds of teenage students towards acceptance of homosexuality when this is also practised by heterosexuals in the privacy of their own homes. Is Dr Thio oblivious to this fact? To immediately equate the two with one another is a direct admission of an agenda against the homosexually inclined.

The old guard received the vociferous support they did not because it was among their aims to promote a homosexual agenda, but merely because they accepted that certain people were inclined differently. As a 'discerning Singaporean' who has also examined the evidence in print and online accounts, I have come to the conclusion that the purpose of the 'ex-new exco' was to attack a group of people whose sole intention lay in obtaining acceptance of their status as people and not as societal non-grata. If we were to accept her argument that the old guard had a homosexual agenda, then we must also accept that Dr Thio and the group she claimed to have mentored, had an agenda based solely on their religious beliefs. This is eminently borne out by their pastors statement on the pulpit calling on his congregation to support the 'ex-new exco'.

I have always been under the impression that all religions were inclusive, and not exclusive, of human frailties. Given the plural nature of Singapore's society, it is unthinkable that a group consisting of people from a single racial background pushing a single religious agenda, represent the views of our racially diverse and secular populace. We have always been an accepting and tolerant society. The outcome of the whole 'Aware Saga' fills me with hope that we will remain so.

Akesh Abhilash

we should all live in silence

2009-05-21T15:51:00.001+08:00

and god would know that you do not lie. we live in a mess, too many lives about so many objectives, personas and beliefs such that they cross and double cross and triple cross and get tangled up in the infinite length of their being, knotted and pulled to such tautness that we live in constant fear of the final snap, a culmination of our accumulated insecurities and idiocy when time ends and all hearts stay still, and not for want of love.

we should all live in silence.

fin

silent living

2009-05-21T15:34:00.002+08:00

at the end of the day what do you really know? nothing that is; but yourself, to push yourself to the extremes of your ability and revel in the fact that its you and nobody else is ever gonna even come close to being that person. a collection of thoughts, images, jumbled up memories and words clatter down into the expansiveness of the mind- only to burn- flames that burn and crisp and blacken and destroy- fire that cleanses and heals whilst breaking from what was and is; and everything in between.

nothing is the way it really is- our somethings are purely materialistic and truthfully nothing; whilst the nothings; virtues of kindness and the backup for those without- lacking so inherently everywhere- and then forget it; be careless in the non conventional sense and move on as yourself; but being everywhere with everyone you need to be with- and sometimes you realise that person is you and you alone; who could understand your thoughts better than you? carbon copies of the self are hard to find; yet when found- rendered incompatible by some cruel twist of fate yet forget all that; its unimportant- what needs to be remembered is the will to carry on forever and never. for i were to break everything and make mine my life- and that is; was done; oh so long ago, back from the start.and so here we are once again; standing at the crossroads, an impasse between tiramisu and chocolate cake. smells like something's got a decent alcohol level in it; with some teen spirit to go; tiramisu it is.

fin

deus ex nihilista

2009-05-19T15:30:00.004+08:00

and i know you won't forget our deal,
and i know that you'll never forget that kiss.
goodbye.

still waiting for my graveyard train

deus ex nihilista

fin

melting

2009-05-19T15:03:00.002+08:00

maybe its time to take a break from the conventional and make a break for the radical. im down with that.

its too fuckin hot these days. so imma stay indoors with my nirvana lounge and a glass of iced anything and do what we do; you dont need to wait for calls to know theyre comin. the broken glass on the floor leaves bloody trails where you walk; and we've left these damn trails all over my life and i still dont know where theyre going.

everything is melting. lets get fucked up

fin

what when why

2009-05-17T17:11:00.003+08:00

these things i see are from beyond my vision; for lying awake and truthful sleep. these are the million thoughts of my creation; and they keep me awake at night. these are times when its not good to think as constantly as you do.

these things i hear are unspoken words from beyond any hearing. too many parallels in unrelated universes; but nobody knows where the wind blows from round these parts and this walk through the darkness is just what it is- a walk.

slowly these old new parts are slipping away and the new oldness returns. yet through everything there remains a single constant.

i do not laugh,
i do not cry;
but only you know
when, what and why.

fin

black and gold

2009-05-17T12:55:00.002+08:00

and the stars fell out of the sky
and my tears rolled into the ocean
now i'm looking for a reason why
you even set my world into motion

'cause if you're not really here
then the stars don't even matter
now i'm filled to the top with fear
but it's all just a bunch of matter
'cause if you're not really here
then i don't want to be either
i wanna be next to you
black and gold

i looked up into the grey sky
and see a thousand eyes staring back
and all around these golden beacons
i see nothing but black

i feel a way of something beyond them
i don't see what i can feel
if vision is the only validation
then most of my life isn't real

fin

deal with it

2009-05-15T14:25:00.004+08:00

sometimes i wonder who i am and where i'm going; and then i realise its all to do with where i'm from. your past holds secrets which whisper meaning to you in the dead of the night; and then you know, or you think you know until such time comes as change throws your questions back at you. you'll find your answers eventually; and then you'll realise that you had them all along. i dont like hanging around in shadows; waiting for things to happen. this is how it is, so deal.
i am a secret. your secret. but i dont like it.

if you want it, go get it.

im on my way

fin

revelation

2009-05-12T19:15:00.001+08:00

finally.

main ishq uska

revelation; and happiness.

fin

smart bastard

2009-05-11T09:54:00.002+08:00

damn this is so stupid.

akesh abhilash; not givin' a fuck since 1988.

fin

who

2009-05-11T00:34:00.006+08:00

i guess this is how it is.

im not so worried about the way the world works any more because we make our own worlds. Its about being happy and being in touch with yourself and who you are; because thats what makes you, and you make the people around you.

my name is akesh abhilash. i was born about 21 years ago in the middle of the night (11pm) on the 10th of june in 1988 and i've lived every day of it trying to understand who i was and my place in the world. i think/hope i know this now; and this is how it is.

i do lots of stuff. i like to read a lot and salman rushdie is my favourite author. im also a die hard Liverpool man and can play anywhere on the field but love the wings because nothing beats the feeling of bursting down the wing and cutting into goal or a well delivered cross. i write a lot of poetry and have been an actor for most of what i can remember; the stage is where im most comfortable because there you throw away all your facades and walls and you are finally you. on the stage (and on the phone. but only with one).

ive lived in too many places. i was born in singapore and lived in spanish village; but then we moved to the UK, and then paris before coming back to sunset way where i lived for 13 beautiful years and one terrible one, clementi park condo during the renovation before heading to a condo in bishan opposite skool for my j2 year and then to the tessarina in bukit timah where i live now. i attended raffles institution before graduating and heading to raffles junior college. now im in singapore management university doing law and i guess this is what im gonna do. i have the best friends (james, maverick, dipak) and more girlfriends than i can remember though i never loved any of them but then again never said anything to show as much. its so difficult because the rest of the world is so different; with different ideas and thoughts and ideals; nobody else sees things the same way; except one, who is gone, and sometimes i feel so alone.

i dont know what my plan in life is right now. its nice to have plans and all but sometimes you realise theyre just hopes and dreams and you gotta make your own realities. right now, after decisions, its to become an international lawyer and fly all over the world; i want to see everywhere and know everything. there was a time when i thought about love and partnership but its pretty much bullshit; i think ill do fine on my own. i guess its my bad; sometimes you meet the right person but its just the wrong time; but these things happen just once or never at all and that time has passed. how often is it that you match so perfectly with another? but like i said; i guess ill do fine on my own.

in the future i guess ill want a big house with a beautiful garden; 2 dogs (a german shepherd and a collie), a cat and a big aquarium. one day ill buy a lamborghini diablo because thats my dream car. and ill work hard and make sure it happens. ill travel the world fighting my cases and putting down serbian/african warlords in international courts, meet clients and change things. i want to see the world and help the poor. nobody deserves hunger. i want 2 kids (a boy and a girl) but i dont want any other partner. so no kids then. i will make these things happen. this is what i dedicate my life to. i dont think i want anybody else in my anyways.

i'm only gonna live once. so i'm gonna burn bright; and make sure nobody forgets me. especially you.

live fast, die young. we all disappear eventually, anyways.

fin

the lost boys at sentosa

2009-04-27T00:23:00.009+08:00

saturday night at sentosa was a blast; cafe del mar and the beach till six. the lost boys live, and the king is back.

long live us.

fin

if you promise [reposted]

2009-04-25T14:29:00.001+08:00

its now, in the cold darkness, that the desolation hits you. the solitude of the expansive night, like the sky over the vast stretches of constructed nothing we have construed from the fabric of our reality. a chill wind blows through, caressing, inviting a reunion with the essence of being. there are no stars this night, obscured as they are by the clouds, no rain; only silence.

to have had somebody, shared the entirety of being with; gave some reason to reasonless existence; because there was emotion, and it was pure; and it was something out of the nothing. something to centre life around, to take care of, to protect, to dream with. but circumstances were as they were; and had to give that up. for pride, for folly, for love. what is no longer there; but yet, the glimmer of flickering light, pure, brilliant and beautiful. and so, now, in the bitterness of the empty dark, there is no comforting voice at the other end of the line to assuage this grief, this love burns inside. no longer for what was, for what isn't. there is no solace from the night this time, only the quiet air of untrammeled sorrow.

silence/harmony/artifice/reflection/nihilism

the light in my room is darker than the gloom outside. i am a shadow, flitting from thought to thought, unexpressed expressions protesting, heaving in turmoil within the confines of my insignificance. love is blind until you find something more. love is blind until you see the irrepressible beauty in another being. love is something more than the nothing everything else is. to love is to share.

the silence is broken by the movement of the clouds; and soft whispers of moonlight ease their way down through the sussurus of leaves once more.

tum agar saath dene ka vaada
if u promise to be by me forever

fin

aware

2009-04-24T22:04:00.003+08:00

this whole aware thing is bloody ridiculous. its a womens group which had its leadership usurped by a bunch of born again christian fundamentalists (they should actually be called subnormentalists) who have been going on and on saying that aware was promoting rampant homosexuality and accepting it with open arms when in fact all it was doing was promoting an open and accepting society a.k.a a progressive modern society free from stupid fucking religious dogma based on some village squabbles and god asking abraham to kill his own son (what kind of god is that anyways? "yo abe, kill your son. why? aww cmon do it for shits and giggles. and if you dont ill be angry and kill you and everyone just for kicks. do it bitch." god is just like man. in fact he is modelled after man. vicarious, greedy, power hungry and constantly demanding worship and obeisance. and if you're born again he also wants your money. so exactly what god is there, pray tell? youre better off with a jug of peyote and 3 seasons of barney the dinosaur on tape). but yeah.

the current exco of AWARE in singapore disgust me. they go about saying homosexuality is negative, is wrong but seriously speaking who the fuck are they to dictate how other people live their lives? like shut the fuck up and go do your own thing. just because you look like a bunch of 45 year old virgins with faces only a mother could love (seriously. have you seen them? _____ will agree with me when i say that if we looked like them we would die.), but on a more serious note come on. leave them alone. so what if people are gay or lesbian. are you? no? then shut the fuck up and worry about your own shit.

jesus. surely, today, someone must die.

fin

stupid malaysia

2009-04-24T22:00:00.004+08:00

you idiot
i was supposed to tell you on saturday.

otherwise you know everything

fin

renewal

2009-04-23T00:17:00.003+08:00

met maverick at windy corner. just got home.
we talked about a lotta stuff. settled a buncha issues.
no point being like this. its stupid.
dhurrga will come on saturday.
maverick and dyana dhurrga wilson and hema ash and tt girl, krinesh pavithra godfrey dipak and i. tomorrows last day in camp.

havent had much deep too say. drained emotionally, for very, very stupid reasons.

im out.
this was stupid from the day i fell. time to start again.

fin

i am

2009-04-21T03:02:00.003+08:00

akesh abhilash. 20 and a buncha months.

for all the things ive written there've been a thousand things that remained unwritten; not lost but still hanging around, somewhere. and all the things ive seen, people ive known, i know- lives lived and lives lost.

aandhkaara

saturday is coming. and every day that leads up to it i feel pieces of me coming back together, a walking mess of conflicting realities that are falling into place, waiting for saturday. saturday when everything happens.

saturday.

i am the thousand dreams of our singular reality.
i am the endless expanse of time.

i am.

fin

surprises

2009-04-20T05:34:00.003+08:00

okay. lets do this. too much to say.

saturday

the return

fin

liberation; and night

2009-04-13T01:55:00.004+08:00

i find that almost all my writings are done at night. at night the sky is true, real. you see the stars and worlds around that were hidden by the daytime sun.

where there is openness, there is quiet. you find a grassy hillock in a quiet space in the dead of night, let the clouds pass and leave the sky open; you'll find meaning. a passing shower; the light drizzle against your skin reminds you with every breath of cool wind that you are alive, opens your heart to the world around you, opens you up to become a part of what is; and then yourself.

i was named for the night sky, and am glad of it. its beauty holds me to he meaning of being, and reminds me of love and simplicity.

the tears rolling down my cheeks are not mine.

in a sense, the night sky liberates me.

fin

i wanna be next to you

2009-04-13T01:33:00.000+08:00

the worlds done gone and changed a fair bit since the last time we woke up and decided to open our eyes, but then again blind man is a game for people with long termism in mind because the next thing you know you're seeing again, but everyone you thought you knew was gone. so heres to the old cast of the world and another toast to the new because bush is gone and nixon is dead but we're still living our merry old lives so lets not give a damn about that anymore and look back to the future.

sometimes you're stuck in something thats been there for so long; but for the sake of having things the way they are you live with it because change? change is scary man but dude you wouldnt have any spare to give a poor ol' stranger wouldya? mans gotta eat. which happens to be precisely what that mafia boss dude told mr 'ooh look im so cool wearing sunglasses but i wear them at night too so i must be an idiot' contract killer when he paid him to whack the next guy but then again who'm i kidding i just cant say it.

black and gold

it shouldnt be this way

fin

i love her

2009-04-11T05:34:00.007+08:00

hey.

goodnight.

P.S. i would give my life to you too.
P.P.S. and it breaks my heart every day.
P.P.P.S. stupid boy. you're not supposed to feel this way

fin

thriving ivory

2009-04-07T21:22:00.001+08:00

Don't tell me if I'm dying,
cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun,
maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming,
of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know,
never leaves too soon

fin

home

2009-04-06T03:09:00.002+08:00

"well, here i am. and for the first time in a long time, im me. talking to the sky off blades of dewy grass. soaked by the rain and holding the elements close to my heart. i dont know. no pretenses, no facades.

have you ever seen the way
the night takes the day
leaving nothing to chance
in their daily romance

i came home and sat by the pool for a while and i talked to the sky. and i talked about the world, and pain and humanity; and then i left my body, and i saw everything. and i think i finally understand the human condition. its beautiful. so we're letting the cables sleep, just for tonight.

i am."
-Nov 3 2006

i remember writing this. it was a still november night back in 2006; i'd just gotten back from a rehearsal and was walking home when i suddenly realised how beautiful the night was. it was right then when i truly realised how alone we are; how to still my heart and become a part of everything. since then i've been lost for so long its been hard finding where i stand but i think im getting there.

its three twenty-one after midnight but i cant sleep. its just that right now, i need to write. god its been so long. the last time was that november night i closed my eyes. theyre opening again.

i'm coming home.

fin

and then, there was you

2009-04-06T02:40:00.003+08:00

o loveless life, o unhappy hour,
so the beating heart brought forth the flower
that blooms where wishes and cherished dreams
make space for another amidst tangled reams

of lives that twist and twirl away
to seek out now the light of day
trapped in the night of dark dismay;
the guttering thought,
the broken way.

o miserable breaking lonesome speck
o songless bird, o quaking wreck
o shadowy song of covering clouds
o broken heart, o shapeless shroud,
still your quest!
to breathe into us, the luckless lot,
through destitute despair, a rampant rot.

till such time comes the night must fall
and cast its dark cloak 'pon us all.
so with final flourish and a bow to the wind,
you look to the north and make up your mind
till back in the west, a light yet true
for too of a many to make two of a two

and then, there was you
and then, there was you.

fin

the clue

2009-04-06T02:39:00.000+08:00

i last did this in 2006. time to find out how much has changed.

1. how old did you wish you were?
im happy with my age. its all good; im 19 till i die.

2. where were you when 911 happened?
i forgot. dont really care.

3 what do you do when vending machine steals your money?
vending machines are good to me.

4 do you count yourself kind?
how do you count yourself? you can count yourself as a person but not as an attribute.

5 if you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
a dragon on my back.

6 if you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
hindi. never got the hang of it.

7 do you know your neighbours?
my neighbours are all either 4 or 40. no in betweens. in sunset i knew almost everybody, but everybody knew me.

8 what do you consider a vacation?
foreign country, good company.

9 do you follow your horoscope?
hahaha what kind of idio- oh you. sorry

10 would you move for the person you love?
yeah i would.

11 are you touchy feely?
are you fouchy teely?

12 do you believe that opposites attract?
sometimes, maybe, depending on the weather.

13 dream job?
wildlife photographer/actor.

15 favorite place to go on weekends?
anywhere beautiful with good company.

16 showers or baths?
jacuzzis

17 do you paint your nails?
not any more. i used to paint em black, for kicks.

18 do you trust people easily?
no, not anymore. only a few people.

19 what are your phobias?
I FEAR NOTHING but cockroaches kill me.

20 do you want kids?
i think so. a boy and a girl.

21 do you keep a handwritten journal?
yeah, sometimes. but i always end up burning them. yknow how it is, all this dramatic razzmatazz.

22 where would you rather be right now?
sunset way

23 who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?

24 heavy or light sleeper?
very very heavy. hard to fall asleep and harder to wake.

25 are you paranoid?
no paranoia. but i like being tidy, even though my room is not.

26 are you impatient?
VERY

27 who can you relate to?

28 how do you feel about interracial couples?
race and religion are just lines drawn to divide people.

29 have you been burned by love?
i dial 995 when i think this about to happen

30 what's your favorite pick-up line?
pick up lines are for stupid people

31 what's your main ringtone on your mobile?
keeps changing. right now its california vacation by the game.

32 what were you doing at midnight last night?
drinking too much

33 what did the last text on your cellphone say?
Gona plaY Footbal dnt knw whether pple playin -james

34 whose bed did you sleep in last?
dipaks

35 what color shirt are you wearing?
beige and red, topshop

36 most recent movie you watched?
i dont even remember. sweet jesus

37 name five things you have on you at all times.
a pair of boxers, my wallet, my handphone, my ipod nano and house keys.

38 what color are your bedsheets?
some intricate reddish maroon design.

39 how much cash do you have on you right now?
45 bucks?

40 what is your favorite part of the chicken?
chicken is boring

41 what's your favorite town/city?
its a three way tie between venice, honolulu and rio de janeiro.

42 i cant wait till...?
im pretty much happy taking things one step at a time.

43 what did you have for dinner last night?
i dont do dinner very often.

44 do you own a gun?
no. guns are bad

45 what do you prefer to drink in the morning?
apple/orange juice.

46 where do you think you'll be in 10 years time?
in a court of law defending some schmuck, with a damn good secretary.

47 last thing you ate?
roasted lamb rack

48 what songs do you sing in the toilet?
john lennon and maroon 5

49 last thing that made you laugh?
a phone call

50 worst injury you've ever had?
ankle injuries from football.

51 does someone have a crush on you?
does someone think i give a fuck?

52 what's your favorite candy?
dark chocolate

53 what song do you want played at your funeral?
i will never die.

54. four random people to do this
maverick, wilson, dipak. yeah i know it says four. there are four.

you just cant see one of 'em.

fin

driving

2009-04-04T01:56:00.003+08:00

driving was awesome fun

we were the fastest

fuck the black car

i am happy

dont stop calling.

fin

silence

2009-03-18T23:00:00.002+08:00

"Suddenly, there is light and clarity
amidst the darkness of this
mind; a spark, glimmering faintly,
before it is, once more, engulfed
by the thickening, choking, velvet
black of silence.

the silence is a killer."
-29/5/08

a friend once told me to stay single and mingle. i guess it was pretty good. it gave me time to think, time i never had. 3 years of getting over, 2 years of ins, outs and roundabouts; and here we are.

you know how it is. old skools cool.

lookin back on a's

2009-03-11T22:24:00.003+08:00

i remember telling myself that if i didnt get A's for gp and literature that id kill myself. looking back, perhaps i shoulda done the same for econs and history.

i need to return to myself. it isnt long in coming.

fin

the lost boys

2009-03-10T08:02:00.003+08:00

without warning, we are plunged into the vastness of the world. the silence can be a killer; but there is a beauty to it, in solitude.

sometimes the best way to find yourself is to simply stop moving, and for a while; let the world pass you by. revel in the glory of your silence while watching the parts of the world fall into place until, like the last pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, you fall down too. perhaps thats how everything else came into being, how the world was made. first there was sky, and down fell the earth and mountains and trees and birds and animals. and then, as an afterthought, and probably on a whim, us. back then we could all take falls. we'd hit the ground and bounce up again like optimistic bastards. nowadays we just die. its more than the weight of gravity pressing down on your neck this time, bub. listen up, listen carefully, or don't listen at all; find your beat in the rhythm of things. Glory eternal, in the heart of your art.

your silence cannot last. the worlds turning is punctuated by these episodes of silence, these bit of time gone wrong. it shouldn't be this way sang ormus cama. it shouldn't be this way. your silence cannot last; it will culminate in an expression of your being, the painting of your song on a canvas stage. here we go; here they come, here comes the rebel, the anarchist, the nihilst; and then its not about being who they are- it is for being your own and answering to nothing other than the rationality of your own mind. being who you are.

sometimes you lose your way and cannot find the solace you seek, keep hearing the whispers of broken promises that were what were, the soft tread, the fatal finality of each footstep creeping up to hold you like an unknown lover. and so, we stand still. the moon must show herself, eventually, through this night of silence. then again, in the expansive desert of the world, you don't know if you'll ever be found.

we are, after all, the lost boys.

fin

teleyaaros

2009-03-04T16:13:00.005+08:00

so here we are. the world around us has changed a fair bit, and the global economy got smashed to pieces since good ol' bubba bush wanted to go out with a bang. same old white people. let the white guy mess up, then get the black guy to clean out his mess. and if he cant do it get the mexican dude with the funny hair. then again, with things so expensive it might be cheaper to just go for the asian alternative. i heard that theyre all made in taiwan and delhi by 4 year olds. good old asians. we deserve a pat on the back for becoming so innovative and efficient we just nip in and take all the jobs from them white people. last i heard, Col Sanders real name was Sanders Tan Lim How. and ronald mcdonald? please. its common knowledge that hes really mas selamat in disguise. we seem to be getting good at all this job-thievery, along with that other family favourite asian pastime, reproduction. then again, no vespa, no colour tv, no husband. and even if you make it, its always great to have the traditionally warm hand-over-the-jewellery-or-its-kerosene-dousing-time welcome by the in-laws (usually mother). damn its good to be an indian bride. marry one of our fine range of indian husbands today and we'll even throw in a free sari when we toss your bedraggled form into your husbands funeral pyre. sorry, no refunds.

last time i checked, the teletubbies closed shop since the network found the cheaper indian version showing free to air on zee tv; and since the little kids never really understood anything of what was being said (honestly how different is eh-oh and namaste in terms of making sense. in fact eh-oh sounds like a cow having an orgasm.), i guess 'teleyaaros' went on to become a smash hit. foondo-fundo-funtoosh yaar. dishoom. must've had something to do with amitabh bachan being the face of the sun, but then again most people start looking lovable after one or two bottles of whiskey. theyre always smiling and jolly. then again i dont know if whiskey has any effect on amitabh, last i heard he'd beaten the crap outta chuck norris. still i suspect it was really more of the magic of rangge-berengy, dupeta, lellu and pooja fighting all the time that enchanted them kids.

i dont know why i do these things.

oh, by the way hi ariel.

fin

secrets

2009-03-04T15:56:00.006+08:00

sometimes the words come to you; find you on their own through the darkness of the night. other times they are hard to grasp at, like pieces in the wind but you know theyre there. you just need to find them.

there is reality. and then there are realities.

sometimes you have to leave the past behind to find yourself, and where you stand. to shed the layers of history from your person; to reveal a new oldness that had been hidden for too long. and sometimes you are changed, denied reality because this is the way its always been, this is how it'll always be, this is who i've always been (with). you deny yourself reality.

given that you only live once (unless your hindu and get reincarnated as a tapeworm. but id want to be a wolf) you'd hate to waste possibility in just accepting what is. challenge; stand up. freedom to be oneself is the only real freedom.

so there we were, shocked and who knows what else, and all for unexpected unexpectedness. you know how it is when everything seems just right; too right, then its perfect until you learn that no; things dont work that way; that we aren't all as loveless as we think we are, and suddenly, silence. you wonder if it was a mistake you made, and when you're done thinking, months later you get smacked in the face by the unexpectedly inevitable contact; and the phone keeps ringing (but fortnightly only. no promises.). and then you wonder how you deal with this.

so here i am and here we go. but its not gonna be a tell-all, no sirree. you take what light there is in the world; hold hope and love as lights that either guide or blind. then again, some people see well in the dark.

there are no hi's or hello's in this writing, nor highs and lows. but what there is is constancy.

how you are capable of replicating my thoughts, my nuances i do not know; how now i am at a loss. what do you do when you are in a dolorous nothingness? you take the stars in your tangled hair and you set the velvet blackness ablaze; you melt the emptiness away and are reborn in the intensity of its renewal. so there are others, and then there is perfection. almost literally to die for; but not worth living for, for the set of 'what ifs' that preclude possibility. still, i do not know.

a secret is only as dark as the world around it.

fin

2009-02-23T01:59:00.002+08:00

soon the darkness will be here. but whether i will, remains to be seen.

abruption

2009-01-03T22:49:00.003+08:00

you cry, like tomorrow wont heal the world of its unshed blood. you dream, of promises unmade in the middle of the night and new lives to tell in the thousand tales of midnight. how did we find our way here, to this now? the route was treacherously arduous but arent all things worth anything? save the few simple things of course. ah good times.

20 years to this present, and 2009s a reality. in this rainbow drenched soliloquy im gonna self importantly label 'my life', just because i like the sound of it. not so bad, innit now. so whos afraid of the big bad wolf? we'll just fly, just me, my shadow and a lotta hope.

it is my fond hope, and then we discontinue continuity.

fin

2009

2009-01-01T19:56:00.001+08:00

4 resolutions.

1) stop clubbing
2) quit
3) more gymming
4) study harder.

so lets go, 2009.

fin

why i fly

2008-12-16T23:16:00.002+08:00

and heres to times gone by; of times past, fast and free. when every weekend was a sunset weekend, and every day broke to cool breezes and the sussurus of leaves in aforementioned breeze. they were golden days.

two weeks ago, we drove down to old changi hospital. i drove, picking up haresh, wilson and pam along the way. haresh and i went in ourselves, denouncing the presence of all that would be (and what symmetrical forms reality takes! for now we denounce the absence of what might have been.), right to the top and down. and then, to changi beach, till 3, to swing and watch the planes (and speak of a certain tiger mauled sod). the previous week it was clubbing with the boys (maverick, shah, james. dinesh x 2, yogesh, dipak, wilson) and then out with james before a 4 a side at AMK on sunday. and then two weeks later, it was maverick and i at clarke quay, saturday night. (denounciation, for the apparent end to what began on the first. twelve days, and a reflection.)

and today? today is for shifting sands. for each day you make up, you find yourself in a different world, in a different home, with different people walking in and out from the check in/out counter. for every time you close your eyes, the world turns a bit more, and you lose the earth beneath your feet. which is why i fly.

fin

for creation

2008-12-16T22:53:00.003+08:00

the greatest inspiration is often found in hours of deepest grief and closest solitude; for when there is satisfaction, when there is enough; there is no need to think, no need to reconsider the nature of being because being is all that remains important. but in a world where everything eventually ceases to be - there are ends. and there are ends.

in an open field of nothingness, there is a point; a black singularity containing all the possibilities of the world. there is no sound, there is no light; until now. it is coming from the singularity.

from within the expansive confines of the point emanates a silver light; and a line extends from within its mass, engulfing, devouring, becoming- it. it that is no-longer-a-point, but not quite yet a fully grown line. it stretches outwards, on to infinity, terminating at the horizon. and creation is born.

i am writing against the lines. my words do not follow their ordered structure but break through the rigidity to what is beyond. but if the lines are creation, then surely what is beyond must be of our own creation? i am going solo from here. there remains precious little choice after all, unless you turn back, mend your walls and try to stay within.
no.

sometimes you gotta wonder how different things coulda been. what if i hadn't/what if i hads are time consuming and onerous, especially since time only allows for i wills and i will nots whilst death only leaves space for the wills because the I is gone. where to remains the subject of much debate but lets all hope its either sugarcandy mountain or that place in baywatch. theyre both good places to be since anyways after a few weeks of high living and rich food temptation islands probably gonna have to reinvent itself as 'nudist-colony-for-the-morbidly-obese island'. these things, i see in the future.

the line branches out in several directions; but some of them terminate in a silvery haze of unanswered questions. the rest stretch on to the horizon, always just out of sight but not quite out of mind. questions that come with the rainclouds in hours of solitude are never actually looked for. what if we'd met 8 years ago? what if we weren't so alike/different? what if we'd never spoken?

what if?

to live with a large degree of raw sincerity and purity is the highest tribute one can offer to the soul. to recognise what is that is and not to force change or put up shows where none are needed. to be.

its almost evening. the leaden sky casts a dull gray pallor about the land; it is unlike the brilliantly glorious sunsets i have grown used to. a fine rain drizzles down, drops of water rushing down to meet the earths embrace as if upset at having been parted for so long. for there are partings and returns, but they are the separations that linger longest in the memory. for the inability to understand or comprehend the circumstances surrounding our current situation is what makes us all too fallibly human; but human we are, and in humanitys name we suffer.

there is a part of the person hidden away carefully in each of us to prevent the simulmacrums we project in our illusory world from tripping up over our selves. it is what is unknown, what is not found, what we seek.

no more.

time to burn.

fin

on newness

2008-12-05T19:18:00.005+08:00

and to one and all, the unreality of being. an ode to newness and similarities; to fresh beginnings and unbegun ends. to the pale purple darkness outside punctuated by the soft, steady amber glow of streetlights and the surprisingly comforting sounds of traffic passing by beneath. i am moving out, and onwards from this chamber of my heart to another; tossed about by the powers that be (unless there be no powers in which case...nevermind.).

stories. with each end of the line starting a new thread of conversation; hovering, glimmering silver in the darkness.

an end to ends and all ends to begin with a renewal of sorts. running through history, they call it and we cram it into two days of the weekend but i am one week late in writing and the weekend has passed. with james dipak wilson haresh maverick and shah; clarke quay clubbing and four-a-side football to bring things back into perspective and balance back into the life.

and of pam, and similarities, and wonder.

fin

the end

2008-11-27T22:06:00.002+08:00

and here we are. every day brings with it beginnings and ends, with rising of sun to the cold comfort of night. to what end this end has taken place probably holds beginnings written (hidden?) in the stars but i dont know if i want to read them any more; they hold too many secrets to be comprehended without leaving with a heavy heart.

once again things arent as they should be; as they seemed they would be. time ran on and the future away with it; but once you make the move from broken dream avenue back to the (less gold) realm of reality, you dont have as many options as before. yet, every beginning/end must find itself a story and in these stories words are spoken and thoughts are exchanged; rainbows are seen from shoulders and wild animals find themselves back in africa with points to prove. i dont know, ive lost my point so i dont think theres much more to prove; unless the proof itself lies with the significance of having lost the truth of what was,
and then its a return, to old worlds.

nothing fills the holes in time
a story of loss, of regret
and then a break

too late.

fin

oh randomness

2008-10-21T20:51:00.009+08:00

oh to all things random and nameless. an ode to all things good and glorious in this world, and away from the collapse that has marred the structure of society. if only we were to rebuild the world, golder, and with bluer skies. we still can you know; just that the republican party dont want us to. nor does barney the dinosaur for that matter, because when everythings good his vision of a vegetarian fruit loving utopia just doesnt cut it any more and people wont give much of a damn bout him anymore. times have changed love, and its all we can do to keep it from moving too fast.

simpler times

so the questions still remain but the big one always stays unanswered. tell me,

do you love your

a) god

b) gun

c) government
d) fuck you

the power of choice is yours. ring in now and get a free promotional orange squeezer. now with 20% more squeeze. oh sweet juicy joy.

scary scary. but still very squeezy.

now that a levels are popping up over the horizon its time to go into hyper mode. burn baby burn! because its that time of the ~~month~~ year again and time to hit it good everybody. cos we are the champions and everybody knows that!

we are the champions

so let times be as they will; the damage we do to the world is offset only by the damage we do to the unreal world; of numbers and money and money and numbers, global efforts to stop the fall of global produce; but nobody gives a damn about the rainforests. so we'll start on a philosophical retreat on the 26th of november, and retreat, for a while, into the glorious mysteries of the past.

disapproving. bad world, very bad.

well thats that then. for now.

fin

tagboards up

2008-10-20T01:26:00.001+08:00

oh btw, TAGBOARDS UP!

fin

shots

2008-10-20T01:17:00.002+08:00

when timed to perfection the shot can be a thing of beauty. all that differs is the type of shot, and where you are. to put your foot through a ball and send it flying straight and true and unstoppable. we played at the kallang cage that day; up 8-1 before we knew it. put home 4, dipak nailed 2 and we set up another 2. or like friday night some weeks back; in a glass, a solid thimble of liquid glory to send the birds of sense and sensibility aflight.

sometimes i dont know what im doing or where i am. what my place in the world is. if there even is one; its hard to imagine we all have predetermined places in the way of things, and im not gonna imagine as much cos thats just gonna spoil all the fun/ and to what end.

i feel the night slipping away, slowly; padded paws pulling silently at the sheet of sky to allow the sun to come glaring through. soft darkness giving way to the harshness of reality. i gather it about me closely, like a blanket and hold myself suspended within its hold. to lose refuge is a terrible thing, but itll be some time yet. maybe never. because the night will come back, and stay, and then we'll fly, and be free.

fin

stocks is the devil

2008-10-13T21:12:00.004+08:00

welcome back to the night. everything is as it was, new, free and fast. frustration cleaves a space of its own in the thickness of the night; but there is a time for everything and its time isnt now. either that or im too busy ignoring it, so stick a thumb out and see if you can get a ride on somebody elses highway; im just too caught up in the general flow of things to be very much bothered.

well degeneracy has always been a favourite trait of man. just look at some of the stuff they show on tv; what with our favourite satan worshipping teletubbies and the older (heads up if you remember it!), more controversial barney the dinosaur. i mean come on; how often do you get an obese purple/green tyrannosaur clomping about extolling the virtues of veganism? what nuts and cheese, celery and a glass of fruit juice too? does this mean that the show lacks educational values because i mean come on what the hell honestly why is he hiding his carnivorous tendancies he'd make the ones in jurassic park really embarrassed to be called the same species. then again have you ever wondered why the children after every episode of barney are different? and how did he get so fat on just nuts cheese and celery anyways? and are those bloodstains i see on your paunch or is tha-okay nevermind im not about to get sued by the producers of barney for these slanderous allegations but still think about it! and you never know what might next pop out of the good old rabbit hole.

so the economys gone plunging down and we're all going to hell. at least thats what johnny bird told me whilst i was turning the corner last wednesday night. 'watch your step bub,' he said, 'cos its a long hard road outta hell.' at the time i didnt know what to make of it till until freddie mac and fannie mae decided that they were through with climbing up the hill and the whole pail of water routine, so they both came tumbling down and the pervy lehman brothers who always tagged along hoping to get some with fannie came tumbling after. aww gee shucks mama it wasnt supposed to happen that way but hell if you wanna go to bed with something more than bread and cheese for your supper youd better be a good kid and not go dabbling round in the stock market cos EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THEM STOCKS IS THE DEVIL.

and thats not all i mean now we got american presidential elections to deal with. hell its not enough that mccain looks like a friendly little lamb (really. he is the friendliest person ive ever seen; to him everybody is 'my friend! my friend!' kids if an old man approaches you saying 'my friend my friend' you'd better run to mommy and warn her. fast. he's probably not senator mccain.) but thank god we still got obama to save just a little bit of our dignity. hes probably the closest thing we have left to a happy meal in our little fast food world. so come on obama. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT LOOONG. whats that? negative publicity ads? YE GODS LOOKS LIKE MCCAIN IS PALLING AROUND WITH SATAN.

otherwise everythings good. im still too innocent to be hit by the big evil stock market collapse but there are lessons to be learnt from this, like every other hurt in life. dont worry tatum, i got your back. always.

talk about livin fast. hell people, everythings gotta go, and if it doesnt its off to the wood chipper and fireplace. its gonna be a cold, cold winter.

bell coral test dummies

2008-10-12T21:40:00.003+08:00

strip away the years to find the nakedness beneath. the rawness, telling stories of a time when things were more free. beneath the strain, through the years; all you have to do is look for it, and slough off the old skins we allowed to stay on for too long. theyre old and crackly and so five minutes ago anyways. move with the times, fashionistas.

a wonderful audience

2008-09-17T21:48:00.000+08:00

dont love me for the things i say, love me for the sense i forget to make- then make that love in a sense, for things to say

have it your way

no no no your going the wrong way; you got it all wrong, and then you turn and i realise that its not really you but instead myself outta me and im lookin back and everythings upside down and whoa! im not making sense. so yeah.

tom jones is crooning whilst out the door the black night looks back as though shrouded in smoke- its just a choking feeling and i dont know why; could it be said that we lack freedom? i know where i need to go, which direction i need to take; i need to get to america and start acting, but i cannot. no point ranting and railing, weeping and wailing; ill just sit back, grit and smile. you know. the kind of smile that tells you sweet little puppies are playing on your new silk sheets or your grandmas wedding dress she passed down to you; the kind of smile thats usually accompanied by a slight change in intensity in the eyes suddenly telling you that those sweet little puppies just piddled all down the sheets and one of thems humping your leg (bad boy! no wait. its a girl.).

everpresent, in front of everything it stays
and refuses to leave
ruminations of possibilities flying ahead as
i incinerate in the afterburn
sick from malady by man incurable
deciding for the initial discomfort be to be met with
and then thrown askew

its in the nature of man not to believe anything preordained as unbelievable; if a robber in pink lingerie flew past his face he'd say naw that couldnta happened, robbers dont wear pink lingerie. then his brain would work a bit more and go say, i like pink lingerie (no actually black and lacy rocks) before say perhaps if i chase him/her maybe- uh what was i thinking about? because our good old friend would have the attention span of a goldfish taken to spasms. we're all so petty and particular, such that if the world executed a huge double back flip to escape some stray asteroid, we'd all think the moon just flew off course a while. bad moon.

the way life just passes you by, the way it rolls on as if you were never there; and still i wouldnt know because thats not it. its a signal for change because my life always stopped and stared at what i was doing and went thataway; just that i was always a bit ahead of it. this is me in all of myself and wait and see, wait and see.

things work as they do as the past and future whir on by, incongrous with most of what you see before you; how could we have moved so far in the face of such ignorance and stupidity? and yet we have and so we rejoice.

this isnt something funny; this is something that perturbs me greatly; and no, its not the end of it.

too many followers with too little time makes for poor leading, apathy and disinterest, and strangely enough high levels of testosterone (especially if that leader happened to be our lingerie lobbying robber). and thats about it. goodnight stars; shine on bright,

youve been a wonderful audience
(a play in two acts although sometimes you seem a bit quiet)

fin

revolucion de amor

2008-08-16T01:56:00.005+08:00

for the darkness of the night isnt so dark anymore, and the light of day is unwelcome. the night is a beautiful thing, a thing of peace, solace and silence. it brings an end to everything, and holds us in stead for the next beginning/ the night is our saviour and cradles the being with its essence, and its purity/for what is purer than the diamond light shining forth from the skies endless canvas?

revolucion de amor

times have changed. the world is different now; and we're all allowed new beginnings. life starts again, with new hope and the need for stability; the creation of beauty in our young world.

i met tatum that day, and we walked our intersecting ways towards nothing in particular. criss crossing paths, cross, counter cross, parallels; stop laugh slap spit, walk. time melted around us; we kept walking whilst the world blurred around us, waiting at every light for things to jump back to perspective- they never did. i think we got tired of waiting and crossed the road anyway; she tried to stop me, and did. held sway over thoughts and actions, in devotion; every smile a gift.

then bent to focus and concentration; but for the joy of the others presence we would have wept and withered for the sheer weight of expectation on our young shoulders. to draw strength from a source of joy, where they come few and far between; and heaven help that it is as it is, that mine being would leap and bound again, and that the mind would hit that old frame of hyperdrive, that i didnt know that a light would start to burn, slowly and grow. the spirit knows no death, but un-death still not a real state of living; but for the presence and joy, to live again or as i put;

the days of death have passed us by,
to live again, yes you and i,
for now light beckons from the north,
the golden star to guide us forth.

and whence from came this saving grace,
to save this world and make a place;
to live again, back from the dead,
to walk again, in mine own stead.

and then the move back, to the station and sudden confusion, tension, fear. of loss, permanent and undue. of a return. questions, too many questions. what was in those eyes? what did they hold/i did not know. right then; there was only the now, there was nothing; and then there was everything. desolate, to part; and then a pause; yes. yes. yes. thats my answer. yes. (for you must have your dignity). the hour past, fast and free; safe in arms and to break, with no small measure of grief.

the ride home was quiet;
peace has come.

yet we die to fly
to heaven and high
and reach for what was gone;
and there was one

fin

2008-08-07T00:52:00.002+08:00

Its like that, when a hundred thousand thoughts are flying through your head, and then suddenly nothing. suddenly, emptiness, and you need to stop and really think about what you want to say next, what you can say next; to break out with something so remarkably different that itd be good; but you end up messing up instead. when you discover that something you just saw superficially turned out to be something something more; but you end up messing up instead. because it gives you freedom, gives you liberation, but you end up messing it up so completely instead; because you cant be yourself; because you suddenly find youve lost yourself and dont know what to say; should/shouldnt/can/will this do?/this wont do/i dont know say. in the end, you reign in silence, far away; just to hope not to not know what to say; and wanting so dearly to be able to say what you know not to say.

o miserable creature is man!//
he who saith not what he feel,
and feeleth not what he saith.

how does man deal with the deluge of emotion that comes pouring his way, especially when sorrow travels forth from its temporary refuge, beaten back by some new shortlived joy? like the beast of wrath roused from slumber, but to live far longer and more potent; like a slow working poison.

surely such sufferance in live long understood to be devoid of meaning is not to be borne. Surely sufferance is an unnecessary phase, for through death we ascend everything to return to the nothingness from which everything came. but then we live, if only for a while longer, just to see what happens next. life is a hook; its bait is hope.

we are all as thralls to this bait, and ascension possible only through mastery of understanding.

and sometimes you have to stop and wonder.

to sit and think and wonder. explore tremendous areas of nothingness and traverse vast expanses of space and time on a whim. guess barney didn't know he was sitting on a goldmine, at least till kids started kow-towing before him calling him der 'nuts, cheese and celery' meister. that was the signal to start sneaking crack into the whole suit and spend days lying about on gullah gullah island splitting a joint with tinky winky and the rest of the van der wanker gang. sometimes the brady bunch comes too and starts the whole we're better than you thing with the 70's show gang, but hey! when you're in crack wonderland, everybodys friends at the end of the day. just ask ali g.

the message of the day is to stay drug free, especially when theyre released by super secret government organisations in a super secret international superpower in a super secret bid to quell the youth and blame everything on the hippies. oh yeah, and communism. thanks vietnam. i think i could be a bit outdated though, specially since little jimmy from the block told me his mars bar came off with a big "beware of terrorists" sticker on it. he tells me it scares him especially since the bad man on the wrapper looks like uncle masood who owns the magazine shop down the corner and gives free candy to the kids. mommy and daddy say he looks "ethnic", so stay away from him. maybe he's in one of those super secret things! maybe he's trying to poison the kids! how are we gonna build a better future with no kids?! aaaah the world is topsy turvy but no worries everybody the government is gonna protect us and smash poverty at the same time by bringing liberty to irate i-raq and making that big bad saddam guy feel bad. someday, we'll achieve the american dream; of a global america where everybody has to give us their oil. i mean i know its all "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" mommy, but why is daddy still in afghanistan? and why hasnt he written for the past year? mommy im scared. how are we going to pay the mortgage and remain all powerful rulers of the universe- uh i meant benevolent superpowers if those pesky indians and chinese keep their growth rates so high?

speaking of high growth rates, last i heard, we hit 7.7% back here in singapore. not bad for a little red dot huh. you can bring all the shazaam back after malaysia come down to the national stadium for rollin rollin rollin good times with moe alkaff and the rest of the young lions. they say its all blood, sweat and tears down on that pitch, but all i see is mud, grass and a bunch of mistimed tackles with just a smattering of teen spirit. and lets not forget the generous donations handed over to some of the opposing sides. the way we're going maybe in 15 years when agu casmir retires we might even get to sign obafemi martins when he's 37. or we could just cut to the chase and pick up romario. fun, fun, fun!

theres always a time to move on. so move on. you'll find it waaaay more exciting than collecting stamps or discount coupons off the new paper. and lets not forget everybodys favourite 'yogam' hour with the mole in the hole. if you can see him that is.

point taken

2008-08-07T00:00:00.000+08:00

right, i get the point already.

fin

2008-08-06T20:22:00.002+08:00

and so i seek solace from the fact that writing, an otherwise seemingly meaningless activity, brings some respite to the discomfiture trailing me like a shadow. apart from the fact that as i write, the sky remains dark, and almost as grim as my prospects over the next few days.

just wait and see. it will all change in one huge burst of glory, and no, this is not some macabre soliloquy purposed on the definition, meaning or essence of the transition between life and death, or an almost seamless, surgical execution of life as it should be, but rather in some ways a monologue of mourning expressed by the pen in ways the sword never could, or will. make love, not war.

lets go back. to times more filled with joy, and relish for each passing day of life, days now almost non existent, time slowing to a weary halt, on occasion trudging aimlessly, pointlessly, but to what final destination; i will never know. still, the futures pretty promising too, so we could try that way. whats that? you think we should ask someone for directions? hmm. okay.

is it all you really think about? what thoughts pick their way meticulously through your mind in the late hours of the night? and then during the day they suddenly become so strange, so stupid, so...different. on how things change, and the mind changes to meld itself into whatever form to reach denial, or acceptance, whichever is easier, no matter how hard you try to fight it after change, drastic change in environment, metaphysical and mental.

look for meaning in a whispered sentence, and see ever concealed emotion shout back at you. a whisper can convey so many emotions, anguish, fear, pain, sadness, all across the spectrum to joy. sheer uncontrollable euphoria as that whisper slowly gathers strengh and you break; and then it all falls down. which is why the littlest things are the biggest, and why the meek will rule the world after man faces his biggest, most basal fears, loneliness and silence. an event as predictable as the apocalypse, yet just as likely to happen. i have no desire to explain myself further, i have nothing to say to you or anyone else. how it gnaws at night insidem how unquestionable predictability bears so much in common to 'and all their answers unquestioned', and how that has become the new perestroika, or openess of the new millenium. free speaking might be a great ideal, but like most ideals? it never suits society, or the government. too many skeletons in the closet.

amour amour

what world is it that we live in when openess and unquestionable predictability in words of authoritarian figures are synonymous, and great literary works have ceased production? culture was always a fad, and now it is dying, replaced instead by plastic gambling chips, and greenbacks carrying imagined value; lifeblood of the economy, messiah of economists and businessmen, ichor to democracy and governor of the world. so long as people are money minded, democracy will always be preferred, and influence of a certain democratic nation which considers its duty to the world to involuntary violent 'assisted' revolution to the aforementioned cause. how can we ever truly consider ourselves free, shackled as we are by that national economy, brainwashing an entire generation and in so doing creating a stigma towards what was always ours, tradition and culture, now relics of a previous age.

and indeed if words have the power to move, and to open eyes, let this writing be that Hup Seng moving pte ltd, or that big lasik surgery in the sky. failing which can it be at least rolled up to bat that pinata? ooh. pinata.

come here to where i stand, and look up, straight up into the sky and at the starrs.
skool is as skool is, eh ange? still miss you by the way. nuff said.

i dont know. its very confusing, especially since these past 3 pages of writing have to be typed out in a number of days.

but i digress. such is the immediate changing swing of moods, that im becoming somewhat disturbed by my discomfitable, and on occasion perturbing behaviour. ill continue some other time. there are other things to attend to right now though, and baby we gonna make it good. i love you. and you. and you. all of you for boarding the rebelstarr. not really. after all, lying is a cardinal sin.

digressions, confessions and finally, interventions

bitte bitte, gib mir gift

i think RHCP are the best thing this world has had since sliced bread- and thats saying a lot.

breathe in.
breathe out.
breathe in.

sleep is good, although i dont want to sleep my life away, rather spend it doing exciting things and getting sufficient sleep.

sleep, king of gods and men,
master of all,
come to mine eyes again,
come as i call
sleep, who may loose and bind
each as his thrall,
come to the weary mind,
come at my call,
tamer of toil and woes,
healer of all,
sleep, whence our solace flows,
come as i call
brother of mankind,
softly you fall
leaving the world behind,
come at my call
sleep, lord of all things made,
sleep over all,
let your warm wings be laid,
came as i call

for what else will come when only sleep can provide any respite, any solace from the day.

perhaps we love the night so for it means that escape from the world is but a short while in coming, perhaps its because once again were free to dream - and we dream of lives how we wanted them, and how they couldve been-but never were.

you want commitment,
put on your best suit,
get your arms around me cos im goin down down down

its one of those warm days the sun loves vaingloriously proclaiming his prescence by bathing the world in the glow of his resplendance, and we all dance, minds intoxicated by his radiance, awash with joy and a mixture of all sorts of sentiments. for the world is young on days like this, and the spirit free.

i want to be free.

such is the way of the world that the biggest and most accountable explanation of life is found in its more dimunitive beings, and the truth behind meaning is pointlessness, as we meander about our little worlds with our little minds being the centres of our own universes. and lets share our universes, make them one. that each cell of the body works specifically in tandem with other cells to perform specific functions is fascinating, although right as i write this on my lecture pad im having the heck bored out of me by the absolute nothingness of everything. why am i here?

i walk out.

banned from partaking in its splendour for the magnitude of their sins. and so they weep, inconsolable

fin

oh randomness

2008-08-06T19:58:00.003+08:00

so the days grow hotter and the nights colder as things start to speed up again and for the first time in a long time it looks like normal service is being resumed. looking back at the dourness of the past months one tends to wonder why it took so long but here we are so lets cut to the chase.

2AO1D. gosh those were good times. and then its TEAAM3 event rehearsal on friday and then! gonna hit the clubs till about 6 before headin straight for the event at 630 saturday morning, get home by 1 and then be ready by 330 for football before saturday night clubbing hits us. its gonna be a long two days, so lets get up for the get go.

headed to raffles city for an ice cream lunch with angela on sunday before going to this water park and flying down slides. we saw a rainbow! and an abandoned little boy but obviously the rainbow was more interesting. she is the sweetest thing alive, and miss her quite terribly now. we were rolling floats around and she was following around everywhere cos she was blind without her contacts hahaha. and swimming about and everything before throwing down some KFC and sending her home with a bit more econs than before. brilliant day. now we just gotta wait for her a's to push off.

so here we go; swing swing swing swing and smash! before hittin it up for the home run. we're back on home turf now so lets make it good, like those times we used to bike race around sunset way and make loud engine noises and give our bikes fancy names. thunderwheels hahaha. then down to the playground part to play blind man and super mario, with mario, the princess, the star and the bad guy and everybody else got to be luigi and whoever else happened to be around, before uncle harbhajan'd saunter up the slope with a ball and we all rushed down to start the match. we've been playing since 1994.

uninspired.

fin

2008-08-05T01:49:00.000+08:00

the days past have been better than the last. life is finally moving in a right direction, and now there is purpose; meaning, identity. a continuous cycle, light tearing hot scratches into the stretch of dark sky, suffusing it, and then reclaimed by the stars.

a million lives passed between us before we were aware of presence. a million hopes kindled in the breeze of passing memories; to die out, because you only create new hope with new memories. sometimes the most obvious things are right in front of you, except that you choose to ignore them because you don't know. do we?

its so quiet, so serene at this time of night. a breeze blows, the leaves in the trees letting go the soft sussurus part of the tranquility of the night, velvet darkness to kiss; the intensity of the day behind, lending rest to the soul. the solitude provides some form of solace and comfort to everything that is, and finally i understand.

street lights glow softly in the distance and a sweet caressing coolness whispers
what is that is

and sing, softly

fin

good lookers

2008-08-01T23:35:00.002+08:00

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT GOT DELETED I AM NOT TYPING IT AGAIN

in other news, saturday and sunday are lookin pretty good.

fin

purpose

2008-07-31T00:10:00.002+08:00

and now to purpose,
and now to reason,
and now, to renewal.

yet theres always something in the way.

this is pointless

fin

lost

2008-07-14T00:21:00.000+08:00

it has been a long time, but the days glare is blinding. the path is lost.

forget

2008-06-10T21:58:00.002+08:00

there are shadows that stretch long into the night, barely discernible but for the fact that they are slightly darker than the darkness itself. these are things we do not hear of or speak of, for they are shadows that skulk the very depths of your soul, that rend and tear as claws leaving long furrows of fleshed hurt running the length of your battered heart. it is the being of fantasy we trust the most openly, it is the longing we welcome like a stranger in the night; it is amour, and it burns.

just as suddenly, we are overtaken by grief, its inexorable surge causing it to plunge on ever downwards, hilt following to a place where we allowed that stranger to reside; that despised stranger, to excise him by force and leave us empty. for only through despair is found deliverance, and the ultimate sufferings are often marked by ascension to a new divinity and a heightened state of reason. their movements are calculated, precisely engineered to motion towards some new purpose, and light shines from within their eyes. we were once like them, but lost reason to fall again and so the cycle is renewed.

they say that the eyes are windows to the soul. yet, this glass does not shatter any more. they glaze over to live in memories where sorrow is forgotten; only to rush back like an ever increasing tide, a deluge of lost dreams that grows with every passing day. mercilessly, the glass never shatters, and it is cruel, a twisting sorrow. its dark flame burns and blackens the heart, hardening it to a lump of coal and eventually crumbles to ash. we do not deserve our hearts, for they bring us no solace.

emptiness is not real until something highlights the void. it is not there until it is filled, and then gone again. the wholeness of being for that while leaves a void so cold it gnaws at your soul. by now, you look desperately for somehing to hold on to; like how i found my stage. acting is freedom; the freedom to be someone else and do whatever you like. it is the ability to pretend, for a little while, in a world of your own creation, where everybody gets to forget.

for all that we are,
and all that was.

fin

the tendancy to complexity

2008-05-28T19:36:00.002+08:00

"And time remembered is grief forgotten"
-Algernon Charles Swinburne,
Atalanta in Calydon

every season has its song and every reason has its wrong. the song now is slower than it used to be, but picking up fast. the night doesnt close in as fast as before, but it was, of course, hardly there at sunset way. we'd be milling around the field playing football at 745 and it was still bright, night fell around 8, and even then it was still bright. are your nights as dark and silent? the birds dont chirp as loudly here, before retirement. everything is oddly quiet in the dead of the night; as though time itself stopped. nothing moves, apart from the occasional leaf, tossed about by a passing breeze.

sometimes you dont know what youre doing or where your supposed to be going. you look at the way things are headed and you wonder; is this it? is that all there really is? because you know it isnt. you know there is much more, so much more. when you look up at the night sky, its almost inviting you to step up and walk through the air to grab at the stars. of course, if you really tried that youd be burnt down to your atoms and then, so much for the tendancy to complexity. but its a nice way of putting things.

the tendancy to complexity is an expression of the direction in which the world is going. everything in the universe is becoming steadily more complex, as the first atoms and molecules combined to form stars, which exploded to form our planets and the universe and matter, and eventually living organisms. and eventually these combinations of atoms and molecules grew increasingly complex and led to sentient beings. the universe is more complex than it was 15 billion years ago because everything is heading towards an ultimate complexity. anything that accelerates or promotes this process of complexity is good. anything that thwarts it, slows it down or stops it is evil. complexity. that is what life is about.

sometimes you find a kindred spirit to walk this walk with you. sometimes you dont. sometimes you find one and realise that it wasnt what it was all about after all. then you realise, all you can depend on, if youre up to it, is yourself; because at the end of the day, you're the only one keeping you alive.

haresh postulated that in any transaction, the customer always holds more power than the salesman. he was right.

fin

its all good

2008-05-06T00:32:00.002+08:00

the surreality of being entraps us within the uncertainty of its boundaries. its funny the way the pendulum swings; sometimes so real and at other times you're just left with a touch of vapour in your hands where once felt something solid. the days grow older and older, depleted of meaning; to hold the past in fond regard and remember all that was and how it was. when now, the only way left to meaning is the future, to build and make your own. for everything that seems so real now starts to lose meaning, retaining only a sense of superficiality and slight bewilderment at the way you let things go. after all, you always did understand, so don't let yourself fall again. nothing is ever as important as they want you to believe. live fast, die young yknow? its all good.

fin

chakede fateh

2008-04-28T21:13:00.002+08:00

stalkers are very irritating. they deserve to be smashed.

i am very happy to be who i am; the best of north and south; mixed culture, heritage and belonging. so it doesnt really matter to me whether you hate them or not; i am happy to be who i am, and if you aren't, then deal with it.

oh and yes. romba/bohot chakede fateh.

fin

recent times

2008-04-28T00:49:00.006+08:00

i have been off colour in recent times, but now i find life flooding back through my veins. so many things are happening; and this weekend has been a sign of things to be. everything was to prepare for friday; and i hacked my hair off.

friday wasnt such a failure in the end; went out with wilson to hit boat quay after wasting a lot of time at novena. i remember sitting there wondering what i was doing with my life; how i was letting it slip through these two dour years of drudgery. i am a one year soldier now, and in a year i will be free.

how cruel it was to allow another to dictate what you held within. we left around three. sometimes you wonder why you do the things you do; and then you hope you find an answer. with luck itll have nothing to do with 'i didnt realise's or 'i had to go argue with my friends'.

saturday was the beginning; saturday i went and auditioned for a small theatre company and am in; the production will be in july and im only waiting for the first rehearsal; it will be brilliant, taking to the stage again. then, as it turns out ill be mcing homecoming, so here goes nothing.

left to say goodbye to dhurrga. she left for work in san francisco; and i will miss her. badly. we met recently but ive grown very close to her for all we've been through and seen and felt. and for three straight nights of talk and comfort. dhurrga is the closest person to me in the world. i swear to god she is the cutest thing alive for all the things she says to huero (her jack russell), but shes only back in a few million years. have fun.

football on both days; and we get faster and faster. ive lost seven kilograms since the days of inactivity; of fury and hurt.

and then we'll be together

then saturday night when i met the boys and it looks like this saturdays only gonna get better. we're back in action people.

and i hold you in the greatest esteem and regard, and love you all, for all that we are. send her my best.

fin

open your eyes

2008-04-20T21:03:00.003+08:00

to be missing within orderly confusion is not such a terrible thing. time passes you by, as motionless, you watch the permutations of things meant to be through clear, unblinking eyes. no longer blinkered by clouding ambition, no longer to peer far through the opaque walls beyond; a guessing game at the most. revel in the now, how and why, savour the presence of currency and the sudden lack of inertia.

to be empty within an unfulfilling world is not such a terrible thing. soulless, blank, accepting; to step forward with no remorse, or for any particular rime, reason or cause. so we give ourselves reason' logic to do battle with the illogical realities of our societal structure; our human craftsmanship manifest within the manifold walls we build around ourselves. never were we ever so alone as a race as when surrounded by our own kind. sharing is more; is something more when occurent between individuals. the exchange of thoughts, ideas, of love and reason, of measure of our boundaries; complements the disintegration of the scaffolding holding us in place. break free; to find reason, to find peace; nirvana.

surrounded by beauty, we hold ourselves to the mundane; an appreciation lost. hold love to yourself and your other whilst the candle flickers; let it burn a while more, before it extinguishes, and darkness returns to fill the empty corners of this nothingness.

would it be that our eyes would open.

fin

tension

2008-03-22T20:46:00.003+08:00

tension, tension, mystery, tension
in a world of wonderous deceit;
for the night to come,
with shining amour,
to consider if this be meet.

the paleness calling through the gloom,
reverberating through out the room,
and so was said the day we died,
was borne from death a new born lie.

the days of death have passed us by,
to live again, yes you and i,
for now light beckons from the north,
the golden star to guide us forth.

and whence from came this saving grace,
to save this world and make a place;
to live again, back from the dead,
to walk again, in mine own stead.

fin

delusion

2008-03-17T19:08:00.006+08:00

deus ex nihilista

why bother continuing this delusion;
this injustice that plagues the heart.

tell the world you dont know me

and god would know that you do not lie. we live in a mess, too many lives about so many objectives, personas and beliefs such that they cross and double cross and triple cross and get tangled up in the infinite length of their being, knotted and pulled to such tautness that we live in constant fear of the final snap, a culmination of our accumulated insecurities and idiocy when time ends and all hearts stay still, and not for want of love.

we should all live in silence.

6/27/06

reise himmel, reise.

fin

goodbye to winter

2008-03-16T21:56:00.004+08:00

and then, there is meaning again

"dont give your heart to strangers"we were once toldby the grove near the lakewhere the yew grows old"dont die before i do."

goodbye to winter

fin

she

2008-03-12T18:33:00.004+08:00

a million different colours coalesce before me, intertwining, snaking through my vision; rivers cutting a path through desert sands, only to disappear once more in the distance. the world is a series of black, white and the grey in between, a monochromatic menagerie before a bitter smile. to be a jumbled set of random variables, set in a world of constancy. the vision of the soul forced again in time to the march; breaks ranks like the tide against the rocky shore of agitation.

she

we spin skeins of thread to no purpose, and then pull back. such glorious glowing beauty that as ever beheld; and held apart by uncommon nature. to invade perfection is to take colour; so have sympathy for the devil, he knows not what he does. to seek an end to emptiness is to live unfulfilled, for the meaningless variables we are. and yet, we stumble across gloried constants, to genuflect upon and to love; but too soon, too fast, and to be held away lest we sully the unblemished nature of being.

silvery needles of water dart down from the sky, theatrically crushed against the firmament, and i wonder, in this loveless waste.

fin

days

2008-03-11T20:55:00.001+08:00

and it was a brilliant day. then out with bhavan at night, and soccer at sunset, before the long drag starts again; till friday, and then saturday at the zoo.

fin

one.

2008-03-04T22:43:00.000+08:00

do you remember yesterday?
when leaves fell like tears
and the wind blew the years

do you remember serenity?
when you find home in the rain
just to find it lost again

do you remember these words?
in transitionary conveyance
kindle spark burn and die
and then, once more, fly.

to dread the weary passage of time

im sure we'd do fine
in what came after see
for love is a strange thing
its only known for a feeling
and love is the strange thing
too often leaves us reeling
good morning starshine
in the nights silence

fuck it

fin

revolt

2008-03-03T20:30:00.002+08:00

so lets revolt against the status quo, and be rebels,
and when the rest have landed, we'll still be flying.

zerstoeren

if u promise to be by me forever

2008-03-03T03:10:00.003+08:00

its now, in the cold darkness, that the desolation hits you. the solitude of the expansive night, like the sky over the vast stretches of constructed nothing we have construed from the fabric of our reality. a chill wind blows through, caressing, inviting a reunion with the essence of being. there are no stars this night, obscured as they are by the clouds, no rain; only silence.

to have had somebody, shared the entirety of being with; gave some reason to reasonless existence; because there was emotion, and it was pure; and it was something out of the nothing. something to centre life around, to take care of, to protect, to dream with. but circumstances were as they were; and had to give that up. for pride, for folly, for love. what is no longer there; but yet, the glimmer of flickering light, pure, brilliant and beautiful. and so, now, in the bitterness of the empty dark, there is no comforting voice at the other end of the line to assuage this grief, this love burns inside. no longer for what was, for what isn't. there is no solace from the night this time, only the quiet air of untrammeled sorrow.

silence/harmony/artifice/reflection/om/nihilism

the light in my room is darker than the gloom outside. i am a shadow, flitting from thought to thought, unexpressed expressions protesting, heaving in turmoil within the confines of my insignificance. love is blind until you find something more. love is blind until you see the irrepressible beauty in another being. love is something more than the nothing everything else is. to love is to share.

the silence is broken by the movement of the clouds; and soft whispers of moonlight ease their way down through the sussurus of leaves once more.

tum agar saath dene ka vaada
if u promise to be by me forever

fin

sat night fever

2008-03-02T23:32:00.002+08:00

saturday night fever has returned to the boys. last nights pure at arena was brilliant fun for a number of reasons, and cos a lotta things happened. lets number them down for easy reference.

1) free flow from 930 to 1230 was brilliant. bhavan had 8 (which im sure he regrets for reasons about to be explained) and vishal took 5 and there was no need for vodka water for the first time in many a night. solid times eh.

2) jason, suresh and wilson turned up roundabouts and went to MOS so we linked up later on. bhavan was suitably stoned by then. poor fella shouting all his "why la?"'s to wilson.

3) we were all dancing merrily when vishal went to the toilet, so bhavan and i were there in a space next to these two girls. one of them was morbidly obese and for reasons unknown, chose to wear a very revealing top, such that the mass of her saggy rotundness happened to be exposed half the time, which was rather offputting. also for reasons unknown, some random indian dude smiling happily came up to her and started dancing rather suggestively with her whilst her fugly friend looked on. next thing i knew, BHAVANSON STARTED DANCING WITH THE FUGLY FRIEND. why bhavan why??? i quickly pulled him and begged and pleaded and said no bhavan no, lets go out for a while, dont do it- but he was too far gone. he gave me a mystical smile and an elbow to the ribs and carried on until eventually i was able to yank him away. perks of having at least one sober guy around.

it was a brilliant night. spent the whole night dancing with bhav and vish and gosh but they were good times again. oh yeah and spoke to gino, the singer and looked to get an audition in. with a bit of luck it stage works again and free entry baby! good times beckoning. plus liverpool won 3-1. and the zoo on saturday.

the zooooooooooo its been so long since ive been there. i always wrote about it in essays in primary school cos i found it was easy to fill up lines with such literary gems as "i saw the elephants, the giraffes, the zebras, the rhinocerii, the gnu which are also called wildebeast, the leopards, the cheetahs, lions and tigers, snakes and crocodiles" and you get the general drift of things. such an animal/dinosaur expert i used to be. maybe someday ill still get to be a wildlife documentarists.

we'll see how the stars shine,
and let them take us where they will.
(or ill make them. who are they to dictate?)
make your own lives y'all.

fin